Doing well is 95% luck

[medusa]

There is a family who I know whose children were just growing through teenage years when I first knew them. I was just out of university and embarking on life and the thing that staggered me about this family was the complete lack of ambition and drive that had been instilled in the children by the parents.

 

None of the children had any ambitions further than working in a shop or doing manual labour and even at the time that seemed like they had somehow been written off already.

 

I agree TeaFan- I was very lucky that my parents were so caring and supportive that I got good A level results and was able to get a good degree to set me up for the stability that I have now. Even down to having paid the premiums on my health insurance to protect my lifestyle in the event that I fell ill (which I did, and which has saved the day since then) is a mark of my parents' influence.

[TeaFan]

yeah but I know people who have been given the best start in life and are still losers in life. to presume that someone is where they are just down to their parents seems a bit of a daft broad view of life.

 

I'm not saying that there aren't people who buck the trend but also I think that there are people who seem to have been given a good start who haven't. For example, I don't think this is about money at all - plenty of people from wealthy backgrounds screw up because although having a bit of money can help, good parenting isn't about spending or having money. Equally, being on the receiving end of good parenting in a poor household means that a person is likely to turn out well.

[TeaFan]

I've always believed that success is attained by working hard, so you're in a good position to take advantage of good luck when it comes around.

 

And that belief was probably fostered in you by your parents, along with knowing what a good opportunity looks like and how to take it.

[JFKvsNixon]

And that belief was probably fostered in you by your parents, along with knowing what a good opportunity looks like and how to take it.

 

God no, my parents did their best and I'll never complain, but their life was based upon existing day to day and watching soaps; it was the only life that they knew. I wanted to change the world however.

 

I was lucky that I had a career mentor in the shape of a girlfriend that pointed my enthusiasm for life in the right direction; the rest was just plain old fashioned hard work and luck.

 

I've always thought that we learn from our parents mistakes, but not their successes. For example I've heard many a person say that their parents were too strict, but they fail to recognise the work ethic that they installed in them.

 

I cannot be critical of my parents, the way I see it is that they did the best they could with the tools that they had, my destiny was in my hands.

[TeaFan]

God no, my parents did their best and I'll never complain, but their life was based upon existing day to day and watching soaps; it was the only life that they knew. I wanted to change the world however.

 

I was lucky that I had a career mentor in the shape of a girlfriend that pointed my enthusiasm for life in the right direction; the rest was just plain old fashioned hard work and luck.

 

I've always thought that we learn from our parents mistakes, but not their successes. For example I've heard many a person say that their parents were too strict, but they fail to recognise the work ethic that they installed in them.

 

I cannot be critical of my parents, the way I see it is that they did the best they could with the tools that they had, my destiny was in my hands.

 

Then you're one of the exceptions, and good for you

[JFKvsNixon]

Then you're one of the exceptions, and good for you

 

Have you ever read up on the theories in psychology discussing how people perceive luck in relation to their locus of control? More here, if you haven't.

[Cyclone]

I've done 'well' in the sense that in our society, having a reasonably well paid job (and having nearly always been in work), a degree, a house, no major health problems, nice kids, a fairly orderly life is considered doing well.

 

But I can't take credit for it, it was my mum and dad. They did a good job of helping me learn what I needed to learn to do 'well', gave me a stable upbringing, promoted the value of education and were supportive. They can't take credit for that, it was their mums and dads.

 

People who do very badly, their mums and dads did the opposite of all those things. If you've done well and your childhood wasn't a mess, you can't take the credit, you didn't get yourself where you are today.

 

From your parents point of view though it's not down to luck at all (or not so much). They probably sacrificed things in order to give you the start in life you got, they'll have compromised on enjoying themselves at some point and instead done what they thought was right for you.

It's luck that you had good parents, it's not luck that your parents were good, if you see what I mean.

[Cyclone]

yeah but I know people who have been given the best start in life and are still losers in life. to presume that someone is where they are just down to their parents seems a bit of a daft broad view of life.

 

It's easier to screw it up yourself than it is to sort it out yourself.

 

I've got a friend (or used to have more accurately) who has the same start in life as me, but basically didn't like to work, at school, or in jobs. He's never had a stable job and has what I consider to be a pretty horrible life, and it's all down to him.

[TeaFan]

Have you ever read up on the theories in psychology discussing how people perceive luck in relation to their locus of control? More here, if you haven't.

 

Seems to make sense to me. i would say I have a high internal locus and agree with the familial origins stuff in para 7.

 

I also read something recently that linked material achievement in adulthood with feeling able to make meaningful choices affecting your own life in pre-teen years, which I suppose is a similar argument - if in your pre-teens you are included in decision making and this has pay-offs for you then you are more likely behave actively as opposed to passively in later life.

 

I suppose why this interests me is that my experiences at work have made me more conscious of how I parent my children because I've seen what a profound effect doing it wrong can have on kids, even when they've become adults.

[TeaFan]

From your parents point of view though it's not down to luck at all (or not so much). They probably sacrificed things in order to give you the start in life you got, they'll have compromised on enjoying themselves at some point and instead done what they thought was right for you.

It's luck that you had good parents, it's not luck that your parents were good, if you see what I mean.

 

But their ethics and behaviour will have been determined by their parents in turn, although unlike most of us they also had huge external influences relating to living in war time.

 

I'm not saying that every functional family is functional back through every generation, and every dysfunctional family likewise, but dysfunction does seem more prominent these days and I do wonder why that is. One theory I have is that families are more atomised these days, people spend less time with people outside of their immediate family than they used to. The old social systems of knowing neighbours through working at the same employer and seeing each other at the same club and being involved in the same political movements meant that kids had more influences outside of their immediate family, which could counterbalance some of the dysfunction inside the family. These days, if your family are screwed up you're stuck with them a lot more.