Dear Forum... Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 I need a sense check so I’m asking for thoughts, feelings, opinions on the following: My 21 year old step son came to live with us 3 months ago after being thrown out by mother, his maternal grandmother and then by brother. He’s come because a) there’s nowhere left to go and b) he can’t afford to live. He’s been living far beyond his means. He has a nice, newish car. However payments are around £450 a month and insurance is around £150 a month. With other outgoings he’s got about £55 a month to live on. He has more financial at the moment as he moved jobs and has gone from being paid weekly to monthly. Over the last 3 months he’s borrowed just over £1k from his Dad. My partner gives him money for fuel for work but he drives round to friends in neighbouring towns then doesn’t have enough to get to work. If no money is given he behaves badly, getting stressed and shouting until we give in. We’ve suggested a tram pass and other solutions for getting to work (he’s blaming heavy traffic for running out of fuel so often. My car has the same engine and I can do 80 odd miles with a mix of motorway and heavy traffic for the same amount of fuel. He lives for his car and spends a lot of time cleaning it, looking at things to buy for it so it looks better than others. He does have a history of depression. I don’t dispute at all that he is depressed, however my sense is that he uses this to get his own way and says things like “I’ll self harm/commit suicide because you’re stressing me out”. Although overtime is offered he won’t do it because he is tired. He doesn’t help round the house. He comes in from work and goes to bed because he’s had a bad day, the boss has been on his case and he’s stressed. He comes down about 10pm for the meal that was cooked (if he eats it all as he’s rather fussy) and instead will snack on other food in the house. He pays no board at all. He won’t get up in a morning. My partner gets up an hour earlier than he needs to just to make sure he gets up. His reluctance to get up means it has a knock on effect for others wanting the bathroom. My partner and I are now rowing, something we very rarely did because of the negative atmosphere in the house and I feel that we’re being taken for mugs. There’s only one way and unless it’s exactly what he wants it’s not good enough. How would you handle this situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megalithic Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 There's no need for people to comment really, the answer must have gone through your head a thousands times. Apply it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*_ash_* Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Looks like the car needs to go. Traded in or whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megalithic Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Looks like the car needs to go. Traded in or whatever. That car is what defines him. It'd be like taking a dummy off a baby. You aren't wrong though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obelix Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Either the car goes, he goes, or your relationship with your partner goes. The first is probably the best, the second is acceptable and the third on is the one you must preserve. Ask why the previous helpers kicked him out.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Clowning Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 He needs a good shake. Get him kicked out and have to fend for himself, get him a council house or something because while ever he is getting it handed to him after a bout of emotional blackmail he will never grow up. Don't put up with it, he is like he is because you have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megalithic Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 If ever a quote were apt - "Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind". This is nuts. I know you know it's nuts, and are just seeking affirmation from others that indeed it is nuts, but it's nuts. Nothing but nuts. Lad needs a good dose of reality sharpish. ---------- Post added 22-03-2014 at 01:30 ---------- Btw. ask him to Google "parasite". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*_ash_* Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 That car is what defines him. It'd be like taking a dummy off a baby. You aren't wrong though. I used to spend too much on cars when younger. However, I had to downgrade when I'd gone way over the top - which is what this sounds like. He needs a good shake. Get him kicked out and have to fend for himself, get him a council house or something because while ever he is getting it handed to him after a bout of emotional blackmail he will never grow up. Don't put up with it, he is like he is because you have. I think that main issue (finance wise) is the car. I don't think kicking him out is a choice, otherwise they perhaps wouldn't have taken him in in the first place. Council houses are difficult to get, with long waiting lists. Driving around and seeing mates is all good, and at that age, I did the same. However, I had to get used to driving around in knackered old cars, until I could afford something better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megalithic Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 He's a parasite. Financially and emotionally. A 3rd, maybe more? of the monthly income is taken up by him, and he's contributing NOTHING. and taking the wee wee. Jeezuz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Clowning Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 I don't think kicking him out is a choice, otherwise they perhaps wouldn't have taken him in in the first place. Council houses are difficult to get, with long waiting lists. Maybe she didn't which would explain posting on here ? There's nothing worse than going along with something that you know isn't going to work out in order to keep the peace, and then being stuck with it even though you have known what was going to happen from the off. I too would want some outside affirmation of the plight if it could not be a discussion within the home. If its not a choice kicking him out then its because 'Daddy' would be opposed to it (I'm assuming), but that does not mean it wouldn't be the best course of action. Anyone that is living beyond their means in this day and age needs to find out what its like to make it in the real world under their own steam and not be propped up at the expense of everyone else just because they are not mature enough to even try. Resorting to emotional black mail about self harming if he can't get his way says it all to me, at some stage you have to call them out on it and let them know that that is not a bargaining tool anymore. If he is going to be made homeless then the council are obliged to help and find accommodation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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