Central University Neepsend Tip Site

[Hopman]

Would it not be better to replace the traditional cap and gown with a baseball cap and a sweatshirt?

 

I like the idea of combining the Department of Political Science with the Department of Trading at the site further down the River Don. This should be suitable for training all those politicians who sell us down the river.

[timo]

That, Professor Hopman, is an idea which we may have to seriously consider as the traditional cap and gowns are, as Finklestein and Pissupski [2003] suggest, ' Symbols of the out-moded, elitist, sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, patriarchal, hegemonic, Eurocentric, phallocentric, colonialist, absolutist meta-narrative of a community of scholars'. We need to break down the artificial, socially-constructed barriers between 'tutor' and 'student' [which reflects specifically Western over-reliance upon binary oppositions]. This may involve staff as well as students in baseball caps and sweatshirts on Graduation Day [Lord Chaverly has gone so far as to suggest beach-wear, but that is for the truly avant garde institutions, such as Shiregreen Higher Institute of Tertiary Education, in which students and tutors exchange roles for a semester as a 'learning experience'].

 

 

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

 

The Central University Neepsend Tip Site wishes to apologise for a further printing error in the 2006-2007 prospectus. On page 28, it is claimed that we offer Degree level programmes in both B.A.[Hons] Rap Culture and BSc. Advanced Studies in The Preparation of Hot Infusions of Indian Leaves. In fact the two programmes are in the process of being merged into one as a result of the success of the joint-disciplinary conference which examined links between tea-making and violent, homophobic, misogynistic Gangsta Rap , 'More Tea anyone? Shall I be Motherf***er?'.

[LordChaverly]

At the launch of this joint disciplinary gangsta rap/tea making degree course, a key note speech will be given by Ice T, on the theme of 'Somebody gotta do it ('Pimpin' ain't easy).

[timo]

That is correct, Lord Chaverly. We have managed to persuade our Honorary Visiting Professor, Ice T to deliver a keynote speech. The fee was understandably expensive, and the 'rider' most specific. Alongside his fee, our Visiting Professor specified ,'As much Ben and motherfu**in' Jerrys as I can eat, some deep quality sh*t, and booty. You heard me right, pointy head? BOOTY! Send that big-assed Beyonce-lookalike woman, Mar-c-i-a? Marcia? Right? Yeah, send that ho round to my room afterwards. Man, that bitch got 'back'! Where's the motherf**in' caterer?!'

 

Mrs Marcia Campbell of Burngreave [who because of funding difficulties is introduced to students of the B.A.[Hons] Beyonce Studies programme as their idol] , we are pleased to report, has agreed to an evening in the company of our honoured guest. ' Alreet, I'll do it. But I'm not putting them 'batty rider' shorts on agearn. Thee try sitting darn wi them on. An ahm not doin owt pre-verted wi 'im either', she told me this morning, over breakfast.

[daverity]

Timo,

 

Once again greetings from the South Liverpool Academy of Giro Studies and I look forward to our anticipated student exchange for the forthcoming academic year. I feel sure that our collaboration will be an outstanding success over the years. The Director of Exchange Courses, your old chum Shifty though has asked me to request from your goodself some data.

It seems that the students are keen to know, (I really don't know why) the frequency of Police patrols and numbers of, as they like to say, 'Bizzies' around the Dore and Totley areas. These lads are our brightest scholars and I must say on previous exchanges they have assiduously researched their exchange venue before their visit with outstanding results every time.

 

Now a bit of good news to bring. Firstly the DHSS crisis loan was approved and we have invested heavily in the chemistry department. Stocks of a chemical, codenamed 'White Lightening' are now at an all time high and for some inexplicable reason since we now find that chemistry has become very popular within the faculty?

Part of the criteria of the loan however was that we had to reassess our appeal to recent migrants to our area. We are therefore proud to announce the introduction of a new course

Fundamentals & Use of Chewing Khat Whilst In Toxteth. Induction starts in the New Year, though I know Mooey has agreed to take personal responsibility to research and prepare his course over the coming festivities. He is currently sat in the staff common room as we speak but I am rather worried about him, his eyes are very glazed and he keeps mumbling incoherently. He has also taken to bringing a couple of female assistants to work, who he unusually insists must remain outside the academy gates, wearing attire that I'm sure is totally unsuitable for the current cold climate and waving at passing male motorists all day? He is known for his innovative and unothodox approach but I can't help think that perhaps there are maybe better ways of raising the Academy's profile!

 

Finally, last week saw, as is usual in December, SL's Founder's Day. As always it was well attended and we were particularly honoured by the presence of this year's GUEST SPEAKER who, eager to enter into the spirit of this seat of learning, cut an elegant dash dressed in our new uniform.

I must go now because my secretary informs me that we have a visit from Merseyside's finest who apparently want to bestow a warrant on us? I suppose that will mean we will have to change all the stationary now to include the Royal Seal? My what a splendid week, the warmest of season's greetings to everybody at CU, we will speak no doubt in the New Year

[timo]

Thankyou, Dr. Daverity, for your warm seasonal greetings, and further excellent ideas for pedagogical , inter-institutional, interdisciplinary and research collaboration in the New Year between C.U. and South Liverpool Academy [by the way, kindly tell Shifty that I'll provide him with the data on 'the bizzies' after Xmas; he and I usually go for a few 'bevvies' and a 'bit of scran' in the New Year, as he so charmingly puts it ].

 

I am about to close the doors of Central University Neepsend Tip Site for the 'Holiday' period. May I therefore extend my very warmest, best wishes for Christmas and the New Year to fellow posters and contributors to this thread [and also those who contributed to 'The Most Slappable Face in Entertainment' thread]. In particular, I thank the magnificent Lord Chaverly, for a year's worth of good-natured banter and first-rate debate. I salute you, sir. Consider your position as Dean of Arse and Sciences as a job for life.

 

Merry Xmas everyone. See you next year.

 

Timo

[LordChaverly]

Originally posted by timo

Thankyou, Dr. Daverity, for your warm seasonal greetings, and further excellent ideas for pedagogical , inter-institutional, interdisciplinary and research collaboration in the New Year between C.U. and South Liverpool Academy [by the way, kindly tell Shifty that I'll provide him with the data on 'the bizzies' after Xmas; he and I usually go for a few 'bevvies' and a 'bit of scran' in the New Year, as he so charmingly puts it ].

 

I am about to close the doors of Central University Neepsend Tip Site for the 'Holiday' period. May I therefore extend my very warmest, best wishes for Christmas and the New Year to fellow posters and contributors to this thread [and also those who contributed to 'The Most Slappable Face in Entertainment' thread]. In particular, I thank the magnificent Lord Chaverly, for a year's worth of good-natured banter and first-rate debate. I salute you, sir. Consider your position as Dean of Arse and Sciences as a job for life.

 

Merry Xmas everyone. See you next year.

 

Timo

 

Thank you Timo for those kind words, which are of course wholeheartedly reciprocated. The forum will be a much duller, less interesting and informative place without your sparkling wit, iconoclasm and truly remarkable erudition on a wide range of subjects.

 

Yes, its time to close the gates of the groves of academe for the vacation period. Our student's thirst for knowledge, among other things, is now sated until next term. The seminar rooms which so recently reverberated with the clash and clamour of hot opinion are now silent. The library (known colloquially as the 'plagiarism centre') is pervaded with a morgue-like silence. All of the students have now departed, except for those who have ASBOs in their home towns.

 

Thank you so much for granting me permanent and unconditional tenure (I notice there are no clauses in the contract relating to Gross Moral Terpitude, of the kind which have caused me so much trouble in the past). It is indeed pleasing to know that students of CU can sit at my feet, imbibing knowledge among other things, and that I am free to bestow upon them my renowned (if somewhat controversial) interactive form of pastoral care, until my dotage.

[timo]

As Vice-Chancellor of Central University Neepsend Tip Site, may I extend my warmest wishes to staff and students for a prosperous, vibrant and throbbing 2006 at the cutting edge of academe. Let us enter this exciting new year with great confidence, ignoring the unfair and unfounded HEFCE ratings , and sardonic jibes from dons at elitist Universities in the discredited Russell Group. We at C.U. understand only too well, that our non-judgemental entrance requirements, non-traditional prospectus and holistic, multicultural philosophy attracts ridicule and resentment in equal measure. Newspaper headlines such as, 'Britain's Loony Uni' [The Sun], do not help our mission. Nor does the continuing vindictiveness of The Daily Telegraph's John Clare [Education Correspondent], who shrilly demanded this week that , 'This house of depravity should be bulldozed into oblivion'.

 

Rest assured that the Central University of Neepsend Tip Site will continue unabated, guided by my own benign hand.

 

Happy New Year,

 

Prof. Timo

[ToryCynic]

Is there a possibility on starting classes on 'Music Analysing and Scoialising' (BA [Hons]). I was thinking the course syllabus could include writing paragraphs on the learners' favourite pieces of music, the discsussing them with their fellow learners?

 

I could teach M.A.S!

 

Note: 'learner' is a new phrase for student/pupil - I'm a 'learner' at college.

 

:R

[Phanerothyme]

Dear Academic Vice Chancellor,

 

Is the 'The University of Bums on Seats' an accredited franchise college of yours, or are they just stealing your syllabi?

 

Can I get my doctorate on line like I did there?

 

Do you have franchise colleges in Myanmar? Saudi? Dubai? Or any other countries where I can study for my D.Phil. in 'Coercive Interrogation & Tourism'?