Alcoblog Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 As an avid literary enthusiast, I was leafing through the glossy cardboard pages of the latest in the Fireman Sam series of books yesterday in Mothercare. Before anyone starts, I'm not stupid … I know that Pontypandy doesn't really exist … it's just a fictional village somewhere on the coast of coastal Wales, be it north, west, or south, and Fireman Sam may/may not be based upon Brad Pitt. It doesn't really matter. The tale was pretty riveting and rolled along nicely until I managed to separate pages 2 from 3 with cellulose thinner, whereupon I was met with the following dilemma … Fireman Sam is sat down (in the fire station) having a nice cup of tea, with a lovely smile upon his face, feet up, relaxed ...imagine it … what could be better eh? All of a sudden the phone rings … 'emergency switchboard' not being present (probably gone to the recent Eisteddfod in Llangollen for the day … I didn't go, so couldn't say with 100% certainty), Sam answers … the fish and chip shop's on fire! Now, this is where the plot goes downhill a bit (big style, if you ask me). 'What should Fireman Sam go in to put out the fire?', the reader is asked ... then faced with a complex multiple choice conundrum scenario, as in, 'pick one of these answers, you idiot' … A boat A fire-engine A bus Well ... it's not that easy is it, you dumb author!? I think the reader is supposed to say 'fire-engine' at this juncture, but hey … there's more to it than meets the eye here … Where exactly is the fish and chip shop … could it possibly be situated on a rocky promontory, only reachable by footpath at high tide? Is it across the bay? We're not supplied with the relevant information! If a 'yes' applies to either of these very valid points though, then a boat would be the obvious choice, unless of course the fire engine is some kind of amphibious vehicle, equally capable of travel both on land and water. We're not furnished with such information either … let's assume it's not. Where is the boat anyway? … on a trailer at the fire station, in dry dock, moored at the harbour? Has 'emergency switchboard' commandeered it for a day out to aforementioned Llangollen Eisteddfod, along with the rest of the strangely absent fire crew without telling Sam, and if so, why not? Let's assume that the boat's at the fire station for these purposes (balanced on old tyres, eh?) and everyone's gone to to the Eisteddfod on pedal bikes for the sake of argument, as otherwise things get unnecessarily complicated. If the answer is 'a boat', and available to Sam, then how the bloody hell is he gonna put the fire out when he gets there? There's no mention of it being a fire-boat. In fact, the reader is faced with so many unanswered questions, there seems to me to be only one (although slightly controversial) answer to a happy outcome to the entire nightmare now unfolding before our eyes … take the lot! Basically, the boat's a 'no-brainer' as it is, without water pumping capabilities, the fire engine probably won't make it ... Health and Safety clearly ruling out any trans-beach crossing … we're not talking about Pendine Sands here (World land-speed record 1927, Babs/Chitty Bang-Bang). What about the as yet unmentioned bus?! It soon becomes obvious to the well educated mind, and those who've watched 'Scrapheap Challenge'. Using a plasma torch, Sam needs to cut out the bus's engine and all relevant mechanicals (taking special care with sparks around the fuel tank) and mount them on to the boat. Then, removing the fire hose from the obviously useless fire engine, affix it to the water-pump of the bus's engine (ensuring that the engine's own cooling system isn't compromised). The fire engine's own water-pump could be used, but we have to keep weight to a minimum. No time for a tea-break here … time is, as they say, of the essence! (as they say). 'Competitor! … you have five minutes remaining!' (Robert Llewellyn, being Welsh, uses Pontypandy as a retreat from prying paparazzi by a sheer quirk of literary coincidence … Lisa Rogers visits him, but that's another story ...) A makeshift 'trailer' then has to be fabricated for boat-towing purposes, constructed from the bus's chassis … the rear axle and a bit of attached chassis should suffice … couple of minutes left. Sam wipes his brow. When this is done, the newly commissioned 'fire-boat' needs to be hitched up to what's left of the fire-engine (having welded a tow bar to it) and drive it to the marina, whereby it can be safely manhandled into the sea. Horn blows ... finished in the nick of time! 'Start your engine!' yells Bob through his trusty, rusty megaphone. Job's a good'un! Of course, if the fish and chip shop's just down the road, the fire boat is now equally as agile on land as it is in water, due to its hasty conversion to amphibiousness/land-cruising capability. Robert Llewellyn smiles … 'Good job Fireman Sam … you've saved the day!'. Meanwhile, from around the corner of the tea-shop, a convertible, red Alfa-Romeo Giulietta driven by non-other than Lisa Rogers herself, comes into view. 'Gotta dash Fireman Sam … good luck with the fish and chip shop fire … adieu!' says Robert with a glint in his eye. .................................... Of course, the story is nowhere near ended as yet, but that'll do for the time being. Now … is it just me, or is this how kids should be taught to think … use their imagination a bit, instead of just dashing through stuff with one-word answers? Everything 's going to seed I tells ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jane2008 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Brilliant!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Brilliant!!!!!!!!!! I thank you, but I'm only making a point here about the way in which children's books are written … pretty shoddily. Plus, I don't understand why the books themselves are printed on either sticky, laminated cardboard bordering on kitchen worktop thickness, nor why they cost around a thousand times more than your average paperback. There's no wonder kids can't read … the pages are too heavy to turn. Maybe that's why some of them come with a CD … for those encountering page leafing problems? (you will notice boys and girls, that I am now using the correct method to form an ellipsis, after a short but very interesting discussion on another thread … Alt+0133) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jane2008 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Maybe it's because the little horrors tend to try to eat the books and sticky fingers will rip the pages Doesn't Fireman Sam have access to a helicopter? It's quite a while since I had to watch/read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alcoblog Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Maybe it's because the little horrors tend to try to eat the books and sticky fingers will rip the pages Doesn't Fireman Sam have access to a helicopter? It's quite a while since I had to watch/read it. I shall intoduce flavour enhancers and monosodium glutamate to any children's books I write then, as well as a small sachet of Swarfega. Thank you for your sage advice. So far as the helicopter's concerned … I don't know. I shall peruse the Fireman Sam section of the Mothercare library next time I have to visit the city centre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apelike Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Doesn't Fireman Sam have access to a helicopter? It's quite a while since I had to watch/read it. Yes, and the pilot is an Australian.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now