Dealing with unwanted visitors?

[Electerrific]

This is a delicate balance between not insulting or hurting someone's feelings, but making sure that they don't keep calling.

 

A flatmate seems to have no social life of his own, and is a little odd behaviourally (who isn't, I suppose), he talks about random things in a way that would, I'm afraid, embarrass me if being out with him socially (as he suggests), or introducing him to personal friends or work colleagues. He calls to my flat a few times a week, and hints at inviting himself out to meet the above, or suggesting that we might attend various local events etc. But he rambles for ages and doesn't realise that he is outstaying his welcome, despite increasing hints and my increasing disinterest.

 

The truth, ugly as some of it is after much soul-searching, is that I just don't want to be his friend/mentor/whatever. I feel bad for him as he is lonely, but simply enjoy chilling alone after work sometimes, not indulging this guy's every whim. He doesn't work, and so focuses his time pondering about things he likes, or some that he hates.

 

We're very different in nature and only a few things overlap, such as films etc, we're different ages and I have kids, he doesn't, I'm not sure when he last had a girlfriend. But it's getting to the point of me feeling tense when I hear the stairs.

 

I am outspoken generally, but not unnecessarily cruel, and so am finding it difficult to just tell this guy where to go. I shouldn't have to 'hide' or pretend that I was asleep? So... what to do? Just ignore the door, as I have lately done?

[cgksheff]

Does he start random threads on Sheffield Forum?

 

Keep your door locked.

[Electerrific]

No, he isn't sarcy either, randomly.

[Isabelle]

The first thing I wondered when I read the OP is whether the neighbour is on the Asperger's spectrum, since he seems to find it difficult to 'read' people and understand when he has outstayed his welcome.

Even if he is, I doubt this helps you in knowing what to do, sorry I don't know what to suggest, apart from maybe encouraging him to follow his interests and meet new people.

[Electerrific]

Thanks, Isabelle. Yes I wondered if he is a sufferer of that or some other condition, agoraphobia?

 

I think perhaps best to be honest, but wondered if anyone had any good, practical ideas that they might have tried.

[Sierra]

The sooner you nip this in the bud, the better. I understand not wanting to be cruel or rude, but this person is intruding on you and making a nuisance of themselves. He may or may not have Aspergers, or maybe he just doesn't care. (He's taking advantage of the fact that you are mindful of other people's feelings. Someone else might simply tell him to bug off and leave it at that.)

 

I call people like this emotional vampires. They seem unable to arrange any sort of social life of their own and attach themselves to you like a barnacle. They want you to introduce them to your friends, be included in things and just generally hang around, waiting for YOU to entertain them.

 

I say nip this in the bud because there will be no normal give and take with them, as you have found out. Ignore the door, ignore the phone. If he asks, say you're B-U-S-Y. Make up a fib about sick kids. The flu, poison oak, bubonic plague, whatever works. Include lots of gore, snot, vomit, etc. Say it's very contagious.

 

Unfortunately, he probably can't/won't take a hint. If you do speak to him, be polite but firm. Good luck to you.

[Minimo]

Doesn't he have any family around. Do you know why he doesn't work, is it because of his health? Does he have any particular interests that have a club/society or something that he could join?

 

It might in the end come down to you having to tell him firmly that you have nothing in common, and that you are too busy with your home and children to allow him to keep coming round. It might sound harsh, but you have wants and needs too, and also responsibilities, and you are entitled to put those first.

[bassy]

If you say nothing it'll end up being every night instead of 2 or 3, hints don't seem to work or are being ignored, so maybe it's time to be joe blunt about it, just be clear in telling him that although you may not mind the odd visit his coming so often sometimes interferes with plans that youv'e made and sometimes you just like your own company to unwind after work, doesn't need to be rude or nasty as I'm sure that might lead to being uncomfortable if you both live at the same property.....good luck

 

---------- Post added 27-08-2013 at 01:02 ----------

 

If you say nothing it'll end up being every night instead of 2 or 3, hints don't seem to work or are being ignored, so maybe it's time to be joe blunt about it, just be clear in telling him that although you may not mind the odd visit his coming so often sometimes interferes with plans that youv'e made and sometimes you just like your own company to unwind after work, doesn't need to be rude or nasty as I'm sure that might lead to being uncomfortable if you both live at the same property.....good luck

 

Failing that when he's there get changed into your pyjamas and switch the light off and go to bed leaving him sitting in the dark in your living room )

 

---------- Post added 27-08-2013 at 01:03 ----------

 

Oops how did I quote myself lol I only hit the edit button!

[geek_andy]

Jerry Seinfeld?!

 

 

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[Maxtor]

Rip of the plaster nice and quick!

Tell him you dont want to be his friend. Honesty is by far the best policy. The alternative is you keep feeling anxious and you eventually snap at him and say something not nice.