Coutts Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 There is the security aspect of this as I'm comfortable and it's a daunting thought of having to pack up and move out I care a lot about him and financially I'm in a much better position than he is, I don't like to think of him being in the house alone, 4 tv channels (I pay for sky) only his mobile (he said before he can't afford the landline as I pay for it) I will worry about him affording the rent on his own and I wouldn't want to feel responsible if he lost the house So make the decision to live for him and not for yourself then, just don't go blaming it all on him in another 10 years because YOU chose to stay. We are all responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. Strangely, most people put the onus on someone else to make them happy as if it's someone else's job which long term can never be maintained. You are talking about the future of your marriage and your life and yet you mention the most trivial things such as mobile contracts and sky TV. What are you going to do? Something or nothing. Whichever you choose, you will be answerable to yourself in another 10 years. Lets hope your future self isn't angry with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinz Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 There is the security aspect of this as I'm comfortable and it's a daunting thought of having to pack up and move out I care a lot about him and financially I'm in a much better position than he is, I don't like to think of him being in the house alone, 4 tv channels (I pay for sky) only his mobile (he said before he can't afford the landline as I pay for it) I will worry about him affording the rent on his own and I wouldn't want to feel responsible if he lost the house Sounds like you're asking for advice on how to stop the relationship from going around in circles. You'll never do it it unless you stop making excuses and get off the merry-go-round. If you're comfortable then bite the bit and carry on by putting up with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boothybabe Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 There is the security aspect of this as I'm comfortable and it's a daunting thought of having to pack up and move out I care a lot about him and financially I'm in a much better position than he is, I don't like to think of him being in the house alone, 4 tv channels (I pay for sky) only his mobile (he said before he can't afford the landline as I pay for it) I will worry about him affording the rent on his own and I wouldn't want to feel responsible if he lost the house Not sure about the brother and sister thing, you sound more like his mother, or maybe his carer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autumn Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 He sounds very selfish to me but we are only hearing your side of the story .Is he happy with the situation ,does he ever discuss your relationship ? There has to be give and take in any relationship for it to work .It sounds as if he isn't interested in sharing responsibility . What does he bring to the situation ,sounds like you pay more than your fair share which is ok as long as he does his fair share in other ways . i think the lack of intimacy is telling you something ,either he isn't for you or the situation is making you depressed . You could go to relate on your own ,have a couple of sessions it may help you make up your mind .No matter what something has to change ,don't waste your life ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Hans Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna B Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 41 is still young. Leaving is scary, but also empowering. Do you have friends for support? But remember you'll have to cut your own hedges. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medusa Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place. And of course, it's so easy to go back and change that now, isn't it? My honest answer is that if he's not prepared to work on things that leaves you with a choice- stay or go. Staying will mean accepting his issues and all of the things that annoy and frustrate you and will also mean that you are aware that you are choosing to accept them and you therefore need to work on yourself in whatever way that is necessary to curb your frustration and annoyance moving forwards. Only you know whether you have enough love and trust to do that. Familiarity and security are not good enough justifications as they will just land you back to this same decision in future. Going will mean a whole load of upheaval, heartbreak and upset, along with self blame for being the one who ended things. I made the break from an abusive marriage only when I was sure that my mental health would be detrimentally affected if I tried to stay, and in retrospect I wish I'd done it earlier, but at the time I felt I needed to go through all of the possible chances to improve things because I did believe that I'd married for life. The nail in the coffin was his adultery in the end, confirming to me that I could no longer stay married to him. Your situation is yours alone and nobody else can make up your mind for you. I hope you find peace with your way forwards through this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinz Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 Here we go, marriage gets a bit rocky and you jump ship. Does nobody believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? You've been together 16 years! You shouldn't have got married in the first place. Thanks granddad. And of course, it's so easy to go back and change that now, isn't it? My honest answer is that if he's not prepared to work on things that leaves you with a choice- stay or go. Staying will mean accepting his issues and all of the things that annoy and frustrate you and will also mean that you are aware that you are choosing to accept them and you therefore need to work on yourself in whatever way that is necessary to curb your frustration and annoyance moving forwards. Only you know whether you have enough love and trust to do that. Familiarity and security are not good enough justifications as they will just land you back to this same decision in future. Going will mean a whole load of upheaval, heartbreak and upset, along with self blame for being the one who ended things. I made the break from an abusive marriage only when I was sure that my mental health would be detrimentally affected if I tried to stay, and in retrospect I wish I'd done it earlier, but at the time I felt I needed to go through all of the possible chances to improve things because I did believe that I'd married for life. The nail in the coffin was his adultery in the end, confirming to me that I could no longer stay married to him. Your situation is yours alone and nobody else can make up your mind for you. I hope you find peace with your way forwards through this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J's Mum Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnmb Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives Maybe you should look at it more in terms of trying for 16 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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