steelblade Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I know what you mean rain. It isn't exactly the fact he has snogged someone else and the rest that has bothered me so much. It's more the fact that he actually wanted someone else, enjoyed someone else touching him etc..was turned on by someone else and shared some kind of intimacy with someone else with no thought for me whatsoever. I feel so stupid. I feel like they have taken the mick out of me and had a good laugh at me, although my head does tell me this probably isn't the case, it's hard not to think it. I can't stop feeling angry that he has been such an idiot to throw away 7 years for some quick fumble with a known slapper who he doesn't even like. This may sound weird and most people think I'm mad for saying this but I could sort of accept it more had there been a point to their liason. If they liked eachother and wanted to be together then it wouldn't be 7 years down the pan for nothing, as it stands their quick fuble was pointless, they've turned my life upside down for absolutly no reason whatsoever, apart from a quick turn on and ego boost for the pair of them. It's soooooo annoying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by kittykat Mike - yes, why not if youve found someone who fulfills the above catagories why would you want to be anything but monogomous in a relationship? Just asking really. I think that often the problem is even if people are in a "perfect" relationship, over a long time the grass gets greener over that fence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by steelblade I feel so stupid. I feel like they have taken the mick out of me and had a good laugh at me, although my head does tell me this probably isn't the case, it's hard not to think it. I can't stop feeling angry that he has been such an idiot to throw away 7 years for some quick fumble with a known slapper who he doesn't even like. When this sort of thing happens it's a killer - it can just completely do your head in and can be really painful. You probably feel stupid because you've laid yourself open to somebody emotionally and they've just trampled over your feelings so the natural thing is to withdraw and feel daft for ever doing it in the first place. Problem is, as Belle has said above, you only really have two choices, and that is to forget about it, or get out of there. I'm not trying to belittle how you feel but with seven years under your belts, and if you're still happy together, then you should be able to put a drunken snog behind you. If he'd been having an affair for the past six months or something, then I'd say differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steelblade Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I know what you mean Mike, to some people a drunken snog is nothing but the details aren't as clear cut. It happened in my house with someone I classed as a friend, albeit not a close one but a friend all the same. How they could have sat in my living room with all my things surrounding them and still do that to me is beyond belief. Some days I think yes I can forgive him then other days I think, my house you bar stewards!! how much can you take the ****. argghhhh I'm sure I'll get over it, whatever option I choose. I have already decided no matter which path I chose I am going to get my own life, start going out more with my own friends not mutual ones, I'm going to buy myself a car, get fit, get a tan and just generally make it so that if things do go belly up a few weeks or months down the line I will have my independance to make it on my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
max Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by steelblade I have already decided no matter which path I chose I am going to get my own life ... going to buy myself a car, get fit, get a tan ... That's the way. Then, whatever path you chose, you'll be able to look back at that snog in a positive light and say 'look at me now, all thanks to that snog'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 I was just going to say the same thing. Even if you stay together then it's a good thing to feel good about yourself and to have your own independance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
halevan Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Being faithfull to my ex-wife all the time we were together, it was never a problem for me! but for her to be the same to me, now that was! as she was **** happy and anything in trousers would do, men, (plural) money, booze, fags, pubs, nightclubs, miniskirts, sex, were her only interests. So, infidelity says more about the person concerned than about the act itself, that person is not to be trusted in any way, in friendship, the workplace, business, family, lending money, with your life in a dangerous situation, in confidence, in fact you dare not turn your back on such a person at all, ever, and they should be sent to Coventry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuteWitness Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 i think women and men are just as bad as each other but i do think it only happens when things in the relationship are lacking and insted of talking about the problems etc. people think it would be easier just to get someone else to do what the boy/girl friend is not doing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I already wrote this, but it doesnt seem to have worked so here I go again... and sorry if Im repeating myself. Firstly, it is heartbreakingly beautiful for me to discover that so many other people have been struggling with these issues. It makes me feel less alone. I am interested in this last idea that those who are unfaithful are untrustworthy in all areas of their life. On the one hand it seems harsh and extreme (I consider myself above average in the ways that I am loyal and trustworthy to family and friends), but on the other hand the constant chattering of my 'inner voice' that is the filter between me and the rest of the world tends to be predominately malicious: "I dont like that fat person"; "I want to hurt the bitch for doing that to me"; "Im a pathetic worm"; "what a stupid tie, thicko!"; "youre such a common little person for having a tattoo"; what an ares whole of a guy for having a pony tail"; etc. So, yes, the part of me that is spoken for by my 'inner voice' is thoroughly nasty. However, I do have a consciousness which intelligently tries to balance out the maliciousness in order to feel I am right in my dealings with the world. It was this part of me that decided I had to stop going into relationships once and for all if I was not going to be faithful. But even if I am fundamentally malicious - and there appear to be an awful lot out there like me - how can I make the best of my life? It seems from many of these replies that so many people are affected by the problems of human infidelities. If it is such a widespread problem the can I not in some way think of it as 'what Ive got to work with'? Isnt there another way for me to go? It seems to me that when people enter into relationship and choose to 'draw a line in the sand' about the rules of their relationship, that they are simultaneously setting up a self-destruct when things go wrong. Conversely, if they refrain from drawing a 'line in the sand', are they doomed to an existence of insecurity? When I have been unfaithful (cue cliche) it meant nothing to me; if ever my partners were unfaithful I felt torn apart. Why could I expect them to be faithful but think it didnt matter if I was... but I DID think just that. However, loyalty and fidelity are NOT the same thing. Of my casual partners, Id guess that about one in every three confesses to me afterwards that they are already in a relationship. So thats a lot of people out there who are tearing at the lives of the very people they feel they love. The monogamous people I know seem so much more self relient and calm (and smug too!) that I always want to be them. But those same people are never what I would describe as high-testosterone, alpha males (or female equivalent). Its fashionable in our age to talk about freedom of choice and individual responsiblity. Drunkeness is no longer a valid excuse for misdemeanours. So is being under the grip of ones hormones an acceptable explanation, or is it just another feeble excuse for unacceptable behaviour? I guess that many would agree with the latter, but try telling it to a woman in the throws of PMT and they might not treat you as being quite so righteous. But if my infidelity is part of the package of predispositions that Ive got to work with' when embarking on human relationships, why is it that in the very deepest part of the thing I call my heart...why to I just repeat the same yearing thought over and over throughout my life...why do I forever yearn for true and everlasting love? What can you do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Wow So many questions, so little time Do you want the nice answer or the nasty answer? You do sound like a right B-word. If that really is the little voice inside your head then you are not a nice person to know, as you have acknowledged. I would imagine that you probably dont rate loyalty to someone else above your own self-gratification and desire, which is probably the answer to why you are unfaithful. You havent learnt yet to put others first, this is what you have to do in order to be loyal, loving and faithful. I hope you continue to keep away from relationships for as long as you still feel this bitterness inside all the time. I could tell you to spend some time getting close to Jesus but you will probably think that is barmy and will ignore it. More practically, I dont know how old you are, it might be that you become more mellow in time and learn to love other people more than yourself. But basically you wont be faithful to anyone unless you can put them first. So if you feel you cant do that, it is great that you are being decent enough to keep out of relationships Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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