timo Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Deadheadfred, The standard entrance requirements for our academic courses vary. For example, the Faculty of Arse and Sciences [the urbane Lord Chaverly is the present Dean] insist upon proof of an average of sevens out of ten in school work, a detention-free record, a pass in the 'Cycling Proficiency' test, and if possible a certificate to prove that the student can swim at least one length of an average swimming pool. On the other hand, their BSc. Hard Sums specifies that applicants should be 'educated to long division standard'. The Faculty's unpopular postgraduate course, the MSc Really Hard Sums insists upon applicants being 'able to add up without the use of fingers', and they prefer applicants 'who have experience of the previous study of multiplication'. In your case, Deadheadfred, I am sure that we can come to some sort of arrangement. Tell me, do you have an attractive sister? Is she interested in furthering her academic career too? There are lots of openings I might be able to uncover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Shoeshine, I wouldn't waste your time and effort with this weak excuse for an educational establishment. I've just had my application for enrolment on a short course in 'Bilateral spaghetti hoop construction with diagonal adjustments' rejected on the grounds that my consumption of Netto value beans doesn't meet the required standards. Pathetic. I not only consider this to be a stain upon my character, but a blatant breach of my human rights. I think i'm going to cry. Dear Failed Applicant, Thank you for the insight shared on this occasion. I too have been contemplating the veracity and purported reputation of this establishment. My wife had expressed a desire to request acceptance for tuition leading to the "Pre- Raphaelite Belly Dancing" Degree. Your timely warning has been communicated to her via semaphore and a sunlit mirror (courtesy of the Royal Navel (sp?) Contemplation College - Dirtmouth) as a matter of urgency. Yours etc etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timo Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Shoeshine, I think you are thinking of Shiregreen Higher Institute of Tertiary Education with your references to 'Pre Raphaelite Belly-Dancing'. We at Central University Neepsend Tip Site offer undergraduate and postgraduate level programmes. The qualification you refer to is available at S.H.I.T.E. in NVQ form. If it is Degree-level Dance that your dear lady requires, then please direct her to our latest prospectus. We offer a B.A.[Hons] Gavotting , an M.A. in Laotian Temple Hopping and there are plans to introduce a BSc programme in Retro-Punk Pogoing. Our motto, as you know, borrowed from Tony Blair [a great inspiration to us all], is 'Edukation, Edukation, Edukation'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadheadfred Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Deadheadfred, The standard entrance requirements for our academic courses vary. For example, the Faculty of Arse and Sciences [the urbane Lord Chaverly is the present Dean] insist upon proof of an average of sevens out of ten in school work, a detention-free record, a pass in the 'Cycling Proficiency' test, and if possible a certificate to prove that the student can swim at least one length of an average swimming pool. On the other hand, their BSc. Hard Sums specifies that applicants should be 'educated to long division standard'. The Faculty's unpopular postgraduate course, the MSc Really Hard Sums insists upon applicants being 'able to add up without the use of fingers', and they prefer applicants 'who have experience of the previous study of multiplication'. In your case, Deadheadfred, I am sure that we can come to some sort of arrangement. Tell me, do you have an attractive sister? Is she interested in furthering her academic career too? There are lots of openings I might be able to uncover. Dear Vice Chancellor, Thank you for your prompt reply. I can count up to twenty, if I remove my socks. My sister is, indeed, very attractive but, unfortunately, using the mathematical method expounded above can count up to twenty-seven. Perhaps I should set my sights a little more in line with my capabilities and genetic misfortunes, and apply to an American university (somewhere around Arkansas, for preference - I think I would feel right at home there). Regards, deadheadfred. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Shoeshine, I think you are thinking of Shiregreen Higher Institute of Tertiary Education with your references to 'Pre Raphaelite Belly-Dancing'. We at Central University Neepsend Tip Site offer undergraduate and postgraduate level programmes. The qualification you refer to is available at S.H.I.T.E. in NVQ form. If it is Degree-level Dance that your dear lady requires, then please direct her to our latest prospectus. We offer a B.A.[Hons] Gavotting , an M.A. in Laotian Temple Hopping and there are plans to introduce a BSc programme in Retro-Punk Pogoing. Our motto, as you know, borrowed from Tony Blair [a great inspiration to us all], is 'Edukation, Edukation, Edukation'. Dear Vice Chancellor Thank you for your reassuring reinforcement of my former faith in Neepsend University. The message re options of enrolment with S.H.I.T.E are being transmitted, as I write, from Dirtmouth on my behalf to my faithful nag stabler. Did you say the Neepsend establishment offers an Honours degree in "Garotting"........... Oh sorry, I misread your communication. My eyes are dirting everywhere today. Yours etc etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timo Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Deadheadfred, There are many American institutions very similar in philosophy, pedagogical and academic standard and student-base to Central University Neepsend Tip Site. Indeed, most of them are. I don't think there are any Universities in Arkansas though. Education there usually involves being hogtied and entreated to 'Squeal like a pig, boy' by toothless retards. Or so I am told. Where is that soft cushion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadheadfred Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Deadheadfred, There are many American institutions very similar in philosophy, pedagogical and academic standard and student-base to Central University Neepsend Tip Site. Indeed, most of them are. I don't think there are any Universities in Arkansas though. Education there usually involves being hogtied and entreated to 'Squeal like a pig, boy' by toothless retards. Or so I am told. Where is that soft cushion? Sir, I have just returned from whence I wented and have discovered that, whilst I have the ability to make a pig squeal, I do not possess a likewise talent in squealing like one. I regret that a midwestern seat of instruction is, therefore, not for me. I think things also took a bit of a downturn when the Dean of the relevant faculty introduced me to his wife and his sister and there was only the one woman standing there! Further, upon disclosing the content of your previous reply to him he reported me to the authorities (in this instance, I was picked up by an officer of the Council for the Rehabilitation of the Assaulted Porcus), and has assured me that his exceedingly litigious Chancellor will be communicating with you shortly. Yours, etc. etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Dear Vice Chancellor As all will be aware, the "examinations" are in full flow at the Central University Neepsend Tip Site. Everyone is looking forward to stupendous examination results (except the students of course). Further to your recent comments, the long awaited New Prospectus must be about imminent, must it not?. I am desperate to enrol for a post-graduate course on Horseshoe Clipping and Shaping, and fervently hope it will be included in September's Curriculum When will the details be announced? Yours, lacking anticipation etc etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timo Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Dear Vice Chancellor As all will be aware, the "examinations" are in full flow at the Central University Neepsend Tip Site. Everyone is looking forward to stupendous examination results (except the students of course). Further to your recent comments, the long awaited New Prospectus must be about imminent, must it not?. I am desperate to enrol for a post-graduate course on Horseshoe Clipping and Shaping, and fervently hope it will be included in September's Curriculum When will the details be announced? Yours, lacking anticipation etc etc Automatic Message Central University Neepsend Tip Site is currently processing applications for our undergraduate and post-graduate programmes of study, beginning in September. Please call 0898 7888770 110 [calls terminate in Laos, £3.50pm]. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Sod it, another call centre moved abroad. Cost me £48.22 to make that call, an' all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now