Central University Neepsend Tip Site

[shoeshine]

Listen you moronic telephone operative.......this time I insist on an answer from a human being! Last time I forked out over £48 to listen to a tape recorder on the Vice Chancellors desk.......now pick the damned phone up or it's a strong dose of my hoppo Agent Orange coming your way via a B52!

[shoeshine]

OK then.......just to recap.......one dose of Agent Orange and there'll be no more Ambrosia Creamed Rice Puddings in school meals from you lot for a few years......

[deadheadfred]

Dear Vice Chancellor,

 

Following on from your previous helpful advice, I have now spent many an evening hard at it and, for my pains, am now in posession of calloused palms and a certificate in quite hard sums. I now wish to build on this achievement, and diversify my studies to encompass something a little more on the artistic side.

 

Will your new curriculum offer a Joint Honours course in very hard sums and exotic terpsichory? I have a hankering to perform the dance of the √49 veils in the university’s year-end revue whilst clad in an organza ballgown studded with quadratic equations fashioned from rhinestones.

 

Kind regards,

dhf.

[shoeshine]

No good writing to that sozzled fool, dhf. He'll be slumped over the desk with an empty bottle of homemade Cherryade and some funny mushrooms.

 

It's like trying to enrol as a coffee cup at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party.

 

The Ski Village should have a lovely Orange hue anytime soon.

[Hopman]

With the holiday season nearly upon us, we should soon see the effects of employing our latest graduates from the Random Suitcase & Luggage Studies course.

As you are no doubt aware, the purpose of this course is to broaden people's minds to exotic foreign locations. Students spend three years reading luggage labels on suitcases in order to be able to send the luggage to a destination other than the one on the label. Since this year's graduates are the first batch to be employed at airports, we can only expect the mis-direction to European Airports, but it is hoped that in future luggage will be sent to the wrong continents.

 

Passengers will find it entertaining and educational looking on maps to see just which exotic location their luggage has visited. The combined course of Random Suitcase & Luggage Studies together with Professor Lord C's Medical Course has chalked up one success already. A Mr Owen, en route to Newcastle from Germany is the first of many to benefit from this course. There have been reports that his knee has gone awol, although no dates have been suggested for recovery.

[cloudybay]

With the holiday season nearly upon us, we should soon see the effects of employing our latest graduates from the Random Suitcase & Luggage Studies course.

As you are no doubt aware, the purpose of this course is to broaden people's minds to exotic foreign locations. Students spend three years reading luggage labels on suitcases in order to be able to send the luggage to a destination other than the one on the label. Since this year's graduates are the first batch to be employed at airports, we can only expect the mis-direction to European Airports, but it is hoped that in future luggage will be sent to the wrong continents.

 

Passengers will find it entertaining and educational looking on maps to see just which exotic location their luggage has visited. The combined course of Random Suitcase & Luggage Studies together with Professor Lord C's Medical Course has chalked up one success already. A Mr Owen, en route to Newcastle from Germany is the first of many to benefit from this course. There have been reports that his knee has gone awol, although no dates have been suggested for recovery.

 

And things can only get worse. I'm very proud to announce that my application for the position of High Priestess of a thousand cups and sorcerer's, has been successful. So far, I've managed to turn Water into a wino (well, he was threatening to gain a D- and that's far too good for us), turn custard into mustard,and transform a McDonald's into something totally inedible ( such are my powers). Jamie Oliver is currently chilling out in the deep freeze, in preparation for tomorrow's 'Most irritating little git on TV' celebrations,where he thinks he'll be awarding the prizes.

[shoeshine]

The reason I am getting desperate to involve myself in the Horseshoe Clipping and Shaping Course follows a viewing of Newsnight last night.

 

I believe a recent Graduate from the Central University Neepsend Tip Site has reached the top of his profession.......the Head of H.M. Customs and Excise.

 

It would appear that the "Red-Something to Declare" Channels within the major UK Airports, including Heathrow and Manchester are no longer subject to humans on duty. Their place has been taken by a free phone service.

 

People entering the country at these points are asked to pick up the phone and a human promises that a team of Excise Officers will attend them from a remote location within 40minutes. If the declarer can't wait that long he/she is requested to leave a name and address at which they can be contacted.

 

Apparently the whole of the Welsh Coast, renowned for its level of smuggling of contraband for centuries requires a call to the Birmingham Customs and Excise to bring their attention to potential problem items requiring Excise Duty to be paid.

 

Imagine my pleasure, and surprise when the Head of the Customs and Excise for the UK (an erstwhile Graduate of the Central University Neepsend Tip Site) proudly gave the assurance that the system was working effectively and efficiently, going on to add that he was particularly proud to declare that there was someone at the distant end of the phone 24 hours a day to answer the telephone.

 

In his usual fashion, Mr. Paxman was not impressed with the answers to his questions.

 

Shame on you Mr. Paxman. You were interviewing a "star" pupil Graduate from our local University.

 

I just can't wait to get my Degree and join the top ranks of a major Government Department.

[taxman]

The reason I am getting desperate to involve myself in the Horseshoe Clipping and Shaping Course follows a viewing of Newsnight last night.

 

I believe a recent Graduate from the Central University Neepsend Tip Site has reached the top of his profession.......the Head of H.M. Customs and Excise.

 

It would appear that the "Red-Something to Declare" Channels within the major UK Airports, including Heathrow and Manchester are no longer subject to humans on duty. Their place has been taken by a free phone service.

 

People entering the country at these points are asked to pick up the phone and a human promises that a team of Excise Officers will attend them from a remote location within 40minutes. If the declarer can't wait that long he/she is requested to leave a name and address at which they can be contacted.

 

Apparently the whole of the Welsh Coast, renowned for its level of smuggling of contraband for centuries requires a call to the Birmingham Customs and Excise to bring their attention to potential problem items requiring Excise Duty to be paid.

 

Imagine my pleasure, and surprise when the Head of the Customs and Excise for the UK (an erstwhile Graduate of the Central University Neepsend Tip Site) proudly gave the assurance that the system was working effectively and efficiently, going on to add that he was particularly proud to declare that there was someone at the distant end of the phone 24 hours a day to answer the telephone.

 

In his usual fashion, Mr. Paxman was not impressed with the answers to his questions.

 

Shame on you Mr. Paxman. You were interviewing a "star" pupil Graduate from our local University.

 

I just can't wait to get my Degree and join the top ranks of a major Government Department.

 

 

I'll send you an application form - we are currently recruiting in the lame excuses department.

 

Intrestingly (or not) our in house intranet published a defense of our policy this morning, full of naff excuses and management speak - oops, Newsnight must have hit a raw nerve.

 

In our in house magazine this week they also published a picture chart showing all the bosses and heads of depatments, arranged in a big circle with our glorious leader Varney in the middle. Exactly the correct size and shape for a dartboard!!

[shoeshine]

I'll send you an application form - we are currently recruiting in the lame excuses department.

 

Intrestingly (or not) our in house intranet published a defense of our policy this morning, full of naff excuses and management speak - oops, Newsnight must have hit a raw nerve.

 

In our in house magazine this week they also published a picture chart showing all the bosses and heads of depatments, arranged in a big circle with our glorious leader Varney in the middle. Exactly the correct size and shape for a dartboard!!

 

I will sharpen my darts forthwith. Can I use a bit of Cherry Blossom on the tips?

 

By the way, the Varney bloke, is that a relative of the late Reg Varney of "On the Buses" fame.....with a sister called Olive?

 

Keep me informed about the job vacancies..........I may get a top job in H.M Customs and Excise without having to attain an IQ of 50.

 

The Vice Chancellor of the Central University Neepsend Tip Site can stick his funny mushrooms where the sun don't shine.

 

Oh, by the way, should I learn my alphabet first or wait till Paxman interviews me?

[Hopman]

Students spend three years reading luggage labels on suitcases in order to be able to send the luggage to a destination other than the one on the label.

 

You don't seriously think that luggage gets lost on its own, do you?