chardonnay Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 The situation is this My partner and I love each other very much He moved in with me 18 months ago, before that I had been on my own for quite a while and basically got used to living on my own I have always liked my own space and and recently have been feeling a bit suffocated, it is only a small flat I have my own way of doing things and maybe I am a little bit OCD on how I live my life This has recently started becoming a problem and putting a strain on our relationship It is such a shame because we love each other in every other way I have suggested he get a place of his own but still have a relationship He thinks this will end our relationship, I dont think it will Am I being extremley selfish by wanting my cake and eat it so to speak, He did say that he feels like a lodger which makes me think we would both be better with our own place does anyone else have a succesful 'live apart relationship' other peoples thoughts would be appreciated thanks ps we are both mature adults with no dependant children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyclone Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I think it can work for some people, but it's probably harder and less common than living together. An alternative to consider, if the flat is small and he feels like a lodger, might be getting a larger place between you... You'll have equal buy in, and more individual space that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil-minx92 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Live separate for a bit, with a plan of getting your own place together in the future so nobody feels like a lodger, but agree a period (6 months??) where you wont start to plan anything so there's no pressure. You cant live separately forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chardonnay Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 cyclone......we have thought about it and it is deffinately an option for the future lil-minx.....yes I think this is the best option at the moment and will give it a go I think thanks for you comments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GymLover2011 Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Very sensible advice. It's hard to start sharing your place with someone when you've lived alone for a long period. Some times better to have a fresh start with a new place. You could rent out your place for a while and rent somewhere bigger for 6 months to see how it feels. It might or might not be the small apartment. All depends if you want someone always there with you or just a few times a week really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geared Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Beginning of the end IMO. If you move in together and can't stand living with the other person it's not a good sign. Either get a bigger place or chill out more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chardonnay Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 Beginning of the end IMO. If you move in together and can't stand living with the other person it's not a good sign. Either get a bigger place or chill out more. I think this is what my partner thinks so we wont know till we try it will we thanks for your op Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alternageek Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I think it an work. Look and Helen Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. They live next door to one another. I have friends who live in different countries to one another, due to work, and only see each other every few months and they still make it work year after year... Again, having a plan in place (like looking to rent a bigger place together in the next 6 months, etc) will be good as you both will be working towards a common goal. I'd say if looking to get back together, look for a place with two bedrooms, so when you do need "you" time you have a safe place to go to when need be Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janus Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 I see your personal way of doing things as an ideal situation-perfect (that is, being in a meaningful relationship but living apart). I am biased because what you describe matches my own ideals. If “a partner” felt as you do I think it is a wonderful idea. But, the partner must feel as you do, otherwise there is an element of incompatibility. Whatever you both decide on, it may be that one of you is always going to be dissatisfied. If your partner is a little insecure, I would imagine that living apart from you will exacerbate the situation for him. There are compromises to help. You could spend the weekdays at his place & the weekends at your place for example. In my experience, living apart keeps it alive. How many people living together-married or otherwise are in stale lifeless relationship. Living apart while being in a relationship is not as rare as you may think. You already have the most important ingredient for a happy relationship-how you feel towards each other. I wish you well. Do let us know how things go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewheeldave Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 Beginning of the end IMO. If you move in together and can't stand living with the other person it's not a good sign. Either get a bigger place or chill out more. The OP said- I have always liked my own space and.... People who 'like their own space' can maintain living apart relationships quite well, often doing better than if they succumbed to pressure from others and move in with someone. We live in a society where those who 'like their own space' tend to be seen as 'not normal'- in reality, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with wanting to spend lots of time on your own, in your own space. The only problem may be whether the other person can handle it, and the fact that they're issuing threats that the relationship will end if they can't live there, is not a good sign. Still, if the OP succumbs to that pressure, and has a live in relationship when, in their heart, they don't want one, then ultimately, it will probably end up not working out anyway. That would free them up to meet someone more suitable, perhaps someone who also 'likes their own space'. Another option is some form of relationship counseling, so the issue can be discussed in the presence of an objective 3rd party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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