A Flatulent Tale!

[old tup]

Back in my 20s I had the constitution of an ox,my day started with a full English,my work finished around lunch time so it was into the pub for a few jars then home for a cooked dinner.After dinner off to bed until the bride awoke me for a cooked tea,after playing with the kids seeing them off to bed it was down to the local for to lubricate the larynx,then to the Chinese for two takeaways for my missus and me!.Around my 30s my body started to rebel developing excessive amounts of wind at both ends,I was famous at work for the length and velocity plus loud sound of my farts.I have reduced workmates to helpless fits of laughter eyes watering at witnessing one of my renditions!.One of my most memorable was in the corridor outside the works canteen,a few of us had finished dinner and were going down the stairs when my stomach started to rumble like a bilge pump,I emmited an absolute atomic beauty it scared me never mind them!.At this there was a mad scramble for the door at the bottom of the stairs,all of them pushing and shoving to get through first leaving me crying with laughter behind.I could go on about my little problem but I,ll have to be brave and live with it and be a brave little soldier!.

[Texas]

Well Tup, You know what they say, when you get over a certain age, never pass a toilet, never waste a hard on, and never trust a fart.

[old tup]

Well Tup, You know what they say, when you get over a certain age, never pass a toilet, never waste a hard on, and never trust a fart.

 

How true Texas wise words from a man who knows!.:hihi:

[Bypassblade]

Back in my 20s I had the constitution of an ox,my day started with a full English,my work finished around lunch time so it was into the pub for a few jars then home for a cooked dinner.After dinner off to bed until the bride awoke me for a cooked tea,after playing with the kids seeing them off to bed it was down to the local for to lubricate the larynx,then to the Chinese for two takeaways for my missus and me!.Around my 30s my body started to rebel developing excessive amounts of wind at both ends,I was famous at work for the length and velocity plus loud sound of my farts.I have reduced workmates to helpless fits of laughter eyes watering at witnessing one of my renditions!.One of my most memorable was in the corridor outside the works canteen,a few of us had finished dinner and were going down the stairs when my stomach started to rumble like a bilge pump,I emmited an absolute atomic beauty it scared me never mind them!.At this there was a mad scramble for the door at the bottom of the stairs,all of them pushing and shoving to get through first leaving me crying with laughter behind.I could go on about my little problem but I,ll have to be brave and live with it and be a brave little soldier!.

 

Good man that's what I like to see a flatulent man, I remember a few years ago me and the wife were in the Lajawab at Handsworth with 2 friends.

 

I had just had a Madras and we were sat there talking and I dropped one, now this was a rasping beauty, my wife hung her head in shame & I got a round of applause off a packed restaurant.

[hillsbro]

My dad was a truly virtuoso performer, especially after a few pints of Wards. He was a fartological phenomenon - nobody could hold a candle to him (in fact it might have been dangerous if they had....).

 

Here is another flatulent tale from the 17th century "Diarie of Samuel Poops":.

.

Up betimes with a head like a Papist's dog caused by too much of Mr Steven's port. Did let rip 7vral tymes at ye breakfast table - one so bad ye dog slunke out of ye room, frothinge and whynninge. To Lord Scrotum's* this noon where we dined for 7vral hours on a roast goose, a hog, 7vral capons cold, a large cheese, some boiled mutton spiced with cloves, boiled sprouts, leeks and peas and a side of venison. Did washe it down with 7vral bottles of good sack and a few of port. Some of ye ruder fellows 'gan to let off and did light them with tapers causing much hallooing and whooping. One of ye maids did come in to see what was ye merriment and did fall down in a faint to see ye flames leaping from Lord Scrotum's pantaloons, so I did ravish her. Squire Jameson did suffer a blowback of ye flames and did almost cook his trypes. A surgeon had to be sent for who pronounced them singed but serviceable. Did fart all ye way home in ye coach until ye coachman put me out by ye Fleet saying I did frighten his horse. Walked home hitting beggars on ye way. And so to bed..

.

.......* Lord Scrotum - a wrinkled retainer.

[Bypassblade]

My dad was a truly virtuoso performer, especially after a few pints of Wards. He was a fartological phenomenon - nobody could hold a candle to him (in fact it might have been dangerous if they had....).

 

Here is another flatulent tale from the 17th century "Diarie of Samuel Poops":.

.

Up betimes with a head like a Papist's dog caused by too much of Mr Steven's port. Did let rip 7vral tymes at ye breakfast table - one so bad ye dog slunke out of ye room, frothinge and whynninge. To Lord Scrotum's* this noon where we dined for 7vral hours on a roast goose, a hog, 7vral capons cold, a large cheese, some boiled mutton spiced with cloves, boiled sprouts, leeks and peas and a side of venison. Did washe it down with 7vral bottles of good sack and a few of port. Some of ye ruder fellows 'gan to let off and did light them with tapers causing much hallooing and whooping. One of ye maids did come in to see what was ye merriment and did fall down in a faint to see ye flames leaping from Lord Scrotum's pantaloons, so I did ravish her. Squire Jameson did suffer a blowback of ye flames and did almost cook his trypes. A surgeon had to be sent for who pronounced them singed but serviceable. Did fart all ye way home in ye coach until ye coachman put me out by ye Fleet saying I did frighten his horse. Walked home hitting beggars on ye way. And so to bed..

.

.......* Lord Scrotum - a wrinkled retainer.

 

 

Hillsbro, I have to agree with you & good on your dad, Wards was the beer to get the winds blowing so to speak.:hihi:

[old tup]

I apologise for going on but another memorable incident has come to mind,it occurred one Sat. night the bride and I with another two friends visited the Everest Indian resturaunt for a curry.We had a great meal plus drinks and headed back to the Queens Hotel for the rest of the evening,after a couple of pints of Wards I was building up a head of steam so to speak!.I held on till it was unbearable when I saw my chance to obtain relief,the pub was packed with everyone talking at once the sound building to a crescendo ,as it got very loud I dropped the H-bomb at that very moment as if pre-arranged everyone stopped talking!.Well the explosion from my rectum was off the richter scale every person turned and looked our way.Being quick thinking I looked daggers at my wife who protested vehemently,the room erupted with laughter,for weeks after everyone greeted my wife with"Hello Flatch how are you?"to her annoyance.I received an ear bashing that night alright!.

[hillsbro]

Yet another flatulent tale...

 

'I'll tell you a story that's certain to please

'Of a grand farting contest at Sh**tem on Tees;

'Where all the best arses paraded in fields

'To take part in a contest for trophies and shields.

 

'Some lift up their backsides and fart up the scale

'To strive for a yard or a barrel of ale,

'While those whose behinds were biggest and strongest

'Competed in contests for loudest and longest.

 

'This fine summer evening had drawn a big crowd

'And betting was even on Mrs Macleod;

'It was said in the paper (the sporting edition)

'That this lady's rump was in perfect condition.

 

'But old Mrs Smith had a lovely backside,

'With rosy red cheeks and a wart on each side;

'She fancied her chances of winning with ease,

'Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

 

'Old Mrs Bullock was backed for a place,

'As she once had been put in deepest disgrace,

'Having farted in church and drowned the great organ,

'And gassed the old verger, poor Marmaduke Morgan.

 

'Mrs. Bugle arrived amid shouts of applause

'And promptly proceeded to pull down her drawers;

'For though she'd no chance in a farting display,

'She'd the prettiest arse you've seen any day.

 

'The vicar arrived and mounted the stand,

'And proceeded to tell this remarkable band

'That the contest was on, as shown on the bills,

'And the use was forbidden of potions and pills.

 

'The entrants lined up at the signal to start,

'And, winning the toss, Mrs Smith took first fart;

'The crowd were astounded in silence and wonder,

'And the BBC issued a warning of thunder.

 

'Came Mrs Bullock and went to the front,

'And farted by doing a wonderful stunt;

'With wide open cheeks and tightly-clenched hands,

'She blew off the door of the sixpenny stands.

 

'Now Mrs Macleod thought nothing to this,

'She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and p**s,

'With hands on her hips and legs stretched out wide,

'She unhappily s**t and was disqualified.

 

'Now young Mrs Bugle was next to appear,

'She turned to the crowd who gave a great cheer,

'For although forecast to have no chance at all

'She took the first prize and outfarted them all.

 

'With hands on her hips she farted alone,

'And the crowd was amazed at the sweetness of tone,

'The judges agreed without bias or pause

'"First prize Mrs Bugle, and pull up your drawers!"

 

'She advanced to the rostrum with maidenly gait,

'And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,

'She turned to the crowd who had started to sing,

'And farted a verse of God Save The King.

 

..Anon..

[sharrowyank]

Sorry i caught wind of this topic, even sorrier for this.

Its better to fart and be ashamed than to hold it and be lamed.

[Bypassblade]

Hillsbro, that is hilarious