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Sheffield Forum's Christmas Carol - OK children, listen carefully!

miniminch

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miniminch

miniminch

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Hello children, I'm Glad you could join me on this eve of Christmas day. It used to be such a special time. So I’ve decided to share with you a story of Christmas wonder. Some of you may recognise a name or two. So I hope you will accept this in the spirit it was intended. I truly hope you all have a beautiful and enriching Christmas time and that you will know yourself before you hear the sleigh bells and the children singing. God bless you all Mini x

 

There once was a penny-pinching miser that lived in the city of Sheffield. A bald headed man for whom the milk of human kindness did not flow; in fact, it was still in the cow. His name was Ebenezer Roy.

 

Believe me children when I report this to you, he was not a happy man and saw danger and threat in the eyes of anyone who did not look like him. You see Ebenezer Roy did not like black people, brown people or, in fact, any one who was not of the same pasty hue as himself. He was a very white man indeed.

 

You would therefore think that when the white snow falls on to our sparkling city that he would have been in the best of Christmas moods. I am here to tell you all – he was not. In fact, the Christmas time was his worse time for Ebenezer. He hated the very red on the robin’s chest. He hated the sound of the choir from the afghan refugee centre brightly singing their Christmas songs about how Jesus must have been a brown man.

 

‘Clear off you little scrags!’ Ebenezer shouted through the letter box at the sea of little brown pear shaped eyes looking in vain hope for that Christmas spirit they had been promised on their difficult journey to this land. ‘Jesus, was white, you lying little toe rags, he was white and was educated at Harrow and had a monocle and spats!!! The children trudged away, though the snow, back to their community centre empty handed.

 

The next morning the office door swung open and there, standing before the old man was his only employee, Mini Cratchet.

 

‘Morning Mister Roy’ Mini said a little too briskly. ‘I hope I find you in a fine festive mood!!’

 

‘Why do you hope that?’ Ebenezer spat back.

 

‘Well because it’s Christmas time, a time to be merry, a time for wine and carols and a time to photocopy your arse in the office.’

 

‘You left it on the copier!’ The old man said handing him the sheet of paper, ‘I’m taking that out of your wages, paper doesn’t grow on trees you know!’

 

‘And that brings me to the other thing I wanted to have a meeting about’ mini said nervously, ‘ wages.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘I need more money’

 

‘More? You want more?’

 

‘Err sir; I think we may be straying off into the wrong Dickens novel!’

 

‘Well why do you need more money? isn’t the seventy five pounds a week enough for you?’

 

‘Mister Roy, it’s just that Tiny Timo needs a lot of looking after since he lost a leg doing that sponsored bungee jump for Oxfam. That fair trade rubber is not a patch on the other stuff!

 

‘I warned him not to care about the little coloured kids; they wouldn’t do the same for us!’

 

‘Well since the accident he’s taken up the piano and needs more looking after.’

 

‘No way, you don’t deserve it mini.’ At this point mini gave up and with a resigned shrug, he said ‘Anyway, are you still coming to our Christmas dinner?’

 

‘Why, what are we having?’

 

‘Turkey and pudding.’

 

‘Turkey!! Turkey!! That is a nation of little brown Islamic people! You will have swan and nothing else Crachet, a lovely white bird is the swan.’ Crachet let out a heavy sigh

 

‘Yes Mister Roy.’

 

That night as the moon rose over the houses of the good people of Sheffield a strange gathering of light was seen in the clouds.

Ebenezer got into bed with his long-term partner; a Polish lady from Dustandvacia. He took her in because he thought she might put some freshness back into his life. Alas, she never did, it was not to be.

 

Just before he dropped off, he noticed a small blue light swelling by the window. He shook his partner and but she was dead to the world. He sat up in horror because he could see, coming though the blue light, a figure. He even recognized the mans clothes. The figure now growing in stature stood tall and heavy at the foot of the bed.

 

‘Ebenezer Roy?’

 

‘Who are you?’ Said Roy hiding under the sheets.

 

‘My name is Marley, T020 Marley. My parents were big fans of the star war films when I was born. They thought it an unusual name but I hate it! I hate it! I was your partner for years until I was accidental killed trying to get to a BNP rally. Because of my dyslexia, I attended a Black Panthers Meeting by mistake. I did think Harlem was an unusual choice to hold our meeting at the time…’

 

‘How can this be, you are dead, I counted the holes in your head with my own eyes?’

 

‘Well the truth is, I’m a ghost.’

 

‘A what? You’ll be telling me that Santa exists next.’

 

‘He does, I had a pint with him last week – he’s very stressed.’

 

‘Why are you here?’

 

‘Well, Roy me old mate, to tell you the truth, we got it wrong.

 

‘Wrong?’

 

‘Yep, totally wrong – stupidly wrong – incredibly wrong.’

 

‘Ok, I hear what you are saying!’

 

‘Do you? The thing is it doesn’t matter where someone is from on the planet, does it? It’s a round world. So coming from Totley is the same as coming from Africa, only Africa is a bit further. It’s irrational to hate someone because of the distance they have come. Just as it is irrational to hate people because of the colour of their skin. Different environments require different equipment.’

 

‘Why are you telling me all this?’

 

‘Because I was like you, and look at me now, doomed to spend the rest of my days in an itchy Hitler outfit – it’s no joke. Anyway, you shall be visited by the spirits. Past, Present and future. It’s their job to show you things… Well I’m out of here, I’ve just bought the new Snoop Dogg CD. it rocks man – believe.’

 

‘I don’t know what is worse the fact that I’m talking to a ghost or the fact that you are speaking like a bitch.’

 

Now children, Ebenezer Roy tried to get back to sleep but his mind was racing. He thought about all the times he had not given the best man the job because he was brown or had left a restaurant because they didn’t serve English food; even though he had no idea what English food was. Turkey? Bah, Humbug. So before he could convince himself that what he had just seen was a dream there was a scratching sound at the window. He went over and drew back the curtains and what confronted him was a sight more horrible than anything he had seen before. There floating before the window was a man with a Netto bag on his head.

 

‘Well let me in you bleeder.’

 

As he opened the window, he found himself saying, ‘who are you?’

 

‘This game was a lot easier before double glazing’ said the man now inside the room. ‘Owdlad’s the name hauntins the game.’

 

‘Excuse me?’

 

‘I’m owdlad, Christmas past, come with me let me show you what things used to be like’

 

Owdlad took Old mister Roy on a journey over Africa where he was shown the plight of some of the poorest people on the earth. He saw a young boy being chased by men with Machetes.

 

‘This is terrible, can’t you stop it’ wept the old man.

 

‘’fraid not, the only thing we can do is give them hope when they arrive somewhere else. That’s what asylum should be about. Hope.’

 

‘But why is this my problem?’

 

‘Love all the people Roy, that’s the ticket.’

 

‘All of them?’

 

‘Every last one of them! Start with yourself.’

 

‘I haven’t been very good at that’

 

‘There is still time.’

 

‘Thank you, but there is one thing I want to ask you.’

 

‘Go on.’

 

‘The Netto bag – why do you wear it?’

 

‘Symbol of the poor ain’t it!’

 

Owdlad Had faded and Ebenezer had found himself back in the room alone. It wasn’t long before he felt the curtains lift and the wind rush and a vision of heavenly beauty was now descending on the room. Roy was memorized.

 

‘My name is StarSparkle, I am the present!’

 

‘You are so beautiful!’ Said the old man shading his eyes.

 

‘And so is the world if you live right.’

 

She took him to Mini’s house where he was putting Tiny Timo to bed.

 

‘Father, I do declare, when are you going to stop working for that old ingrate and sort out your own affairs?’ The young boy said earnestly.

 

‘Now, now, young Timo, Ebenezer Roy has been a good friend to us over the years.’

 

‘What!! Last time he was here, he called me stumpy, if I wasn’t a seven-year-old disabled child living in poverty I would move to litigate this very day – upon my soul I would. ‘

 

‘He may be a bit grumpy sometimes.’

 

‘Grumpy!? My dear father he has a face like Anne Widdecombe ring piece.

 

‘Now that’s enough, I’ve never heard such language. He will give me a raise one day, I know it. He’s not a bad sort. He’s coming tomorrow to share our Swan and cake!’

 

‘Swan?!!?’

 

‘Don’t ask!’

 

‘Well?’ said Starsparkle noticing the man now moved to tears.

 

‘He likes me, I don’t know why, but he likes me. I must make amends before it is too late.’

 

‘Go with your heart old man – it will lead you to good places.’ With that, she disappeared and he again was alone. He looked up at the night sky and he noticed the stars shining that little bit brighter than they had done.

 

‘Starsparkle’ the old man whispered.

 

Just then, a loud bang rang though the night and before him stood the very epitome of cider drinking, flag burning youth.

 

‘Filthfan here, you can call me filthy!

 

‘Good god who are you?’

 

‘I'm the future Granddad. So you had better get used to it. Come with me!’

With that, she took Roy in to the future. There was a street party and there laughing and smiling were faces of every colour. ‘You see within a couple of generations we all forget the initial problems we’ve had with integration, everybody gets on perfectly. Have a drink of this!

 

‘What is it?’

 

‘Malibu!’

 

‘Drink it granddad, chill, go with the flow!’

 

‘Ok, I do have a question for you. Who is the prime minister in the future?’

 

‘Dani Filth the lead singer of cradle of filth, we get a lot more tolerant in the future.’

 

With that, she vanished and Roy woke up in his Bed. He felt a new man so he got up and strode up the road towards the crochets. He passed the choir of Asians.

 

‘What beautiful music you make, youngsters! Here you go, twenty pounds to purchase some sweet’

 

‘fanks, innit!’ Said one of the youths who headed off to his dad’s newsagents.

 

Eventually he reached the door and he knocked heartily!

‘morning mister Roy!’ Said Mini.

 

‘Merry Christmas, Mini!’

 

‘I got the swan’

 

‘Swan! Oh, turkey would have been fine or Turkish delight anything foreign! And I have decided to give you a raise and buy Tiny Timo a new arm.’

 

‘Leg.’

 

‘I mean leg – where is the boy?’

 

‘He’s hiding in the fridge!’

 

‘Excellent! Christmas fun and games.’

 

‘Roy, are you all right?

 

‘Never been better – Merry Christmas everyone!’

 

And so it came to pass that Ebenezer Roy found that it wasn’t too late to change the world and that swans have many nationalities. From there on after he showered his employee with gifts and even took on a mixed race boy to do the filing. And mini knew that he would become as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew.

 

So children I hope you’ve learned that being bad to people you don’t know is silly and wrong. And if you are like this, I hope you learn before it is too late. Merry Christmas One and All!!!!!

:)

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