paulabear Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Hi, I too had a similar up bringing to you. Not very good parents(which I won't go into) all types of abuse (which I wont go into). I have siblings what have gone through same and we all have kids and we all bring our kids up differently. There is no right way to do this we all learn at it and I am still learning my children are 23 and 19. The first thing that I would advise you is try and put your kids to one side I know this will be hard but they are being taken care off at moment. You need to think off yourself put your well being first cos If you don't, no one else will, if your not right who's there for your kids anyway. You wont be able to move forward. You need to look at your life in a different prospective look at the abuse as a learning curve, learn things from it. Like just for example secrets in our family we don't have them everyone is up front. we call birthdays and xmas surprises etc and this might sound pathetic to some people but with abuse secrets creates power over someone. I learnt that the only person I depend on is myself and if people need me to support them I do that 100% I give everything cos I know the feeling off being let down. You cant change your past but you can influence your future. my mom let me down, I became a good one to mine. I make mistakes but everyone does, I don't blame myself if I get it wrong. I will not let my past keep me in my past, I am not a victim I was a victim but I'm not anymore! I am a survivor and a fighter and so are you. You may not feel it but you already took the steps by posting. Counselling is good, it might seem it doesn't work, but you do take things in and work things out. A bit of advice don't do anything else the day you have counselling. take time out for yourself. When I had counselling years ago I was to upset to function that day, so I had a cry had a bath did things I wanted to do. My kids were younger then and I remembered that day we had takeaway for tea and kids loved it. we had a film night this worked for me, it might not for you but try different things. I hope this as helped in some way. The advice other posts have posted as been good take bits and use them your way and remember you are entitled to a life. You deserve to be happy You control that not people from your past! Go to your doctors ask for therapy like you stated, they might have one at your doctors which should be quicker but if not the doctor should have a list of counselling centres, it can take time but it will be worth it and also ask your doctor for a referral to social services or mental health team for yourself, don't be frightened of that the more you talk the easier it will become. good luck!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyblueeyes Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 hi paulabear thank you for your response it it nice to hear from ppl who have had the same experince like me it is not nice, like yours my mother wasnt a good parent i cant blame my dad because i do feel my mum was controlling him in a way, my children are 8,7,5,4 and i do miss them all so much sometimes i wish i hadnt met my ex and kept my legs closed but then i wasnt taught about the birds and the bees. yes they are being taken care of by my ex parents who has our youngest 2 my eldest 2 in care and it upset me more coz my son who was in sheffield they moved him to blackpool whick feels me with hurt and anger, i do need to take care of myself but its hard when i have bad negative thoughts in my head which is controlling my brain e.g getting kids back what if they wont be returned to me or what if my ex funds someone and he and she play happy families with my youngest and im left alone i cant and wont let that happen it provokes my envy coz they are mine and his kids no one elses and she will have no right to be part of their lifes, further more what if i dont find anyone else what if i cant find my happiness??? i ve had to carry these secrets for long time and still carrying it now where some ppl who involved with me etc doesnt know the full story, i want to have a future what i d love so much is the happy family unit that i never got as a child e.g me my kids and thier father, my mum did let me down to the point where i dont know who i am anymore or what im doing. yes i too made mistakes like you said everyone make mistakes i own up to my faults with regards to what happened with my kids and ex but not my fault for the way i am or who i turned out to be coz i know most ppl think im a control freak etc but deep inside im not. i think thats whats been problem all along not sorting my problems in my past which should of got sorted years and years ago. i was seeing a councilor but that councilor she provoked my anger by asking me stuff about my past, the abuse etc i was getting angry at her so i left but now im going back to councilling at moment all we re talking about is my feelings, my emotions etc but i shoulf be refered for therapy soon. i am glad i posted on here it has given me good advice and feedbacks i am trying everything to take away the pain or at least not think about stuff but it doesnt work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabelle Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I feel the main focus for you should be to get mentally healthy and sorted, with a goal in mind of getting your children back, or at least being able to spend more time with them. In them you have a reason, an inspiration to get everything sorted And it sounds like you have made the first step in getting there already. You don't say what contact you have with them, do you still get to see them regularly? You will always be their mother no matter what, no one can change that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyblueeyes Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 hi isabelle i get to see my youngest children every 5 weeks which i feel is unfair as ex sees them every weekend, which is wrong i should be able to see them same fair and square. as for oldest 2 i see them every 2 months which is like 6 times per year, thats the same for ex but every 2 months is a long long time and im not coping well with that as my son has moved out of sheffield into blackpool because the s/s couldnt find him a suitable family here in sheffield. ---------- Post added 13-08-2013 at 07:00 ---------- yes i will always be their mother, i wish i could of done more to prevent them from being taken into care. i will never give up on my children but i do sometimes feel i have no strength to go on, especially when it was said in court that when kids reach 18 is when they can come home but to me that is a long long time. like i said i will never give up on them im still contuing to fight but do feel very weak at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peer Gynt Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 babyblueeyes What you must realise is that you've got the rest of your life left, make the most of it. The more you achieve from now on will ease the pain of the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyblueeyes Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 thank you i am working on it to achieve my goals just hope i can find happiness in end. ---------- Post added 13-08-2013 at 11:12 ---------- and have my life back at same time without any obstecles in the way and stress free environment. ---------- Post added 13-08-2013 at 13:17 ---------- i miss everybody that i hurt includes my kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eyeopener Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 hi babyblueeyes firstly well done for taking the first steps it couldnt of been easy for you to write all this down, I am so sorry that you have suffered so. What you need to understand is that what happened to you as a child was not your fault, yet you have let it affect all your life like you wanted them to hurt you because you feel you are worth nothing. you are worth much much more than you think, you made a start by going to counselling and looking to get some cognative behaviour therapy which is excellent for you it does take time to heal but worth it. good luck bbe and keep in touch x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyblueeyes Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 hi eyeopner thank you for replying, no it wasnt easy asking for help or talking to anybody on here but i did do. i know what i suffered as child was not my fault although your partly right i think i just let people hurt me coz i do feel that im not worth nothing if this is how i been treated as a child and i let everything effect me to the point where my relationships break down and my children being taken into care. i dont feel like im worth anything if im honest i feel like im a useless fat peice of ****, yes i am getting councelling and soon to be threapy where i can get the help that i need and like you said i know it will take time for my pain to heal. thank you and i will stay in touch. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eyeopener Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 dont say that never say that about yourself what aint true, you will feel a whole lot better when the therapy starts to kick in. good luck bbe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyblueeyes Posted August 14, 2013 Author Share Posted August 14, 2013 its hard not to say it but there you go, anyway thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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