My first tattoo at 42!

[DerbyTup]

I know what you're thinking...why would anyone of my age suddenly decide to have a tattoo when they've gone all these years without one?

 

Well, I've never liked tattoo's to be honest. As a kid I associated them with ex-Navy blokes, or thuggish riff-raff who had them to make themselves look hard. Little rubbishy sketchings on their arms and knuckles - unimaginative things like "mam" and "dad" or "love" and "hate". Maybe a badly drawn cross or a serpent or an anchor.

 

In recent years I've noticed a lot of girls having them. Usually some kind of geometric pattern that sits just above the buttocks, so that it gets exposed when they bend over. They look a bit like a print from an Axminster carpet, to me and (please don't tell them but) they just mark them out as being a bit...well...common really. Even worse though, I was in Bolsover one night and a local girl, with the appearance of Sharon or Tracey out of Viz, had one on the back of her neck - it read simply..."Made in Bolso". Gorgeous eh?

 

So, given my dislike of tattoo's you might be wondering even more now why I've decided to have one?

 

Well, I like to dress sportingly. People have complimented me and said that I look like Alan Partridge. (I don't know who Alan Partridge is exactly but I imagine he's some famous, handsome, actor). I have a fondness for wearing open necked Bri-Nylon shirts with a silk cravat. That's my look. But, I do find that the silk cravats can be a devil to keep clean. You only need to spill a bit of ketchup on them, or touch them with greasy fingers after eating fish n chips and they are difficult to get the stains out.

 

So, I've had this idea to have a tattoo of a silk cravat around my neck. This way, whenever I want to wear my Bri-Nylon shirts open the cravat will already be there - tattooed to my skin. I've gone for a lovely red and gold paisley design and the guy has made it look just like I'm wearing a cravat. It's quite brilliant! But the best bit is around the back, where, at my request, he's tattooed a little washing label as well which shows a picture of an iron, with one dot in it, and the words

 

"Use no bleach"

"Cool iron"

"Dry flat"

 

Dead pleased with it I am. And I can't wait to get out on the town tonight and start pulling!

[Alcoblog]

Such a shame Mr. Tup ...

 

If only you'd been able to wait another few weeks, you'd have had the chance to try one of my revolutionary new types of tattoo.

 

Working in conjunction with a tribe of forest dwellers in Botswana and MIT in Cambridge Massachusetts, I've come up with the world's first 'real time' holographic tattoos.

 

By genetically altering the make up of henna, I've devised a way to indelibly print virtually any design you like onto the skin. To most viewers of aforementioned technique, this would only be seen as a sort of messy 'splodge' of random colours (a bit similar to the result of tissue scarring after a nasty accident).

However (this is the clever bit), if the viewer were then to put on my specially crafted holographic 'headset goggles' (similar in appearance to a diving helmet), and plug them into 3-phase electricity, a truly astounding metamorphosis occurs ... the tattooee would magically appear to have the word 'HATE', not on their forehead, but 'floating' three feet in front of it!

 

I'm currently in negotiation with top, forward thinking retailers such as Curry's and Matalan in regards to stocking these helmets (at the reasonable price of £350.00 each), and obviously Duracell in an effort to create a 3-phase lithium-ion 415v battery, thus allowing the viewer to see other peoples tattoos whilst on the move.

 

Of course, other designs are possible, not just 'HATE' ... a banana looks pretty impressive (though I say so myself), and a 3D scarf, if that be your penchant, could easily be accommodated.

 

As a side note ... I'm also working on 'singing tattoos' using top bands for inspiration. Jedward and Justin Bieber have already pre-recorded several tunes, here at 'Area 51 and a half' sound studios and are being mixed with henna as I write.

The ultimate, being a singing banana three foot in front of your forehead.

[metalman]

Must admit I belong to an era where women with tattoos lived in the

.

[Mr Bloke]

Must admit I belong to an era where women with tattoos lived in the

.

... or

?

[francypants]

Sorry but tattoos on men or women.............. YUCK.

[Mr Bloke]

Sorry but tattoos on men or women.............. YUCK.

... and on muppets?

[cressida]

a silk cravat tattoo - what are you hoping to pull? I think you're narrowing the field with that one:hihi:

[DerbyTup]

Such a shame Mr. Tup ...

 

If only you'd been able to wait another few weeks, you'd have had the chance to try one of my revolutionary new types of tattoo.

 

Working in conjunction with a tribe of forest dwellers in Botswana and MIT in Cambridge Massachusetts, I've come up with the world's first 'real time' holographic tattoos.

 

By genetically altering the make up of henna, I've devised a way to indelibly print virtually any design you like onto the skin. To most viewers of aforementioned technique, this would only be seen as a sort of messy 'splodge' of random colours (a bit similar to the result of tissue scarring after a nasty accident).

However (this is the clever bit), if the viewer were then to put on my specially crafted holographic 'headset goggles' (similar in appearance to a diving helmet), and plug them into 3-phase electricity, a truly astounding metamorphosis occurs ... the tattooee would magically appear to have the word 'HATE', not on their forehead, but 'floating' three feet in front of it!

 

I'm currently in negotiation with top, forward thinking retailers such as Curry's and Matalan in regards to stocking these helmets (at the reasonable price of £350.00 each), and obviously Duracell in an effort to create a 3-phase lithium-ion 415v battery, thus allowing the viewer to see other peoples tattoos whilst on the move.

 

Of course, other designs are possible, not just 'HATE' ... a banana looks pretty impressive (though I say so myself), and a 3D scarf, if that be your penchant, could easily be accommodated.

 

As a side note ... I'm also working on 'singing tattoos' using top bands for inspiration. Jedward and Justin Bieber have already pre-recorded several tunes, here at 'Area 51 and a half' sound studios and are being mixed with henna as I write.

The ultimate, being a singing banana three foot in front of your forehead.

 

I like the sound of this. I wish I'd have waited now. Is it possible to make the singing banana appear 3 feet below my forehead perhaps?

 

---------- Post added 04-04-2013 at 13:25 ----------

 

a silk cravat tattoo - what are you hoping to pull? I think you're narrowing the field with that one:hihi:

 

don't you like the 'Simon Templar' meets 'Alan Partridge' look Cressida? A mixture of suave and sporty (with white socks and brown moccasins)?

[bassy]

a silk cravat tattoo - what are you hoping to pull? I think you're narrowing the field with that one:hihi:

 

he might pull a bird with a david niven fetish :D:hihi:

[DerbyTup]

he might pull a bird with a david niven fetish :D:hihi:

 

Really? ooh wow! I'd not thought of that. Do you think I should grow a little David Niven moustache then Bassy - just to complete the look?

 

I've never been very fond of facial hair (especially on women) but maybe I should re-think this. I might actually go for one of those handlebar moustaches and wax-it. (well, when I say "wax" I'd probably use my Brylcreem or a bit of lard).

 

I wonder how long it would take me to grow one? I'm not particularly hairy y'see, not what you would call "swarthy". I'm more smooth, like a sand-lizard or salamander. I tried to grow one for that 'Movember' charity thing but I got to the 29th of November and was fed up with folks calling me 'bumfluff'. So I shaved it off.

 

On that topic actually, I've often thought that it's a bit sexist anyhow having a 'Movember' which excludes women. I might start one called 'Mingember' so the ladies don't feel left out.