shane39 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 LETTER FROM KINGSMILL FARMERIES: Dear sirs, It has come to my attention that certain people on this forum are casting nasturtiums on our top quality products. As General manager, I can assure you that all our loaves are produced from the finest free-range bread slices. The bread slices are reared individually to the highest standards and fed on only the finest grains known to man and god. As well as being free to roam, their barns are equipped with showering facilities and Wi-fi connection. All the bread slices enjoy free vetinary and dental care. Upon departure from our farm, the bread slices are asked (politely) to queue up in rows of twenty (tallest to the middle), before being lovingly wrapped in the finest polypropylene bandaging. This bandaging is of course perforated to prevent the little slices developing asphyxiation type symptoms, and of course, overheating. Some say this is to stop the slices escaping, obviously a total fib, orchestrated by farmer Ownbrand (down the road) in a poorly conceived attempt to export his white (never been allowed to see the light of day!) battery reared, caged slices. Due to the high quality of rearing and vetting to our bread slices, it's completely unnecessary for extra health checks at point-of-sale holiday destination outlets. 'Fingering' is a banned word around these parts, and as a responsible bread slice rearer, I'm attempting to force a motion through Parliament (after the Olympics), banning squeezing, prodding and poking of all bread produce from our farmery. Thank you, David Brownslice (Kingsmill Farmeries) Will the 'motion' you are attempting to 'force out' in Parliament be a big brown one,or an 80s type white one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Will the 'motion' you are attempting to 'force out' in Parliament be a big brown one,or an 80s type white one? LETTER FROM KINGSMILL FARMERIES ; To Mr Thirtynine. 17.7.2012 Dear Mr Thirtynine, Are you by any chance using double entendres? This is a very serious business! If you are confused by Parliamentary motions, there's a Government white paper for clearing this matter up. Yours, David Brownslice (Kingsmill Farmeries) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 LETTER FROM KINGSMILL FARMERIES: Dear sirs, It has come to my attention that certain people on this forum are casting nasturtiums on our top quality products. As General manager, I can assure you that all our loaves are produced from the finest free-range bread slices. The bread slices are reared individually to the highest standards and fed on only the finest grains known to man and god. As well as being free to roam, their barns are equipped with showering facilities and Wi-fi connection. All the bread slices enjoy free vetinary and dental care. Upon departure from our farm, the bread slices are asked (politely) to queue up in rows of twenty (tallest to the middle), before being lovingly wrapped in the finest polypropylene bandaging. This bandaging is of course perforated to prevent the little slices developing asphyxiation type symptoms, and of course, overheating. Some say this is to stop the slices escaping, obviously a total fib, orchestrated by farmer Ownbrand (down the road) in a poorly conceived attempt to export his white (never been allowed to see the light of day!) battery reared, caged slices. Due to the high quality of rearing and vetting to our bread slices, it's completely unnecessary for extra health checks at point-of-sale holiday destination outlets. 'Fingering' is a banned word around these parts, and as a responsible bread slice rearer, I'm attempting to force a motion through Parliament (after the Olympics), banning squeezing, prodding and poking of all bread produce from our farmery. Thank you, David Brownslice (Kingsmill Farmeries) Dear Kingsmill Farmeries, As a frequent visitor to your 'outlets'. I has been noticed that there is a significant amount of 'fingering' takes place in said outlets. We are not sure if this is some kind of deviant behaviour or merely testing of the goods at hand. Either way, it is detremental to the product in question. Indeed, I was in one in the said outlets this evening, and couldn't help myself from having a good 'finger'. Far from being satisfactory, or even pleasant, I plumped for the softest 'crust' I could find. (on instruction from (she) he who shall be obeyed). It transpired that 'the old hag' had beaten me to it, and there was a deep penetrative hole, right in the top of the loaf! The cashier offered to change the loaf, which I accepted gratefully. However, on replacement, it seems 'that' loaf had been tampered with too! (is there nothing sacred?) The plain fact is, that whatever quality control scheme 'farmers' come up with...It will still be 'fingered' by the old hag, and probably others too. I await your solution to this problem! Meanwhile, I await my response from Adsa to my offer of being a 'professional' fingerer of said product. Merely to save global damnation and world accompolipse (did I spell that right?....NO). Yours truly Pete Morris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shane39 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 LETTER FROM KINGSMILL FARMERIES ; To Mr Thirtynine. 17.7.2012 Dear Mr Thirtynine, Are you by any chance using double entendres? This is a very serious business! If you are confused by Parliamentary motions, there's a Government white paper for clearing this matter up. Yours, David Brownslice (Kingsmill Farmeries) Hahaha! Cracker! Am off to think of summat up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANGELFIRE1 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 The truth about bread. "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know." Thanks to Mr Donald Rumsfeld for the above explanation of our bread. Angel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hahaha! Cracker! Am off to think of summat up. never mind thinking summat up. This is a serious issue! It's nothing short of world damnation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hahaha! Cracker! Am off to think of summat up. I'm afraid you won't be able to talk to farmer Brownslice again tonight ... it's 8.30pm and he's gone off to milk his baps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 The truth about bread. "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know." Thanks to Mr Donald Rumsfeld for the above explanation of our bread. Angel. So what is the truth angel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 I'm afraid you won't be able to talk to farmer Brownslice again tonight ... it's 8.30pm and he's gone off to milk his baps. Bugger! Beurocracy at it's height!...damn this govenment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 Back on topic. If the major bread producers can package bread in the sort of packaging that will preserve bread for a while. Why can't the supermarkets? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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