Advice needed on daughter's relationship with father

[Dear Forum...]

My daughter has a strained relationship with her father. He did not have any contact for 2 years when she was younger when we divorced. He does phone her and offer to take her out but at nearly 15 years old she doesnt want to continue a relationship at this stage. Her reasoning is that he often lets her down with commitments made, doesnt listen to her when they do talk and simply fires off questions, doesnt take into account her wishes in when they speak/meet and wants everything on his terms. Whilst I've tried to ensure she's kept contact going I think she's old enough now to make her own mind up.

 

I should stress that this all comes from her. We have had mediation sessions to get both him and her to see each others points of view and agree times to speak, what they want from each other but unfortunately he's not kept to the promises made.

 

She now wants to, at least temporarily stop contact and has also announced that wants to change her name to mine (rather than her dad's)

 

I'm finding it difficult to be neutral as I dont think he treats her appropriately as he has a history of picking her up and putting her down depending on the state of his love life.

 

Any views?

[curriechick]

Hi, at 15 I am sure your daughter is up to making her own mind up and at that age they are usually quite single minded. It sounds to me like you have listened to her and given her opinions the consideration they deserve.

I understand the problem as my son and his partner split when their daughter was 18 months old, luckily I have a good relationship with his ex and my beautiful grandaughter but not with my son who is now married with another child. He has never had a proper relationship with his daughter, he used to see her when she was young and stayed with me at the weekends but since she has grown up and he has moved on he dropped her like a hot brick.

She has tried several time to make contact but he has thwarted her at every move and it really hurt her,she often asked me why he didn't like her and it would break my heart. However she has now left school with good qualifications and is in training for a good job. She made her mind up not to bother with him any more about a year ago and she has been much happier and settled in her life.

What I am saying is that you daughter has given this some thought,and talked it over with you and has decided that she wants to take a break from the ups and downs he puts her through. I am assuming she will also have exams and things coming up so this break will give her one less thing to stress her out and worry her.

Get her if you can to talk to her dad as she has spoken to you, even over the phone and tell him what she has decided and why. Then let her take things as they come for a while, in a couple of years or so she may decide she wants to resume contact and she can do that even if she changes her name.

I have just read through this and it sounds a bit jumbled but I hope it makes sense to you and helps in some ways.

Good Luck to you and your daughter for the future.

[Cyclone]

At 15 years old you can't force your daughter to have contact with an absent father, it has to be her decision, and from what you've said it doesn't seem like she's behaving unreasonably with the decision she's making.

Just support her in her decision, and if she changes her mind in a few years time support her in that as well.

[Miss_S_83]

Support her decision and let her do her own thing- you have clearly tried to help things and her decision is down to him and his unreliability and the way he has treated her. She isn't quite an adult yet but is old enough to know her own mind and it seems her decision is after years of trying to have this relationship with her dad. Let her change her name- after all, why not? You have been there for her (I assume), and he has not. Let her do it

[Dear Forum...]

I just wanted to make sure I wasnt being unreasonable/unfair on her dad. Obviously I hold strong personal views but have attempted to be as neutral as possible its pretty tough!!

 

External viewpoints are really useful to hear and the responses are really validating my thoughts. Thanks

[missymoo73]

Support her decision and let her do her own thing- you have clearly tried to help things and her decision is down to him and his unreliability and the way he has treated her. She isn't quite an adult yet but is old enough to know her own mind and it seems her decision is after years of trying to have this relationship with her dad. Let her change her name- after all, why not? You have been there for her (I assume), and he has not. Let her do it

 

I agree with the above 100%

[justafriend]

Let her make her own mind up, she is old enough to know if a person makes her feel bad. leave her to be happy. as long as she knows where he is if she changes her mind, just be supportive i guess. x

[medusa]

Your responsibility is to your daughter rather than her father. If your daughter's happiness would be impinged upon by forcing her to continue having to have contact with her father when she has so clearly stated that this is not what she wants to do then I think that you would be acting completely appropriately to put her happiness and right to make her own decisions above his wishes, especially if he's broken promises to her in terms of contact and being there for her.

 

She's plenty old enough to make her own decisions and if she's able to communicate those decisions to you in a calm and adult manner with reasoning then as a mother I think it would be really hard to justify trampling on her feelings.

 

If, on the other hand, it's clear to you as her mother that this is an emotional knee jerk reaction from her then I can understand why you may push her to continue contact with him until she's at least a bit calmer and can discuss the whole situation in a way that shows you that she understands the implications of the decision she is taking.