From whence comes our self-esteem?

[Waldo]

It's all fascinating stuff Staunton.

 

It's especially hard though, where other people are concerned. Say a person wants to feel more worthy and liked by other people; they are straight away putting the source of their esteem outside of themself, beyond their control, and so will feel even less empowered as people notice their unattractive needyness and shun them.

 

It's also making a statement to yourself, that other people are automatically good enough, but that you need to try hard to please them in order for them to accept you!

 

What a slippery slope!

 

I agree that an awareness of the processes involved, puts you in a better position (that being without such awareness).

[Staunton]

It's all fascinating stuff Staunton.

 

It's especially hard though, where other people are concerned. Say a person wants to feel more worthy and liked by other people; they are straight away putting the source of their esteem outside of themself, beyond their control, and so will feel even less empowered as people notice their unattractive needyness and shun them.

 

It is very hard work. We are often impulsive in our feelings - we expect to receive a certain response and confirm our own fears when that expectation is fulfilled.

 

But, if we can open up a little space to think, we can sometimes defeat that impulsive response and remind ouelves that our perceptions can be faulty - that we mustn't be too hard on ourselves - to think positive.

[Waldo]

I don't know. I would think, needing or wanting anything (love, approval etc) from other people, is a bad idea. It's okay if they come, but better to find those things within, and be indifferent to other people.

 

That sound wrong?

[Mecky]

Pay no attention to invalidators

[Womerry2]

I always assumed self-esteem came from being able to look yourself in the eye, as it were. If you are honest and decent in your life and your dealings with others, your self-esteem will be intact. For any grown-up, it's an internal rather than an external thing. I assume it probably helps if you have had a good example from your parents, but I think there comes a time in anybody's life where you have to take responsibility for yourself.

[Staunton]

Emotional resilience is a powerful characteristic, and it allows us to maintain independent, personal affirmation. Emotionally resilient people also recognise the influence that those around us contribute to our feelings, and tend to search out people who will confirm that positive self-image.

 

We are fundamentally social creatures, and the ability to develop and maintain a strong inner sense of our worth is very valuable. However, within the social environment, many people have some considerable difficulty in maintaining this inner resolve, and tend to internalise the feedback their social encounters generate.

[Shogun]

My Dad looked after me when I was a lad he loved and treat me fair and square,he always made me feel good and filled me with confidence,he was always there for me,he always used say stand up for your self be confidant hold your head up lad,I used to love bragging to him about things I had done he always seemed to listen to me and give his opinion,I think he helped me to be a confident and strong person throughout my life,your character comes from your childhood and a good upbringing is very important in a person's life,I tried very hard to bring my own lad up the same way as I was and he seems to have turned out pretty good..

[Guest]

I always assumed self-esteem came from being able to look yourself in the eye, as it were. If you are honest and decent in your life and your dealings with others, your self-esteem will be intact. ...

Healthy self-esteem gives you the ability to look yourself in the eye with neither narcissism nor self-deprecation, to assess yourself honestly and, on balance, to like what you see.

For any grown-up, it's an internal rather than an external thing. I assume it probably helps if you have had a good example from your parents, but I think there comes a time in anybody's life where you have to take responsibility for yourself.

As an adult you do take responsibility for your actions, but you also have to acknowledge the influence of early childhood experience - essentially factors beyond your control - in the shaping of your self-esteem and personality.

 

Acknowledging childhood influences doesn't mean that you're powerless, as an adult, to tend to a less than ideal self-esteem; on the contrary, with help and work you can shape your thoughts and behaviour patterns. From my post above you'll see that I'm pessimistic about the prospect of attaining a level of self-esteem that's akin to those who've taken less of a psychological hit but, as ever, ymmv.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself.

It needn't be like that. If more adults gave some thought to parenthood - acknowledged their own issues, flaws, influences and failings and, moreover, worked on those factors before popping out children - there might be a few more relatively psychologically healthy people around.

 

---------- Post added 13-08-2013 at 18:56 ----------

 

My Dad looked after me when I was a lad he loved and treat me fair and square,he always made me feel good and filled me with confidence,he was always there for me,he always used say stand up for your self be confidant hold your head up lad,I used to love bragging to him about things I had done he always seemed to listen to me and give his opinion,I think he helped me to be a confident and strong person throughout my life,your character comes from your childhood and a good upbringing is very important in a person's life,I tried very hard to bring my own lad up the same way as I was and he seems to have turned out pretty good..

You've been fortunate. Well done to your dad, and to you for carrying on the good work.

[Waldo]

Thanks again everyone. :-)

 

I'm not sure I entirely agree with you Hecate. I think it can actually be a blessing in disguise; as with any other area in which we find ourself lacking, there is opportunity for introspection, developing a greater self-awareness; and a sense of achievement and empowerment, when we do overcome and improve in a particular area. Sure, I agree, it's not easy; but that makes success all the more sweeter when it does come, if we contemplate the magnitude of the challenge we faced, and know that we didn't shy away from it...

 

Conversely, people who have always been positively reinforced by the social mirror; do not have this same opportunity for growth and self-awareness. In some ways, they're living in a bubble, albeit, a very nice one.

 

Every cloud has it's silver lining, if we're willing to look for it.

 

---

 

Interesting how some people are suggesting that self-esteem, is more of a looking yourself in the eye, and presumably, being proud of your achievements, accomplishments, and good qualities. Yet, others have suggested, it's a function of how other people view us, and presumably, we sublimate that in to our awareness, and that forms the basis of self-esteem?

 

Is it one of the other? Or both?

[Eccentric]

If you are an empathetic kind of person, you are probably more likely to gauge your own self-esteem from others. If you are lacking in the empathy department, your sense of self-worth will emanate mostly from the satisfaction that you get from your own achievements.

 

I am afflicted by being incredibly clever. I cannot even begin to explain how erudite and cultured I am; I compensate for this by realising that the number of things which I do not know, will always outnumber the things I do. The very universe humbles me enough to remain realistic, even if I am an arrogant git.