boyfriday Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I'm really pleased to hear some good advice on the Forum for once! I totally agree with what others are saying - communication is the key. Very often we just drift into ways of behaving that neither of us want to, it just happens that way, but it won't just suddenly get better on its own. Nor will (most) fellas suddenly think 'Ooh, I'm not treating my lady like enough of a princess, I'll go straight out and book her a holiday to the Caribbean, redecorate the bathroom, cook her a romantic dinner, whisk her off to a swanky hotel, and proclaim from the hilltops how much I love her'! (although this is desperately what we'd love them to do!) He won't know how you feel unless you TELL him. A lot of men think you're 'on your period or something' if you're out of sorts. They don't have the same instincts as a lot of women do (i.e. if the man looks sad, blame themselves) My boyfriend is an amazing communicator and it's the first time I've ever had that in a relationship and I can safely say that it's the best relationship I've ever had. As soon as there's even a slight issue, we talk about it before it develops into a bigger issues and always manage to take the sting out it. If you talk about something before it develops into a big emotional issue, you won't get as angry or accusatory - you can talk calmly and objectively, and decide how you're going to move on as a strong and loving couple. I know your situation has got further than that, but what I would advise is to try to maintain the same level of RATIONALITY as if you were dealing with it three years ago. Try to avoid language like 'You ALWAYS do this' or 'You NEVER do that' because men can only hear that literally and say, 'No, I did that three months ago' and you end up speaking at cross purposes. Sit down when you're both ready - don't attempt a quick conversation over breakfast before you have to dash off to work, or when the football's on and he's not listening. (another generalisation, sorry!) Tell him that you want him to make time to talk to you about something important. Begin it with positives - tell him how much you love him and how much you want your love to grow. Then focus on your FEELINGS. Don't say 'You did this, and you did that...' because he'll just feel got at. If you say 'I feel like this' then you can always say 'I''m not criticising you, I'm just telling you how I feel' and he'll relax. Also, instead of saying 'You never take me out anywhere' (he'll just feel hurt), say 'Do you remember when you took me out that time?...... I loved that so much and felt so happy. I'd love it if we could do that more often'. This will act as positive reinforcement and make him want to make you happy again. Then you can start making clear plans about specifically what you are going to do to improve the situation, e.g. You will sort out a nice night out for us once a fortnight / I won't go to mum's on Thursdays - I'll make sure we have a nice dinner in together every week. Give and take. Remember positivity breeds positivity - negativity breeds negativity. Anyway, I think I've waffled on enough, but just want to say GOOD LUCK. It sounds like you've got a good relationship deep down and don't want to throw it away. Like you say, it seems like the grass is greener, but that's only because you're thirsting for attention and praise. In reality you'd probably like to hear it more from your fella than from anyone else. If you did leave your husband and go with one of these flatterers, it'd just turn into the same situation in a year or so if you went down the same line of lack of communication and allowing yourself to slip into a rut. You two and make it work. All the best xxx Fantastic post jojothecool, if only we could all live to these principles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyfriday Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I'm really pleased to hear some good advice on the Forum for once! I totally agree with what others are saying - communication is the key. Very often we just drift into ways of behaving that neither of us want to, it just happens that way, but it won't just suddenly get better on its own. Nor will (most) fellas suddenly think 'Ooh, I'm not treating my lady like enough of a princess, I'll go straight out and book her a holiday to the Caribbean, redecorate the bathroom, cook her a romantic dinner, whisk her off to a swanky hotel, and proclaim from the hilltops how much I love her'! (although this is desperately what we'd love them to do!) He won't know how you feel unless you TELL him. A lot of men think you're 'on your period or something' if you're out of sorts. They don't have the same instincts as a lot of women do (i.e. if the man looks sad, blame themselves) My boyfriend is an amazing communicator and it's the first time I've ever had that in a relationship and I can safely say that it's the best relationship I've ever had. As soon as there's even a slight issue, we talk about it before it develops into a bigger issues and always manage to take the sting out it. If you talk about something before it develops into a big emotional issue, you won't get as angry or accusatory - you can talk calmly and objectively, and decide how you're going to move on as a strong and loving couple. I know your situation has got further than that, but what I would advise is to try to maintain the same level of RATIONALITY as if you were dealing with it three years ago. Try to avoid language like 'You ALWAYS do this' or 'You NEVER do that' because men can only hear that literally and say, 'No, I did that three months ago' and you end up speaking at cross purposes. Sit down when you're both ready - don't attempt a quick conversation over breakfast before you have to dash off to work, or when the football's on and he's not listening. (another generalisation, sorry!) Tell him that you want him to make time to talk to you about something important. Begin it with positives - tell him how much you love him and how much you want your love to grow. Then focus on your FEELINGS. Don't say 'You did this, and you did that...' because he'll just feel got at. If you say 'I feel like this' then you can always say 'I''m not criticising you, I'm just telling you how I feel' and he'll relax. Also, instead of saying 'You never take me out anywhere' (he'll just feel hurt), say 'Do you remember when you took me out that time?...... I loved that so much and felt so happy. I'd love it if we could do that more often'. This will act as positive reinforcement and make him want to make you happy again. Then you can start making clear plans about specifically what you are going to do to improve the situation, e.g. You will sort out a nice night out for us once a fortnight / I won't go to mum's on Thursdays - I'll make sure we have a nice dinner in together every week. Give and take. Remember positivity breeds positivity - negativity breeds negativity. Anyway, I think I've waffled on enough, but just want to say GOOD LUCK. It sounds like you've got a good relationship deep down and don't want to throw it away. Like you say, it seems like the grass is greener, but that's only because you're thirsting for attention and praise. In reality you'd probably like to hear it more from your fella than from anyone else. If you did leave your husband and go with one of these flatterers, it'd just turn into the same situation in a year or so if you went down the same line of lack of communication and allowing yourself to slip into a rut. You two and make it work. All the best xxx Ps: that's a really good point, we all have busy lifestyles and responding to the needs of our personal relationships is too often left to chance or discussed in the adverts during X-Factor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I find that the best time to have a chat is when going for a walk, with a dog is good, but just for the sake of it works as well. You can't help it really, two people walk somewhere together you can't avoid having a conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinz Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I find that the best time to have a chat is when going for a walk, with a dog is good, but just for the sake of it works as well. You can't help it really, two people walk somewhere together you can't avoid having a conversation. The simple ideas are usually the best. Forget all this bungee jumping, leaping out of planes nonsense. If you take cyclone's advice and unable to strike up a conversation you know yer ......! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jojothecool Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Any progress? How are things going? Thinking of you and hoping it goes well xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrBump Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 There is already lots of good advice here to be getting on with. ...I would just add a time frame. Don't expect changes overnight. It has been found that it takes 12 weeks to form a habit. So to form new good or reduce the bad one's you need to give each other a fair go at it before giving up on your wedding vow's. Good luck, I hope you feel content in the end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Fantastic post jojothecool, if only we could all live to these principles. Yeah, I thought it was pretty fine too BF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDeville Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hi Some simple, but seriously important facts re how to make a realitionship work: One needs to work at it. Compremise, ie both sides, try and keep it 50/50. share household tasks and change tasks. don't spend beyond your means. the grass will awlays appear greener on the other side of the mountain. give each other some space listen share interests. have a laugh don't disrect the others family TRSUT there is more but this is enough for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joiner andy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 do you write for the problem page in the daily sport? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANGELFIRE1 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 We pass this way only the once, despite what religion tells us. If you are not happy with your lot, then only you can do summat about it - stay as you are, or move on to fresher pastures. Good luck on what ever you decide. Regards Angel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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