Am i being hard on them

[butterball]

my eldest two are almost 3 and almost 4 and they get told to tidy their toys away and have done for a while. Start young and I'm hoping they will have good standards when they grow up and try their best to maintain tidy rooms of their own volition. also, they will be given chores when they're old enough too as I want them to appreciate that they have to do things for themselves in life. I don't think it's mean, I think it's meaner to not prepare them enough for what life is like when they're older and more independent with their own responsibilities.

[PositivHypno]

Giving clear boundaries and responsibilities is hard work. It is a gift which lasts a lifetime. It will be repaid many times over.

[aliceBB]

my eldest two are almost 3 and almost 4 and they get told to tidy their toys away and have done for a while. Start young and I'm hoping they will have good standards when they grow up and try their best to maintain tidy rooms of their own volition. also, they will be given chores when they're old enough too as I want them to appreciate that they have to do things for themselves in life. I don't think it's mean, I think it's meaner to not prepare them enough for what life is like when they're older and more independent with their own responsibilities.

 

Giving clear boundaries and responsibilities is hard work. It is a gift which lasts a lifetime. It will be repaid many times over.

 

It would be difficult to disagree with any of that; teaching small children to tidy up is the easiest thing in the world. However, just because you taught them to do it when they were small does not mean they will willingly do it when they are 13.

 

Part of the job description of being a teenager is that you may well change from being a sweet, compliant, articulate 10 year old to a stroppy, rebellious, Neanderthal grunter 3 or 4 years later. You get better again once you've hit about 22, but in between, when asked to tidy your bedroom, you will probably decide that this is an easy way in which to manifest your independent spirit (and refuse/be useless/slow over it).

 

Just belt the buggers, I hear the Daily Mail brigade cry, just show them the back of your hand and make them do it.

 

Those of us who have lived with teenagers were making the point that it is wise to choose your battles and that the state of someone else's private space may not be worth fighting about.

 

I have taught many kids whose parents hit/beat them when they wouldn't do what they were told and it simply made them more upset, angry and rebellious, not less. Pointless, I think you'd agree.

[buck]

It would be difficult to disagree with any of that; teaching small children to tidy up is the easiest thing in the world. However, just because you taught them to do it when they were small does not mean they will willingly do it when they are 13.

 

Part of the job description of being a teenager is that you may well change from being a sweet, compliant, articulate 10 year old to a stroppy, rebellious, Neanderthal grunter 3 or 4 years later. You get better again once you've hit about 22, but in between, when asked to tidy your bedroom, you will probably decide that this is an easy way in which to manifest your independent spirit (and refuse/be useless/slow over it).

 

Just belt the buggers, I hear the Daily Mail brigade cry, just show them the back of your hand and make them do it.

 

Those of us who have lived with teenagers were making the point that it is wise to choose your battles and that the state of someone else's private space may not be worth fighting about.

 

I have taught many kids whose parents hit/beat them when they wouldn't do what they were told and it simply made them more upset, angry and rebellious, not less. Pointless, I think you'd agree.

I'm a bit proud of my three boys. Terrible teenagers, they each wanted a car at 16 just like every other teenager in America. Not an Escort mind you, but a Mustang. They quickly discovered that myself and my Irish wife were raised in countries where you got nowt till you were 18, and then only limited rights to the family car. But they've matured toward early middle age and awarded us seven grandkids, five girls and two boys, ranging in age from 5 to 22 years. Three of the girls are 12, 11, and 10. 13 is starting to look ominous, but Poppa is never in trouble, they'll do anything for me. They never got the Mustangs.

[aliceBB]

I'm a bit proud of my three boys. Terrible teenagers, they each wanted a car at 16 just like every other teenager in America. Not an Escort mind you, but a Mustang. They quickly discovered that myself and my Irish wife were raised in countries where you got nowt till you were 18, and then only limited rights to the family car. But they've matured toward early middle age and awarded us seven grandkids, five girls and two boys, ranging in age from 5 to 22 years. Three of the girls are 12, 11, and 10. 13 is starting to look ominous, but Poppa is never in trouble, they'll do anything for me.

 

 

Well done, you must be proud of them.

 

I would agree that not letting them have a car at 17/18 is much more important than insisting they tidy their bedrooms. The driving issue is one battle we were definitely prepared to fight, especially with our two sons. We told them we would only give them 15 driving lessons with an instructor and driving practice with us (essential if they were to pass their test) if they did what they were told in the car and accepted that we, as experienced drivers, knew best, and saved up enough to pay for their post-test insurance. One earned this at 17; the other is still waiting....

 

In other words, they have to show enough maturity to benefit from the instruction, then they have to earn enough money to pay for their insurance.

 

Son2 - perhaps when he's 30?!

[buck]

Well done, you must be proud of them.

 

I would agree that not letting them have a car at 17/18 is much more important than insisting they tidy their bedrooms. The driving issue is one battle we were definitely prepared to fight, especially with our two sons. We told them we would only give them 15 driving lessons with an instructor and driving practice with us (essential if they were to pass their test) if they did what they were told in the car and accepted that we, as experienced drivers, knew best, and saved up enough to pay for their post-test insurance. One earned this at 17; the other is still waiting....

 

In other words, they have to show enough maturity to benefit from the instruction, then they have to earn enough money to pay for their insurance.

 

Son2 - perhaps when he's 30?!

You have very tough driving tests there. I went through it myself, three point turns, hand signals, emergency stops, starting up a hill without rolling back, the lot. I took my test in Truro, another Petty Officer went with me as my so-called expert, and I passed. The tester said the speed limit in Truro was 30 MPH, but I could have gone 20 in places. He said I'd had a lot of instruction. I was a motor cyclist and just climbed into a car and drove it. I put my L plate on the day I was tested for the first time. So UK cops, come and get me! The test is far easier here, and most cars are automatic. Too many teenagers never survive, but the ones that do usually settle down to be good at it later.

[aliceBB]

Too many teenagers never survive, but the ones that do usually settle down to be good at it later.

 

Most caring parents would not however be prepared to take that Darwinian kind of approach and its attendant risks.

[buck]

Most caring parents would not however be prepared to take that Darwinian kind of approach and its attendant risks.

One of the problems with American life is the lack of public transport outside urban areas. This means that youngsters either have to learn to drive as soon as possible, or drag unwilling parents out to give them rides. You can tell your kids to drive carefully, obey the rules of the road. But once they're out there who knows what goes on. We are friends with several families who have lost sons and daughters in car crashes.