American writer needs critique of Sheffield dialect in short story

[KittiPaws]

I've written a short story about two aging rock musicians taking an impromptu road trip. The two are traveling in the USA, but have been best friends since they were boys in Sheffield.

 

A couple of months ago in the midst of the writing, I posted lines of dialogue in the general forum and a group of members were kind enough to "translate" the dialogue into the way a Sheffield native would speak it.

 

I've used a lot of what they gave me, and now I want to be absolutely sure that it works within the context of the story. Being American, I want to be certain the dialogue is authentic. Especially since I have high hopes of publication.

 

I've used bold on the passages that contain the dialogue in question. I would be very grateful if some of you could take a look at the story and provide me with some feedback on the dialogue. Here's the link:

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1318897190.doc

 

Of course, if anyone wants to read the entire story and let me know what you think, I'd love to know your thoughts! I welcome any and all critiques.

[Lady Agatha]

Hi Kittipaws

 

Good story! I enjoyed that. The only things that grated a bit for me were the following:

- Giving the young boy III after his name - we just don't do that here at all

- Calling someone a 'fellow' - I would say only posh people call people fellows - 'bloke' would perhaps suit the character better

 

Lady A

[ianparkin]

I dont seem to be able to see it

I need a user name and password?

[upinwath]

Can't read it.

The server won't let me in. Do you have another link?

[KittiPaws]

Lady Agatha - thank you! Details like that are exactly what I'm looking for. And I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :-) Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.

 

Ianparkin, I think you should be able to access it with the general username and password given in the "How to get a password" sticky on the front page. Upinwath, try this: http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1318897190.doc

 

Let me know if you still can't access it, and I'll think of something else. Maybe I can post it temporarily to my blog so you can visit it, unless one of the moderators knows what's going wrong and can help.

[De Batz]

Here's a thought based on a quick read: If you want authentically Sheffield-sounding, then you've got to cut the sentences up a bit. People don't speak - and if your narration is supposed to sound, this matters - in multi-part sentences.

"That lad's a good bat."

"Ar. S'brother's even better."

"Gerroff."

"I tell thee. Even better."

"I wa' watching that lad Vaughan at Baslow. He warra good 'un."

"He wa't test bat, though."

"Good skipper an'all."

"Ar, but t'lad here's all of fo-orteen."

And so on. This conversation probably took three minutes.

These apostrophes are real omissions and elisions. A heavy accent wouldn't sound out 'the', nor is it the glottal stop of Peter Kay's 't'internet'. It's called (I think) a glossal stop and it's much more like swallowing than sounding a 't'.

[Lady Agatha]

I think that you have to bear in mind that the characters have been away from Sheffield for some years and so their accents won't be as strong as those given by De Batz. I lived down south for 4 years and really had to tone my accent down to make myself understood and now I'm in north Derbyshire I'm sure some of the nuances of my accent have changed accordingly to fit in with work colleagues etc. However, I think that one thing that stays with you is that a Sheffielder will always say something using the fewest words possible - if you can miss anything out you will. As De Batz describes, 'the' is hardly ever sounded out.

[KittiPaws]

Thanks, De Batz and Lady A!

[Guest]

I wonder if you should perhaps try not for complete broad-Sheffield authenticity in the dialogue, but instead establish the accent for the reader in a way that's thoroughly approachable and easily-digested by the widest possible audience.

 

To a non-Sheffield ear the broad accent and dialect can be impenetrable, and when written if can jolt the reader out of the story world while they try to get a grip on not only how the words are pronounced but what they mean.

 

I agree with Lady Agatha: if the character has spent many years away from Sheffield, especially if he's been immersed in a place whose residents have an equally strong accent, his broad Sheffield will be heavily diluted by now. I've lived away from Sheffield for going on twenty years, and while my accent is still recognisably northern, the edges have been mostly worn smooth. I still might say "put t'kettle on" (which some southerners might read as "put tkettle on", sounding the t as it is in 'top') or "I've put it int' cupboard", but I'd be unlikely to say "does tha' know tha's reight mardy, thee", unless it's for comedy effect, as no one would have a clue about what I'm saying.

 

Perhaps you could use a few dialect words, and scatter "in't it" (not "innit"!) around, but don't go for slavishly reproducing the authentic Sheffielder conversation experience. Unless you want to, of course .

[KittiPaws]

Thanks for the suggestions, Hecate. Very much appreciated!

 

My original story had the speech patterns very toned down. Then when I posted it for critique to another writer’s group, someone said that the characters sounded like Americans with a few British clichés thrown in. That really, really rankled me. Especially since members of my favorite rock band are Sheffield natives and I’ve been listening to their interviews for many years. I know exactly how the band members talk, and that’s how I originally wrote my characters’ speaking voices. The criticism inspired me to go all-out for enough of the authentic Sheffield speech patterns to make it clear that I’m not being a lazy American writer. But it’s possible I took the criticism too personally and overdid it.

 

So far I haven’t had a complaint about the Sheffield dialect being too much for non-residents to understand. However, I will consider toning it down again, since the characters have indeed been living in the U.S.A. for a number of years.