Dear Forum... Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I've been with my other half for 13yrs and married 2yrs. I've had to clear out my mother-in-laws house as my hubby couldn't face doing it. I visited my dad everyday before he died and I now care for my mum who is disabled. We have always lived very independant lives. He doesnt like the things that I do and I don't like the things he does, so we do our own things with our friends. I do love him but i feel that I'm the one making all the effort and I'm the one who does everything. I'm thinking about moving into my mum's for a while to see if it helps our relationship. I'm thinking along the lines of I'll have time and space to think clearly, and he has time to miss me and vice versa. My weeks consist of working 40 hours a week. After work I go to my mum's and do her tea, feed her animals, tidy up, and then I go home and normally flake out in front of the TV or go on the computer. My hubby is working between 2 & 4 days a week. He comes home feeds our dogs, then goes out for a couple of pints, comes home, we have tea which is either takeaway or he cooked it earlier, then falls asleep on the sofa. I dont get hugs or kisses without there being some sort of groping going on, which normally means he wants sex. On the rare times I get kisses its normally as we pass on the landing going to the loo before bed. I have had other men show interest in me which is very flattering but they say the grass in never green when you get there. I don't know if I should stay and work at it, leave for good or leave for a break. What do i do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Doesn't sound like he's a bad man, maybe you need to talk to him so he understands how you feel? I'm not sure that maoving out for a while is the best way to go though - it may panic the guy and lead him to believe it's all going down the tubes, but I understand your need to get away from things for a while to be able to think. I think it's healthy that you both have other friends and interests, but maybe you both need to make the effort to spend time together doing stuff you both enjoy - not easy with you working a 40 hour week, I know, but perhaps worth trying. Most importantly you need to talk to each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowersfade Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 It looks like there has been a breakdown of communication here. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?. I think before taking a step like moving out you should discuss the situation and how you feel with him. Marriage counselling may be beneficial also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 What caused you to get together in the first place, you must have had some common interests or activities at the time, maybe you should rekindle those things so that you can spend some time together. Just living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed isn't a relationship, you should talk, do things together and enjoy each others company, although that should still leave room for individual pursuits and hobbies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent Orange Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I've been with my other half for 13yrs and married 2yrs. I've had to clear out my mother-in-laws house as my hubby couldn't face doing it. I visited my dad everyday before he died and I now care for my mum who is disabled. We have always lived very independant lives. He doesnt like the things that I do and I don't like the things he does, so we do our own things with our friends. I do love him but i feel that I'm the one making all the effort and I'm the one who does everything. I'm thinking about moving into my mum's for a while to see if it helps our relationship. I'm thinking along the lines of I'll have time and space to think clearly, and he has time to miss me and vice versa. My weeks consist of working 40 hours a week. After work I go to my mum's and do her tea, feed her animals, tidy up, and then I go home and normally flake out in front of the TV or go on the computer. My hubby is working between 2 & 4 days a week. He comes home feeds our dogs, then goes out for a couple of pints, comes home, we have tea which is either takeaway or he cooked it earlier, then falls asleep on the sofa. I dont get hugs or kisses without there being some sort of groping going on, which normally means he wants sex. On the rare times I get kisses its normally as we pass on the landing going to the loo before bed. I have had other men show interest in me which is very flattering but they say the grass in never green when you get there. I don't know if I should stay and work at it, leave for good or leave for a break. What do i do? Communicate. Sounds like there is little communication in the relationship. My advice would be to talk, tell him about how you are feeling etc. Men are not mind readers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowersfade Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 As AO mentioned men are not mind readers they are pretty stupid when it comes to dealing with our emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agent Orange Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 As AO mentioned men are not mind readers they are pretty stupid when it comes to dealing with our emotions. In all fairness, you could be the brightest man on the planet, and still would be a million miles from beginning to understand the workings of a woman's mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinz Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 What caused you to get together in the first place, you must have had some common interests or activities at the time, maybe you should rekindle those things so that you can spend some time together. Just living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed isn't a relationship, you should talk, do things together and enjoy each others company, although that should still leave room for individual pursuits and hobbies. I think the problem is time. Considering the hubby only works 2-4 days I would have thought a loving husband would reduce the wife's burden..even if that meant cooking and tidying for the mother. Sadly not all relationships are the result of common interests, just common needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Star Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Seeing as you have been married for two years, I take it none of these issues were there just 24 months ago? It seems that you already spend most of your free time with your mum, and so moving there wouldn't make much difference - Although it is nice that you are caring and want to spend time helping her out, you have a marriage to think about and you should want to spend this time with your husband - seeing as you don't, you should leave... You say that you don't share the same interests, so it might be better to let him find someone to share with, and when you are ready to devote some time to being with a man, then you can move on too, to someone who enjoys what you enjoy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyfriday Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Doesn't sound like he's a bad man, maybe you need to talk to him so he understands how you feel? I'm not sure that maoving out for a while is the best way to go though - it may panic the guy and lead him to believe it's all going down the tubes, but I understand your need to get away from things for a while to be able to think. I think it's healthy that you both have other friends and interests, but maybe you both need to make the effort to spend time together doing stuff you both enjoy - not easy with you working a 40 hour week, I know, but perhaps worth trying. Most importantly you need to talk to each other. I agree with this, all relationships go through peaks & troughs and it's how you respond to those challenges that makes the difference. My old grandad told me on my wedding day that marriage was hard work, I didn't really know what he meant at the time, but I did 22 years later when it was falling apart and neither me nor my wife (now ex) knew how to address our differences. Coming on here is a brave, first step. You say you still love hubby, that's a good start. Try to articulate what you've said here to him and at least give him a chance to meet you half way. As Halibut says, leaving now without any proper dialogue or show of commitment may leave him more confused and less likely to respond positively. Good luck to you, I genuinely believe any long term relationship is well worth working at, there aren't too many uniquely shaped pegs out there for our uniquely shaped holes, as tempting as a change might initially appear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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