Martin_s Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 As someone with the opposite problem of putting others before myself most of the time the answer is a relatively simple statement... "Find a balance"... It's true of everything in life and bloody hard to do... but it requires effort, time and is full of the wonderful curve balls that life throws.. But at the end of the day "argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours"... If you insist on being unfaithful you will continue to be.. Time to take responsibility for your actions, life and your happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 Belle... Im a born again Christian! I do hate it when people try to put spiritual guilt on me...its so bigoted of them. It will be a sad day for Jesus when Christians run around judging others all the time... shock horror - Heaven forbid! So everyone, what sugar-candy comments does your inner voice chatter to you? Peace and love? Everyone is equal? That last comment makes me feel bitter, because I put out something intimate about myself that bothers me and was immediately judged sentenced and put away. As with my first question - 'why am I unfaithful?' My problem is not so much the 'truth' of right or wrong, but why am I this way and what can I do. I put out information about myself asking for helpful suggestions and I got back a nasty judgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 It wasnt meant to be a nasty judgement It was meant to be an honest and helpful answer and I was using your words not my own. I have never before heard anyone admit to being so nasty in their head, especially not someone who purports to be a Christian. Perhaps if you are a newly arrived born again Christian you just need more time to learn how to love your neighbours, then you will not be nasty in your head and you will learn fidelity. I was making no attempt at putting spiritual guilt on you, I meant exactly what I said, that in my view, you would learn about love from Jesus. (And we dont need an anti-religious gripe now from anyone, that was a perfectly genuine response from a believer) I dont think you will find any takers to agree with you that I made a nasty judgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin_s Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by rain but why am I this way and what can I do. I put out information about myself asking for helpful suggestions and I got back a nasty judgement. There's a lot of truth in the expression "Don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer" As I've already noted, what you can do is accept responsibility for your own life and actions and do your best... You can't ask any more of yourself than that.. Best of luck.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 and Im not sure where we got this idea that I always put myself before others. As I said, my inner voice will invariably make selfish suggestions, but my mind over-rules them. I invariably do put others first at whatever cost - half the time people tell me I have to look after myself more- but it is my unfaithfulness that is the issue I wanted to address really, and thats not my whole life. Even if sometimes it seems like sexuality surrounds us completely - as ever present and invisible as water is for fish. I guess Ill just carry on staying celibate then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 isnt stopping myself from hurting partners taking responsiblity? I dont understand that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 and if we're all so responsible for our own actions why is it that were so easily influenced all the time. why do people bother advertising for example. Taking responsiblity for ones actions is a useful way to live with integrity. But that does not mean that its logical. Its like the equality argument : "We are all unique; each with special unquantifiable qualities: therefore we must be equal". Its nice because it helps us all feel secure about ourselves, but bears no place in rational thought. It is important to convince everyone of the theory of personal responsiblity because it gives us discipline and helps us feel were doing the right thing. But logically its a suspect argument. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 and Belle you called me a "B-word" (ooh, so scary!) and not a nice person to know. How can you say you werent being judgemental? You dont know me..... so you can have no idea about how nice I am to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin_s Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Personally I think this thread has gone on long enough... I hear so many conflicting arguements in this post that I'm completely bamboozled.. One thing I'm certainly not suggesting though is that there's some arguement for "the devil made me do it". B*llox... you take responsiblity for your own self control, denial of temptation and all that jazz... we teach kids this as they grow up.. or we try to... The whole thing has become a whole lot bigger and more personal than it should have done though... That's all I'm saying on this from here on in... Back to my tax return Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 I subscribe to the personal-responsiblity-for-ones-own-choices theory, but I dont accept that it it is watertight as it does not take into account the ability of events, circumstances, genetics and other individuals persuasiveness or intervention to influence choice. Nor does it take into account that some individuals are more easily influenced than others. The ability to be able to see irony in a given situation does not in itself make one right. However, it did seem ironic to me that someone who criticised the nature of my automatic thoughts/inner voice, was unable to notice when their own inner voice told them that I was 'not a nice person to know', and put that thought out unquestioningly. It seems to me that an individual who is unable to recognise the influence of their own automatic thoughts is more questionable that someone who hears their automatic thoughts clearly and struggles against them. Preachy me. This whole discussion has given me a great feeling of happiness and relief. I previously thought that wanting true everlasting love and expecting partners to be faithful while I am not was an unreconcilable conflict. However, it was only an *unreconcilable* conlict because I choose to make it unreconcilable. If nothing else, all these peoples experiences have made me realise that there are an awful lot of men and women out there who's actions demonstrate that they share the same conflict that I have felt. With a strong level of communication it should be perfectly possible to find compatiblity with a like-minded person to myself. Two people who are both able to admit to each other that they want true love, fidelity and their own freedom to be unfaithful, will be able to understand each other perfectly, and embrace the conflict as something that empowers their relationship. Now all I have to do is work out how to find such a partner without putting them off by being so frank about it. Tricky... but not impossible I imagine. Thanks for the input and for saving me so much money on those expensive private counsellors. Suggestions on a postcard, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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