Relationship going round in circles

[tinfoilhat]

It is difficult as I don't want to feel like I've given up on him after 16 yrs but he seems to want it all his way

He wants to go out together but only on his terms to his places at his time

 

Thanks to everyone who has commented it's good to see other peoples perspectives

 

You know you should leave, and you probably knew that before you joined the forum. But knowing and doing are two completely different things. What sort of support do you have? Other family? Friends who aren't also his friends? If you have, get gone. You've a job and could no doubt get a house/flat or something quite easily.

 

He will manage. He'll have to.

[J's Mum]

I do have friends but I don't like to put on them, my family is really just my mum but she's terminally ill so I look after her

It's such a hard decision to make but he won't go to counselling, he says he doesn't want to muddle on but isn't willing to compromise

[tinfoilhat]

I do have friends but I don't like to put on them, my family is really just my mum but she's terminally ill so I look after her

It's such a hard decision to make but he won't go to counselling, he says he doesn't want to muddle on but isn't willing to compromise

 

This sounds blunter than it means to be, but if you have terminally ill mother I'd stay where you are. As it stands you have a roof over your head, a partner who isn't the greatest catch ever but (as far as I can see) isn't knocking you about or anything - he likes a drink and is a lazy slob. Imagine leaving him and all that brings then the worst happening to your mum, who as she's terminal it could happen (you'll know that score better than me). Either one is a lot to cope with - both at the same time would be a tremendous amount to cope with.

[J's Mum]

Tinfoil hat

I know where your coming from with that and it isn't blunt at all. Mum has lung cancer and has had for 2 years now so she's doing well. I have thought about this side of things and it is difficult, my other thought is that I stay and mum passes but then my husband is 59-60 and I then feel it's not fair to leave him at his age

[tinfoilhat]

Tinfoil hat

I know where your coming from with that and it isn't blunt at all. Mum has lung cancer and has had for 2 years now so she's doing well. I have thought about this side of things and it is difficult, my other thought is that I stay and mum passes but then my husband is 59-60 and I then feel it's not fair to leave him at his age

 

Divorce rates for over 60s has never been higher! He'll be fine.

[Ghostrider]

Sounds like it time to pack the bags. Its not as hard as you think

[Gazza58]

I would say you really should be telling him this and not us,he does sound selfish.set in his ways.takes you for granted etc.He needs telling how this is making you feel and that you are that fed up you are considering leaving,it might give him the kick up the arse he obviously needs.

[erebus]

So the truth is when the chips are down you feel alone, but living with someone that you feel sorry for, and you fear living alone????

 

So you feel a great deal of affection, and care, as well as responsibility, towards someone getting old, who just might not be able to cope on his own???

 

So its a one way relationship, when it comes to affection?

 

Maybe you should realise that being an affectionate, caring person, is something others might find attractive, and the fear of being alone is fear. Thus you are somewhat of a prisoner, in a cage with an open door, which leads in your mind to either homelessness occasionally, or just a struggle for a home and a life itself. Thus caught between a rock and a hard place?

 

Well you live in a sort of misery, but a safe misery? OK so if you leave it might be a bit of a struggle to begin with, and that could be a few months, or more, but it should lead to a better future surely?

 

So you feel you have to make a decision, and that is the hard part. Well make the decision, and if you choose to stay in your rusty cage, then you must not regret it, as it was a decision. If you choose to seek a better future, you must be sure in your heart enough to deal with the decision, which is about your life, and you only have one. Again the decision must be such that you have no regrets, as you have to get over the transition, and leaving a ball and chain behind is difficult for many prisoners, as some just need institutionalising, as the outside world and relating to people is more than they can cope with.

 

You can have all the advice in the world, but the truth is you have to decide what sort of life you feel you deserve, and that means you have to convince and believer in yourself, and never doubt that you know what is best for you.

[999tigger]

Tinfoil hat

I know where your coming from with that and it isn't blunt at all. Mum has lung cancer and has had for 2 years now so she's doing well. I have thought about this side of things and it is difficult, my other thought is that I stay and mum passes but then my husband is 59-60 and I then feel it's not fair to leave him at his age

 

What Medusa said was a very wise post.

 

I've helped people esacpe several dead end relationships and soemtimes it took years. None of them have ever regretted it once they plicked up the courage.

 

41 you are still v young. You are only half way in life. If he loves you or cares about you then he must be prepared to change and that means counseling of some sort so he listens and can meet your emotional needs. It takes two to make it work, so of he wont see the problem or do anything about it you have the choices that medusa points out. Hos behaviour means he massively decreases the options and chances of you having the sort of relationship you want.

 

Again only you know and the choice is yours.

 

Fear of being alone- but you will be free to make your own decisions.

Fear of leaving him. he will survive. If it meant enough he would listen and try to change. he isnt prepared to.

Age- both of you cna meet someone else. Probably better suited.

Finding a place? At least start looking into it even if its just putting your name on the waiting lost or working oput the exact money youd need for a deposit.

 

Talk to your mum and id be astounded if she said anything other than live your life and try to make the choices that make you happy.

[Anna B]

Have you thought of living the single life within the relationship?

 

What I mean is. think about what you would do if you were newly single; take up new interests perhaps? join a club? Go places you've always wanted to go? sort things out for yourself (like arranging for somebody to cut that hedge?) Look for promotion at work?

 

Then just do it.

 

A friend of mine did just this and perked up so much she didn't bother with a divorce. In fact her husband was so startled by the change in her that he started to do more too. And inevitably they ended up with a better relationship.

 

I think you need to take the lead sometimes. For example, get two tickets to a show / gig /exhibition you want to see, give him first option of going with you, and if he won't go, find a friend to go with, or go on your own.

 

Hard at first, but it gets much easier. If he objects, let him. He needs to realise you mean business. It sounds to me like this relationship needs stirring up a bit - kill or cure. It might save it in the long term.