Dear Forum... Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Dear Forum... I need some marriage/ financial advice My husband is self employed and at the moment he isn't making any money, I am the sole provider for the bills. As things stand now we only just get by each month. I don't mind having to work (well I don't enjoy it but neither do lots of people) but what really annoys me is his blasé attitude to spending money. While one week I might be struggling to make ends meet, he thinks nothing of taking money to go out and have a drink. It really upsets me because I know I'm the one who has to go out and earn the money and then stress over the bills! If I say anything he gets mad and makes out that I'm being tight. I'm not trying to make out like he's a bad person because he's not, and he doesn't go out all the time but he doesn't ever seem to differentiate between times when we have spare money and times when we don't, if he wants to go get drunk he will, even if he's using the rent money to go do it. It's so frustrating. I just don't know what to do. I feel like giving up and not bothering any more but if I do that we'll be out on the street within 2 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexusdee Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 It must be a terrible situation & not one I'm experienced in so my advice could be wrong but I would play tough love either don't give him the money after all what about you, you work hard you deserve the odd treat so either just say no, don't give him the money & put up with his sulks, tell him if he wants beer money them get a part time job until his self employment brings money in, or give him the money but don't feed him & tell him he had his food money in the pub, might change his mind when he goes hungry. But I would say you will have to toughen up & treat him like a child & not give in to his tantrums. Really hope you sort things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medusa Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I've been in this situation and it's taken me 11 years to get the debts which resulted paid off, so I feel for you in this one. Having been through this once, my advice to you would be simple: ringfence the money which you NEED to pay the bills (and which he needs too, to pay for the basics that he gets by default when you pay for them) into a separate bank account, to which he has no access. Sit him down and tell him that you're going to do it, and explain that there are times when he may not be aware of it, but he's putting your home at risk when he takes money out without knowing whether the rent payment has gone out first. Have your money paid into the bills account and then filter the money that is left over and which you can both use as pocket money into an account where the worst he can do is to spend the money that is above the basic bills level. It may feel a little like being his mother, and I agree that it sucks that he isn't more financially responsible, but if it's a fact of life that he isn't then the worst thing you can do is to let him carry on and end up in financial problems because you don't discuss it or work a way not to go there. It solves nothing to just carry on as you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chem1st Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Have you thought about buying him a homebrew kit from wilkinsons? It'll give him something to do to occupy his time and save lots of money and allow him to still have a few beers. The price of beer being quite extortionate. Have you thought that he may be drinking due to boredom/depression resulting form a lack of work/purpose/income? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexusdee Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Medusa your advice was excellent & I hope the OP takes that into consideration Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rupert_Baehr Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I agree completely with Medusa. Hopefully he will learn to be financially responsible, but it may well take some time - it seems that there are some people who simply do not understand the need for financial responsibility. Two separate accounts (with you holding the purse strings to the budge account) will make it easier for both of you to control your household budget. Your existing bank may not be too happy with the idea - it does mean additional cost for them - but there are other banks who will be willing to take your business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Location114 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 My advice on this is from a personal perspective so im not saying its the best you will recieve but here goes. Let me explain my story: When me and my OH first got together i wouldnt class myself as an alcoholic id call myself a binge drinker. I didnt work didn't have any intention or strive to work just wanted to stay at home till i was paid by the dole centre and then go out and get blazed. The problem i found was id have 2 good mashed days then another 12 bored out of my skull so what i found helped me substantially was to do household jobs maybe a little glossing here and there BUT dont ask for too much. Dont be giving him 100 things to do in a week just one or two then at the end of week if the money is available give him a few bob say £20 to go and have a beer or two. Now i know what your thinking how will giving him money for drink help me....well the answer is that when you have had to earn the beer it always seemed alot more nicer to me and i actually enjoyed it rather than just something i did because i couldnt do anything else this also has another positive effect being that when i drunk through the week and basically for no apparent reason it became quickly very boring and i just didnt like it much anymore. So now i only have a beer once every so often but i actually enjoy it and risking my home is not something i consider. Now i am not saying this WILL work but by all means its worth a go. P.S hope your situation improves Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cressida Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Looking at it from another angle, do you think he is depressed and knows he is not pulling his weight and having a drink is a way of dealing with it? He needs to be shown another way if this is the case, good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dear Forum... Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thank you all for the advice. My husband is not a heavy drinker/ alcoholic, sorry if I made it sound that way. He is just unable to comprehend budgeting money. He'll spend money on rubbish when our bills are due and we're short. Some months it's not a problem because we have enough for him to do what he wants, but others we really can't afford it but he'll go do it anyway. We don't have any children, thank god otherwise I would go to extremes to make sure this didn't happen. I already have a separate account for the bills but if he wants money he'll just make me take it out and give it to him. I've had countless conversations with him about what will happen the time when I don't manage to pull us through and he listens at the time, but the next time he wants something he magically forget these conversations. The suggestion about giving him a weekly budget wouldn't work for us because he likes to feel in control and he would feel patronised, which would cause more problems... He's not depressed. He may be a little underwhelmed with life in general but he does a job he enjoys, otherwise he wouldn't do, after all he's certainly not doing it for the money because he isn't making any. We have a good relationship apart from the financial issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Location114 Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 Well all i can say is im glad i took the time to write my story because you have moaned about a problem several solutions have been offered and you have writ everyone off if you dont try something you wont know it wont work. Also from a balanced point of view so what if he dont like the methods you take maybe this will be an incentive for him to stop doing it. I can not see why you droaned on about your situation to just rub every suggestion off isnt that well of a waste of your and my time. Thank you all for the advice. My husband is not a heavy drinker/ alcoholic, sorry if I made it sound that way. He is just unable to comprehend budgeting money. He'll spend money on rubbish when our bills are due and we're short. Some months it's not a problem because we have enough for him to do what he wants, but others we really can't afford it but he'll go do it anyway. We don't have any children, thank god otherwise I would go to extremes to make sure this didn't happen. I already have a separate account for the bills but if he wants money he'll just make me take it out and give it to him. I've had countless conversations with him about what will happen the time when I don't manage to pull us through and he listens at the time, but the next time he wants something he magically forget these conversations. The suggestion about giving him a weekly budget wouldn't work for us because he likes to feel in control and he would feel patronised, which would cause more problems... He's not depressed. He may be a little underwhelmed with life in general but he does a job he enjoys, otherwise he wouldn't do, after all he's certainly not doing it for the money because he isn't making any. We have a good relationship apart from the financial issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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