Dear Forum.. I need advice on my marriage.

[big_g]

Putting on my marriage guidance hat (not), I'm wondering whether making time for each other and doing something different together like (for example), salsa dancing lessons or fencing or whatever. Just something that, in itself, is unimportant but would give you a common interest and something to talk about.

 

G

[girlyblonde]

Why did you fall for him in the first place ?? has he changed ? or are you the one that has changed ? Men are children that never grow up.... if we women remember that men, need to be told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it then our lives would be easier, MEN .KNOW YOUR PLACE !!!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK XX

[Suffragette1]

As for him seeing a kiss/hug etc as a precursor to sex, aren't all men the same on the score?!

 

Yes we are... and if you wimmin' ever gorm that you might start getting somewhere!

 

No they aren't.

 

NO!!

Which is it then? Guess BF and Halibut must be exceptionally tactile men on that score.

 

We sat down last night to discuss the situation. He agreed that we have problems as I've been snapping at him.

 

He said he loves me to bits but doesnt know how to show it as he doesn't do emotion.

 

My mum is disabled and needs me to care for her. I don't have any other family that could help.

I thought about getting a carer for my mum but even if I did that he would still be in the pub so I'd be home cleaning etc.

 

I don't want to stay if it's just for security and comfortableness, but I also don't want to throw away 13 years that I've worked hard for.

 

The fact that he says that he loves you to bits is a start in 'doing emotion', surely? The thing is, how do you feel? Do you still love him? Emotional and physical exhaustion in your work and caring responsibilities will take their toll and put a strain on even the best of relationships.

 

I still think that you need to look into what help you're entitled to from outside agencies vis a vis the caring. You do not want to find yourself in a position years down the line when your mum is no longer here and you've given everything up to care for her to find yourself without a life outside of work and caring and having passed opportunities by (for example having children, if that's what you want etc) and a huge void to fill. If I ever end up in a situation where I need looking after, I would hate to think of my children making such huge sacrifices on my account.

 

In your position, if I wanted to salvage the relationship, I would designate two evenings per week where you and your husband do something together that involves interacting and not slumping in front of the TV and lasping into a slumber. A drink down the pub together or even if it's a game of cards, Monopoly or Scrabble.

[Cyclone]

We sat down last night to discuss the situation. He agreed that we have problems as I've been snapping at him.

 

He said he loves me to bits but doesnt know how to show it as he doesn't do emotion.

 

My mum is disabled and needs me to care for her. I don't have any other family that could help.

I thought about getting a carer for my mum but even if I did that he would still be in the pub so I'd be home cleaning etc.

 

I don't want to stay if it's just for security and comfortableness, but I also don't want to throw away 13 years that I've worked hard for.

 

You didn't spend the last 13 years with him in the pub and you at home cleaning though, so what changed?

[boyfriday]

Which is it then? Guess BF and Halibut must be exceptionally tactile men on that score.

 

I wouldn't say overly tactile, but the little lady's always tret right before I make clear my amorous intentions, a bottle of Bass shandy always gets her in the mood

[Xt500]

I've been with my other half for 13yrs and married 2yrs. I've had to clear out my mother-in-laws house as my hubby couldn't face doing it. I visited my dad everyday before he died and I now care for my mum who is disabled. We have always lived very independant lives. He doesnt like the things that I do and I don't like the things he does, so we do our own things with our friends. I do love him but i feel that I'm the one making all the effort and I'm the one who does everything.

 

I'm thinking about moving into my mum's for a while to see if it helps our relationship. I'm thinking along the lines of I'll have time and space to think clearly, and he has time to miss me and vice versa.

 

My weeks consist of working 40 hours a week. After work I go to my mum's and do her tea, feed her animals, tidy up, and then I go home and normally flake out in front of the TV or go on the computer.

 

My hubby is working between 2 & 4 days a week. He comes home feeds our dogs, then goes out for a couple of pints, comes home, we have tea which is either takeaway or he cooked it earlier, then falls asleep on the sofa. I dont get hugs or kisses without there being some sort of groping going on, which normally means he wants sex. On the rare times I get kisses its normally as we pass on the landing going to the loo before bed. I have had other men show interest in me which is very flattering but they say the grass in never green when you get there.

 

I don't know if I should stay and work at it, leave for good or leave for a break. What do i do?

 

You dont do anything together

theres no love shown

sex is crap

and obviously theres no comunication

 

Ha ha youve got to be kidding!!

You need to get a life and hes not it,why you married him escapes me and it probably does you.You already know the answer so stop kidding your self.

[SnailyBoy]

You dont do anything together

theres no love shown

sex is crap

and obviously theres no comunication

 

Ha ha youve got to be kidding!!

You need to get a life and hes not it,why you married him escapes me and it probably does you.You already know the answer so stop kidding your self.

 

To think I thought Marjorie Proops was dead.

[Suffragette1]

You dont do anything together

theres no love shown

sex is crap

and obviously theres no comunication

 

Ha ha youve got to be kidding!!

You need to get a life and hes not it,why you married him escapes me and it probably does you.You already know the answer so stop kidding your self.

 

To think I thought Marjorie Proops was dead.

 

I know, it beggars belief. The level of empathy and sympathy is just outstanding.

 

Xt500 - the OP has not mentioned sex, how do you know that it's crap?

[cloudybay]

I've been with my other half for 13yrs and married 2yrs. I've had to clear out my mother-in-laws house as my hubby couldn't face doing it. I visited my dad everyday before he died and I now care for my mum who is disabled. We have always lived very independant lives. He doesnt like the things that I do and I don't like the things he does, so we do our own things with our friends. I do love him but i feel that I'm the one making all the effort and I'm the one who does everything.

 

I'm thinking about moving into my mum's for a while to see if it helps our relationship. I'm thinking along the lines of I'll have time and space to think clearly, and he has time to miss me and vice versa.

 

My weeks consist of working 40 hours a week. After work I go to my mum's and do her tea, feed her animals, tidy up, and then I go home and normally flake out in front of the TV or go on the computer.

 

My hubby is working between 2 & 4 days a week. He comes home feeds our dogs, then goes out for a couple of pints, comes home, we have tea which is either takeaway or he cooked it earlier, then falls asleep on the sofa. I dont get hugs or kisses without there being some sort of groping going on, which normally means he wants sex. On the rare times I get kisses its normally as we pass on the landing going to the loo before bed. I have had other men show interest in me which is very flattering but they say the grass in never green when you get there.

 

I don't know if I should stay and work at it, leave for good or leave for a break. What do i do?

 

Learn to love him a little less and yourself a little more.

[jojothecool]

I'm really pleased to hear some good advice on the Forum for once!

I totally agree with what others are saying - communication is the key. Very often we just drift into ways of behaving that neither of us want to, it just happens that way, but it won't just suddenly get better on its own. Nor will (most) fellas suddenly think 'Ooh, I'm not treating my lady like enough of a princess, I'll go straight out and book her a holiday to the Caribbean, redecorate the bathroom, cook her a romantic dinner, whisk her off to a swanky hotel, and proclaim from the hilltops how much I love her'! (although this is desperately what we'd love them to do!) He won't know how you feel unless you TELL him. A lot of men think you're 'on your period or something' if you're out of sorts. They don't have the same instincts as a lot of women do (i.e. if the man looks sad, blame themselves)

My boyfriend is an amazing communicator and it's the first time I've ever had that in a relationship and I can safely say that it's the best relationship I've ever had. As soon as there's even a slight issue, we talk about it before it develops into a bigger issues and always manage to take the sting out it.

If you talk about something before it develops into a big emotional issue, you won't get as angry or accusatory - you can talk calmly and objectively, and decide how you're going to move on as a strong and loving couple.

I know your situation has got further than that, but what I would advise is to try to maintain the same level of RATIONALITY as if you were dealing with it three years ago. Try to avoid language like 'You ALWAYS do this' or 'You NEVER do that' because men can only hear that literally and say, 'No, I did that three months ago' and you end up speaking at cross purposes.

Sit down when you're both ready - don't attempt a quick conversation over breakfast before you have to dash off to work, or when the football's on and he's not listening. (another generalisation, sorry!) Tell him that you want him to make time to talk to you about something important. Begin it with positives - tell him how much you love him and how much you want your love to grow. Then focus on your FEELINGS. Don't say 'You did this, and you did that...' because he'll just feel got at. If you say 'I feel like this' then you can always say 'I''m not criticising you, I'm just telling you how I feel' and he'll relax.

Also, instead of saying 'You never take me out anywhere' (he'll just feel hurt), say 'Do you remember when you took me out that time?...... I loved that so much and felt so happy. I'd love it if we could do that more often'. This will act as positive reinforcement and make him want to make you happy again. Then you can start making clear plans about specifically what you are going to do to improve the situation, e.g. You will sort out a nice night out for us once a fortnight / I won't go to mum's on Thursdays - I'll make sure we have a nice dinner in together every week. Give and take.

Remember positivity breeds positivity - negativity breeds negativity.

Anyway, I think I've waffled on enough, but just want to say GOOD LUCK. It sounds like you've got a good relationship deep down and don't want to throw it away.

Like you say, it seems like the grass is greener, but that's only because you're thirsting for attention and praise. In reality you'd probably like to hear it more from your fella than from anyone else. If you did leave your husband and go with one of these flatterers, it'd just turn into the same situation in a year or so if you went down the same line of lack of communication and allowing yourself to slip into a rut.

You two and make it work. All the best xxx