boyfriday Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Whilst snoring softly last night, I dreamt I was at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant sampling his unique and tasty morsels. One particular treat was so fresh it was almost alive...but wait, it WAS alive!! I was startled from my slumber by the scramblings of Satan the Spider attempting to rehome in my oral cavity. Satan is the mutha of all arachnids, he has a cavalier attitude to procreation and seems to sire numerous offspring which then torture the life out of me. He's already appeared on Jeremy Kyle and his feckless progeny issued with ASBOs but little challenges their behaviour. Now for those of you who don't know, I f****** hate spiders, in fact I'm so scared of them I can't even vacuum their dessicated carcasses from my carpet after an evening of indiscriminate insecticide spraying. Whilst god may well have invented all creatures great and small, there are none that he can claim paternity for that possess more than 4 legs, in fact the more legs the less godly they are..I guess that places the hitherto humble amoeba now at the top of the food chain..hmm. Don't bother chiding me with "oh, he's harmless"-this is the Devil's spawn and this bed ain't big enough for the both of us!! So my friends, gather round as I introduce you to the Electrifed Duvet Cover (patent pending). It came to me in a hair raising flash having wet the bed with the electric blanket on...expose the wires and put the blanket over the top of the duvet-eureka, spider deterrent!! I shall sleep soundly tonight confident in the knowledge that if Satan tries to squat in my mouth again (ooo-er missus) he'll be incinerated long before he gets there. It also has the added benefit of acting as aversion therapy for overactive drooling. Sweet dreams Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthernStar Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Whilst snoring softly last night, I dreamt I was at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant sampling his unique and tasty morsels. One particular treat was so fresh it was almost alive...but wait, it WAS alive!! I was startled from my slumber by the scramblings of Satan the Spider attempting to rehome in my oral cavity. Satan is the mutha of all arachnids, he has a cavalier attitude to procreation and seems to sire numerous offspring which then torture the life out of me. He's already appeared on Jeremy Kyle and his feckless progeny issued with ASBOs but little challenges their behaviour. Now for those of you who don't know, I f****** hate spiders, in fact I'm so scared of them I can't even vacuum their dessicated carcasses from my carpet after an evening of indiscriminate insecticide spraying. Whilst god may well have invented all creatures great and small, there are none that he can claim paternity for that possess more than 4 legs, in fact the more legs the less godly they are..I guess that places the hitherto humble amoeba now at the top of the food chain..hmm. Don't bother chiding me with "oh, he's harmless"-this is the Devil's spawn and this bed ain't big enough for the both of us!! So my friends, gather round as I introduce you to the Electrifed Duvet Cover (patent pending). It came to me in a hair raising flash having wet the bed with the electric blanket on...expose the wires and put the blanket over the top of the duvet-eureka, spider deterrent!! I shall sleep soundly tonight confident in the knowledge that if Satan tries to squat in my mouth again (ooo-er missus) he'll be incinerated long before he gets there. It also has the added benefit of acting as aversion therapy for overactive drooling. Sweet dreams Your phobia is pretty extreme, have you tried hypnotherapy - spiders don't deserve such abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeMaquis Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 You're not alone, BF. A couple of years ago I was walking up Sharrow Vale Road not long before midnight after a night in the Lescar. Suddenly a woman student came screaming out of a house and asked me to help her. She said there was a spider in her house. I think the alcohol had dulled my senses and so I didn't tell her not to be such a silly bitch. I followed her into the house and just inside the door there was a spider, no more than half an inch across, motionless on a door frame. Two other petrified-looking female students stood shaking in fear. I punched it once. It fell to the floor. I picked it up and took it outside with me, bidding them farewell. They were so scared of spiders they invited a complete stranger into their house at midnight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
taxman Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 What a big wuss...man up you screaming nonce! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deaf andy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 the electrified blanket won't stop them climbing down the headboard or abseiling from the ceiling and into your open mouth, reflex chew and swallow, yum yum. sweet dreams Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xdbx Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 ^^^^^what he said, well known fact Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyfriday Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Your phobia is pretty extreme, have you tried hypnotherapy - spiders don't deserve such abuse. I have NS, but the therapist said I wasn't emotionally ready for treatment ---------- Post added 14-06-2013 at 20:21 ---------- They were so scared of spiders they invited a complete stranger into their house at midnight. LeMaquis I'm so scared of spiders I'd invite Glamrocker into my house to deal with one! Ps...you were very brave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mort Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 It came to me in a hair raising flash having wet the bed with the electric blanket on.. Sweet dreams Are you absolutely sure about this bit? Only..... well... folically challenged ahem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boyfriday Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 What a big wuss...man up you screaming nonce! ---------- Post added 14-06-2013 at 20:25 ---------- the electrified blanket won't stop them climbing down the headboard or abseiling from the ceiling and into your open mouth, reflex chew and swallow, yum yum. sweet dreams ^^^^^what he said, well known fact ......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 the electrified blanket won't stop them climbing down the headboard or abseiling from the ceiling and into your open mouth, reflex chew and swallow, yum yum. sweet dreams Yup. And remember that the common house spider can leap huge distances relative to its body size; a quick flex of its eight springy legs and it can aim for any handy orifice within a five to six foot range with startling precision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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