Plain Talker Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 50 SHADES OF CHAV' Chapter 1..... 50 shades of Chav."As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. and then he said those magic words, which made me swoon into his arms.... "White lightning!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffragette1 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 and then he said those magic words, which made me swoon into his arms.... "White lightning!" I trembled anew as my body was seized with the most uncotrollable desire, Holy Greggs, ''ere Tarquin, are yer trolleys on't right way round? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plain Talker Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 I trembled anew as my body was seized with the most uncotrollable desire, Holy Greggs, ''ere Tarquin, are yer trolleys on't right way round? *snort* Suffragette, you do know that making someone burst out laughing whilst taking a swig of tea is not keyboard-friendly, don't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taxman Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 50 shades of Whey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amaranthus Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I trembled anew as my body was seized with the most uncotrollable desire, Holy Greggs, ''ere Tarquin, are yer trolleys on't right way round? Dwayne strutted over to me, his gelled up auburn hair complimented by his backwards cap, his Kappa tracksuit hanging from his hips. "Oh my!" I swooned, biting my cold sore and tugging seductively on the oversized gold clown hanging from my neck. He slapped me in the face and called me a daft slag. I've never been so turned on in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
schong2111 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I foolishlessly read it, after all the hype. Only mine cost about £3 in Tesco's. Absolute dross, agree with the OP, overhyped badly written nonsense, totally repetitive, grating dialogue (I mean why does every single one of her thoughts have to be prefaced with 'Holy . . .'?). I found it totally cliched, not remotely erotic, one dimensional characters - I mean who in this day and age is still a virgin at 21 and a beautiful one at that (apparently)? It's Mills and Boon with whips; totally vanilla and pedestrian. Yawn. I will not be reading the sequels. Damn it Suffragette you always steal my thoughts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffragette1 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Dwayne strutted over to me, his gelled up auburn hair complimented by his backwards cap, his Kappa tracksuit hanging from his hips. "Oh my!" I swooned, biting my cold sore and tugging seductively on the oversized gold clown hanging from my neck. He slapped me in the face and called me a daft slag. I've never been so turned on in my life. My inner gooddess did triple sommersaults, Holy Cow, he called me a daft slag! His Argos sovereign ring caught my cold sore head causing a gush of blood to drip down my chin, thus reminding me of Bella, the character on which I am loosely based. As Dwayne groaned 'aye up baby, thee's looking reet rough there', a low guttural moan escaped my throat . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amaranthus Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 My inner gooddess did triple sommersaults, Holy Cow, he called me a daft slag! His Argos sovereign ring caught my cold sore head causing a gush of blood to drip down my chin, thus reminding me of Bella, the character on which I am loosely based. As Dwayne groaned 'aye up baby, thee's looking reet rough there', a low guttural moan escaped my throat . . . I explained to my darling Dwayne that the reason I looked rough is because I'd had a pregnancy scare. His eyes bulged from his head and his tracksuit clung to his bony hips. So sexy. I reassured him the test came back negative and he visibly relaxed. He even broke out the posh cider to celebrate, the one made with pears. Holy crap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffragette1 Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 I explained to my darling Dwayne that the reason I looked rough is because I'd had a pregnancy scare. His eyes bulged from his head and his tracksuit clung to his bony hips. So sexy. I reassured him the test came back negative and he visibly relaxed. He even broke out the posh cider to celebrate, the one made with pears. Holy crap! However, I felt compelled to explain that another test revealed that I had chlamydia. Holy Clap, that didn't go down too well nor did he after I broke the news. He swaggered towards me with his slim hips attracting my penetrating gaze, I winced with terror at the thought of the punishment that I was about to receive. Please do not take me back to the red room of pain, I implored. I looked at him beseechingly as his mood darkened. He stormed off to play guitar hero, the bass sounds of Beast and the Harlot hit me as almost as forcefully as he had with the fly swat; the atmosphere was dense with the odour of chip fat. Holy smoke, my inner goddess reflected on his choice of track which struck me as somewhat fitting, I then sobbed with uncontrollable desire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melthebell Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 saw a bit in the paper today about a possible upsurge in births due to these books, as women read them get horny and sex ensues obviously. wonder if therell be people suing the author / publishers for unwanted babies in the future? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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