PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 I'm afraid you won't be able to talk to farmer Brownslice again tonight ... it's 8.30pm and he's gone off to milk his baps. Ha!..More likely into his lab to produce a 'prod proof' loaf! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shane39 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I'm afraid you won't be able to talk to farmer Brownslice again tonight ... it's 8.30pm and he's gone off to milk his baps. That's ok! I'm just off to have fun with farmer gileses 5 lovely daughters.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 That's ok! I'm just off to have fun with farmer gileses 5 lovely daughters.. Oh dear! Not lessons in 'fingering loaves' I trust? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shane39 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Oh dear! Not lessons in 'fingering loaves' I trust? No. This is all about hotdogs in finger rolls... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthernStar Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Ha!..More likely into his lab to produce a 'prod proof' loaf! I do hope he'll be doing some R&D towards the highlighted health and safety issue caused by those naughty bakers leaving their ends exposed, I am most concerned about them being molested by dirty old women. I was was thinking perhaps a protective sock might be a solution, and to solve the need to keep the crusts crisp a nipple or teat could be incorporated on the end to house a small pack of silica gel to capture any residual moister. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 I do hope he'll be doing some R&D towards the highlighted health and safety issue caused by those naughty bakers leaving their ends exposed, I am most concerned about them being molested by dirty old women. I was was thinking perhaps a protective sock might be a solution, and to solve the need to keep the crusts crisp a nipple or teat could be incorporated on the end to house a small pack of silica gel to capture any residual moister. Just a thought. Silica gel....Obvious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris_Sleeps Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Dear Mr Walmart, Thank you for your prompt resonse to my application. However, I would strongly advise you to rethink your strategy in employing the 'old hag with questionable personal hygeine'. Dear Mr Morris, We thank you for arguing your case so well, but you fail to understand our business model. Our fresh bread is made to entice people in with it's wonderful smell, and is certainly not made to be eaten. Our old hag of questionable personal hygiene is employed to put people off, so we can microwave the bread again for a few days and everyone can enjoy the smell again. We have taken a cost benefit analysis of the smell of the old hag compared to the smell of fresh bread, and only by not selling fresh bread can we benefit from her scent. Should we ever consider the option of making our own bread that is intended to be eaten, then we shall consider your application further. Yours with thanks, Mssrs A. Slice and T. Oast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Dear Mr Morris, We thank you for arguing your case so well, but you fail to understand our business model. Our fresh bread is made to entice people in with it's wonderful smell, and is certainly not made to be eaten. Our old hag of questionable personal hygiene is employed to put people off, so we can microwave the bread again for a few days and everyone can enjoy the smell again. We have taken a cost benefit analysis of the smell of the old hag compared to the smell of fresh bread, and only by not selling fresh bread can we benefit from her scent. Should we ever consider the option of making our own bread that is intended to be eaten, then we shall consider your application further. Yours with thanks, Mssrs A. Slice and T. Oast. Dear Mssrs Slice & Oast, It is with great dismay I received your letter of today. I have to say, I am disappointed with your response to my application. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel (so to speak). I have approached one of your rival establishments, with a view to employment, with favourable results. Indeed after realising the business 'model' you have detailed above, It dawned on me that I needed to change 'tack' somewhat! To this end, I have secured employment with your rivals in the capacity of 'old hag'. Ah, you may be thinking. How on earth would a gentleman like me secure this position? Well, to be honest it wasn't easy. Firstly I have ceased washing or bathing, to enable the aroma of sweat and other bodily functions to pervade my immediate whereabouts. Then there was the tricky situation in regard to gender! That took some ingenuity and guile. I visited the clothes bank which is actually quite near to your establishment and managed to reach inside enough to secure a scruffy and dirty dress, a vomit stained blouse and a cardighan, all vauguely around my size. Underwear, was the trickiest issue. The ones I found were particularly badly stained, but I figured this would only add to the required aroma neccessary for the job in question. Then of course, the obligatory wig. I found that in a neighbours wheelie bin (I think a transvestite lives there!). The whole ensemble went together very well, except the underwear which chaffes awfully. I'm not keen on the bra either, it pinches the hairs on my chest. So there we have it, apart from one important ingredient. Disgustingly bad and dirty fingernails (to enable 'fingering' of the designated products). This was achieved by simply playing mud pies in the garden. The complete ensemble really looks the part. I spent my first day at the store, wandering around aimlessly, fingering this and that, and paying special attention to the open crusty loaves and the fresh cream cakes. It seems this 'does' actually work like a charm. I didn't see a single person purchase anything that I had fingered. Also, I have an idea! What about a job share scheme? Maybe you could dispense of your 'old hag'. Employ me, in the same capacity, and then I can visit both establishments! I think I may even start an agency, so I can cover every supermarket! You can't blame me for having the entrepreneurial spirit! Kind regards Pete Morris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris_Sleeps Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Dear Mssrs Slice & Oast, It is with great dismay I received your letter of today. I visited the clothes bank which is actually quite near to your establishment and managed to reach inside enough to secure a scruffy and dirty dress, a vomit stained blouse and a cardighan, all vauguely around my size. Underwear, was the trickiest issue. The ones I found were particularly badly stained, but I figured this would only add to the required aroma neccessary for the job in question. Then of course, the obligatory wig. I found that in a neighbours wheelie bin (I think a transvestite lives there!). The whole ensemble went together very well, except the underwear which chaffes awfully. I'm not keen on the bra either, it pinches the hairs on my chest. Dear Mr Morris, We at Asda (aka Big Daddy Walmart) are saddened to hear that you didn't want to purchase your scruffy dirty dress, vomit stained blouse and cardigan, badly stained underwear and obligatory bin-wig from George at Asda. We offer the best soiled garments on sale for very low prices. Please bear us in mind for all future purchases of soiled and stained goods. As a thank you, please find a voucher for 10% off any of our freshly baked goods. Yours with thanks, Mr C. Reamcake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeteMorris Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Dear Mr Morris, We at Asda (aka Big Daddy Walmart) are saddened to hear that you didn't want to purchase your scruffy dirty dress, vomit stained blouse and cardigan, badly stained underwear and obligatory bin-wig from George at Asda. We offer the best soiled garments on sale for very low prices. Please bear us in mind for all future purchases of soiled and stained goods. As a thank you, please find a voucher for 10% off any of our freshly baked goods. Yours with thanks, Mr C. Reamcake Dear Mr Reamcake, I was actually aware of your range of soiled clothing in your 'George' department, but on balance felt it was a little 'extreme' for my requirements. So I opted for the lucky dip clothing bank. Indeed some of your garments I pulled from there were rejected on the grounds of not actually being believable for the guise I was trying to assemble. I also thank you for the voucher. I'm not at all sure when it might benefit me, but it was a lovely thought. Thank you. Did you consider my idea in regard to jobshare? Very kind regards Peter Morris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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