Central University Neepsend Tip Site

[timo]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Central University Neepsend Tip Site wish to make it known that the institution has been targeted by a cyber-terrorist cell run by the self-styled Anarcho-Syndicalist [and former tutor in Plasticine Worm Modelling at Shiregreen Higher Institute of Tertiary Education] known as 'Deadheadfred'. The cell disseminates odious falsehoods and potentially libellous allegations about hardworking members of staff.

 

The Vice Chancellor, Professor Timo, wishes it to be known that the recent allegations of sexual depravity and unseemly lubricity involving himself and several 'missee nicetime' Cayman Isle ladies are completely unfounded. Professor Timo was 'back-scuttling' Mrs Marcia Campbell of Pitsmoor [ Beyonce stunt-double and Tutor in Advanced Bootiliciousness] in a bedsit in Broomhall at the time of the alleged incidents. Mrs Campbell has commented, 'Wey, it's not that we've done owt illegal is it, like? Mind you, its not fer t' want o tryin' on 'is part. He keeps sayin' it waint 'urt but I don't believe 'im'. Put it this way, he wunt pass GCSE Geography wi 'is sense o direction'. Professor Timo is unavailable for comment.

[deadheadfred]

What a pathetic attempt at establishing an alibi!

 

The delectable Marcia was not in Broomhall at the time of the incident and your excuse holds no water. The pulchritudinous Mrs Campbell was on stage at the Bulawayo Music Bar, Elsecar, at the time. Her turn at the Diana Ross karaoke night was favourably reviewed by several local newspapers, so her whereabouts are firmly established. I was, indeed, there myself and can still hear her dulcet tones ringing out in my memory;

 

“Does tha’ knaw, weer thar’t gooin ter,

Does tha’ knaw t’things that life is showin’ thi,

Weer tha’ gooin ter,

Does tha knaw?”

 

I have little doubt that the prosecution of the self-styled Earl of Burscough will proceed.

[shoeshine]

Any news of Betty Groin's Hang Glider on Grand Cayman?

 

I hope she didn't hurt her little chihuahua.

[deadheadfred]

“You have reached the telephone answering service for dhf Espionage Services plc.

 

We are unable to answer your call right now, as “Il Maestro Fredini” is in congress with Ms. Suki Bangagong (36-24-36).

 

Please hold the line. Your call is important to us, as we are charging you £7.50 per minute.

 

You are at ----POSITION 86 --- in the queue.”

[shoeshine]

Listen you lot, I have been hanging on here for 3 days. At £7.50 per minute!

 

I am looking to find the key to my chromium plated National Provincial Piggy Bank to subsidise this call.

 

By the way, what exactly is Position 86? I have had a sheltered upbringing!

 

Ring me back on Freefone 0800-10044775666- 27. Or else.

[deadheadfred]

AUTOMATIC MESSAGE.

 

Please select from the following options;

 

Press 1 to hear an up to the minute report from The Court Service, Cayman Brac.

 

Press 2 if you want to place an order for further supplies of Sanatogen Tonic Wine (fortifies the over-forties; obliterates the over-eighties).

 

Press 3 if you want to transfer to an external answering service playing another recorded message from Central University Neepsend Tip Site (motto; We Never Open).

 

Press 4 if you want to know how much this call has cost you so far.

 

Please press the # key if you want to speak to one of our operatives – they will respond to your call as soon as possible (please allow 28 days). They will then be able to provide the same service as selecting option 4, but at a much higher cost.

[Hopman]

Far be it for me to criticise Lord C in his quest to ban pedestrians, but there are plans to introduce a new course next autumn which may be of interest.

The course which leads to a Diploma in Ambulatory Studies, will enable students to increase their walking skills.

In the first year they will learn how to walk in a straight line, initially on pavements, but later the most gifted will be stepping out on the roads around the University. For reasons of safety, each walker will be preceded by a slow moving car carrying a red flag to warn other road users. Initial trials using a red and white flag have proved that it is possible in many cases to affix such a flag to vehicles.

If you see a vehicle carrying one of the flags, then there may be a trainee pedestrian behind it. If by any chance you see a flag bedecked car going in reverse, then the driver has probably lost his pedestrian. Any attempt at interference may result in disqualification, so please do not attempt to re-unite any aimless looking pedestrians with a vehicle.

[shoeshine]

Dear Vice Chancellor,

 

I wish to re-enrol at this highly unesteemed University for a refresher course on "Making Straight Lines in Lawns with Your Motor Mower".

 

Unfortunately I missed two lectures last year, and they were the most critical parts on the syllabus, to wit

 

1)"The art of walking in straight lines behind your mower."

 

2)"The importance of sobriety when mowing the lawn."

 

Please address your detailed Prospectus (including the Absurd Prices Options to:-

 

The Patient in Bed 14, 6th Corridor, 3rd Floor (near the Gents Toilet)

Ward 8

The Orthopaedic Ambulatory Section for Missing Toes and Wonky Lines,

Dinchester Yeoman's and Gardeners Hospital,

St. Neots

Cambs.

 

Yours faithfully etc

 

ps Please get word to Mrs. Betty Groin, Police Cell No 2, Cayman Brac that my remaining toes are thinking of her.

[deadheadfred]

Dere Sur,

 

I woold lyk to rejistare for a plase on one of your corses. I hav just got my a-levvle results, and have acheevd 29 passes at a and b grayd inclueding a’s in danse, textiles, byooty ferrapy and home brooing. This is dew to lots of hard werk and soupeerier intellijunse, and deffinetly not becorse the exams are geeting eaziur.

 

Any of yore corses will do az long az I can start in sepptembur – or ells I will hav to get a job!

 

 

Yores sinseerli,

 

Mandy Lifeboats.

[timo]

PUBLIC NOTICE

 

Central University Neepsend Tip Site is currently processing a high volume of applications from students possessing lower than average, but equally valued , A level results. Many of our courses, including the very popular B.A.[Hons] Applied Alchopop Studies, are oversubscribed. The B.A.[Hons] Canal Studies, offered by the combined Boating and Proctology Departments is no longer available, due to a spelling mistake.

 

Central University Neepsend Tip Site is a non-judgemental educational institution and particularly welcomes applicants with non-traditional qualifications, such as the Sutherland Road Swimming Baths Certificate for swimming two lengths of the pool [four lengths is required for our Masters programmes]; the Cycling Proficiency Test Certificate; and/or evidence that the applicant has some direct experience of making Plasticine worms.

 

The University is also a non-judgemental employer, and several advertised posts are available on our website, http://www.*****.ac.uk. We particularly welcome applications from criminal drunkards, as Lord Chaverly has resigned as Dean of Arse and Sciences.