History and ex-pats Germs 1966

[zakes]

Having awoken in a playful mood, Zakes, aged 12, undrew his curtains to let in the light of a new day. Having had a tiddle, and a quick wesh in the bathroom, Zakes arrived in the kitchen downstairs.

 

Dad, and Mum Zakes were sat at the Formica topped dining table. They had already breakfasted, and were now reading. Dad Zakes was studying the Horse racing form in the Daily Mirror. Mum Zakes was reading with envious eyes, the latest issue of the Parade Nuddy magazine. Having loudly harrumphed, Zakes cheerfully ‘good morninged’ the pair. He received the usual response……no response.

 

As it was Saturday, Mum Zakes would soon be setting-off to do the family’s weekly shop, at the Castle Market, in town. Mum always bought, Dutch cheese, German Quark, French Rye bread, Danish bacon and British broken biscuits.

 

Dad Zakes would also be going into town, to have a bet on the horses, and to drink a pint or two of beer. Dad enjoyed drinking Stones Best Bitter, because it tasted somewhat ‘gritty’ and because it was as smooth as a pebble. Dad Zakes once had a bad case of gall Stones when he got bladder-ed at the Rock Inn in Crane Moor. He later had a relapse in the Rock Inn, in Green Moor. He was never seen in Pistmoor or Dixon Lane.

 

Zakes would be going to the matinee at the Rex picture palace in Intake, if he could manage to cadge a Florin off his Dad. The money would cover the cost of admission, spice, an ice cream and a good-sized bag of scraps from the chip-hole, on his way back to home.

 

On the dining table atween the two readers, was a half loaf of Hovis bread. Zakes reached atween the two to snatch up the loaf. The writing on the wrapping said ‘Hovis is the slice of life’ It also said ‘Hovis is foundation of sturdy health and leaping energy’ Further reading revealed that Hovis had wheat germ in it. This confused Zakes, causing him to knit his eyebrows together. He wanted immediate explanation as to why so called healthy bread would have germs in it.

 

 

 

Zakes: “Dad, this packet of bread says it’s got wheat germ in it, surely that’s poison?” “Why are you two still alive?” “Is it a slow killing poison?”.

 

 

Dad Zakes: “No son, you have got the wrong end of the loaf.” “The bread isn’t poisonous.” “Wheat germ is the vitamin rich embryo of the wheat kernel, which is largely removed before milling, and is used in bread and cereals, as a food supplement.” “The bread doesn’t contain wheat rust, nor does it contain wheat worm, so it’s safe to (wh)eat.” “And please cease coming out with your eloquent outpourings of wise-dom”

 

Zakes was still confused

 

Zakes: “When we lived in Hackenthorpe, Dad.” “I used to go to the fields behind Carr Forge Road, then down to Shirebrook River.” “On my way there, there was a big wheat field full of wheat and I saw lots of birds swooping down from the sky, to eat wheat from the field.” “I thought the birds were Corn Buntings, but when I got home and looked in my Observers book of birds, I found out the birds were actually wheatears.” “The next time I went to the wheatfield, which was two days later, the wheatears weren’t there anymore, I had waited ages for them.” “Do you think that Germany could have sent German spies to scatter German Germs onto the Wheatfield?” “That would explain why I didn’t ever see the wheatears again?” “Them German trunts have poisoned our birds, Dad!”

 

 

Dad Zakes: “Don’t be daft, son, the Germans wouldn’t dare to come to poison our birds.” “Mr Churchill shewed them German trunts the error of their ways over 20 years ago.” “They won’t be bothering us, or our birds again.” “Here, have a taste of this nice slice of Hovis bread.”

 

 

Zakes: “I hope this Hovis slice of life doesn’t cost me my life.” “If I go all green, then fall to the floor, phone 999 for an ambulance and may God save me.” “Please don’t be a devil by calling 666, it could be a matter of loaf and death.”

 

 

 

Zakes took a tentative bite of the proffered slice of Hovis. It tasted nice, very nice, wholesome and wheatsome. Yummy.”

 

 

Zakes: “Mum, when you’ve quite finished browsing through my magazine, I want to ask you summat.” “Can I have a party, I want to invite my pals and my pal-esses?”

 

Mum Zakes: “I’ll let you have a party on condition you promise to mend your ways.” “ I suppose you’ll be wanting me to buy loads of fancy things like, Eclairs, Vanilla slices, elephant’s foots, other buns, ice-cream etc.”

 

Zakes: “Oh, no, mum.” “I want a basic party, nothing extravagant, just a nice little get together for 34 lads and lasses.” “I’ve had a quick think about the food we’d like to have, it consists of ….

 

“1 large pack of ‘hundreds and thousands’, Mr. Whippy, Mr Softee, Mr Taggy and Mr Cuneo always sprinkle them on my cornets of ice-cream.”

 

“6 packs of fresh double-wrapped Kraft margarine.” “ A shilling for a half-pound packet, it spreads smoothly even when cold.” “Quality counts when its Kraft quality”

 

“1 crate of Pepsi cola, its more than refreshing! There’s pep-pep-pep in Pepsi Cola. Try Pepsi when you’re thirsty.”

 

“13 packets of Jacob’s Fig rolls – hungry boys at work like Jacob’s fig-roll biscuits. Rich fruit baked in a biscuit.”

 

“12 loaves of Hovis what germ bread, it tastes, great, mum.”

 

“When you’ve bought that lot mum, I’ll give you three simples recipes, so simple, even you’ll be able to do them.”

 

 

 

Mum Zakes: “Tell me the recipes now, so I can set my mind on how to do them.”

 

Zakes: “OK Mum, here goes”

 

“Fairy Food: Sprinkle ‘hundreds and thousands onto slices of Hovis, already smeared with Kraft margarine, then cut in star and diamond shapes. Children are enchanted with this”

 

“Butter Bunnies: Hovis slices already smeared with Kraft margarine.” “With a large rabbit shaped biscuit cutter, cut the bread into entertaining rabbit shapes.”

 

“A treat for everyday:

 

1 breadknife, sharp

1 butter knife, blunt or sharp.

3 loaves of Hovis wheat germ bread

Lots of creamy Kraft margarine.

 

“With breadknife cut thin slices of Hovis. “With butter knife add Kraft margarine generously to the Hovis.” “Continue until the Hovis bread, and Kraft margarine, are exhausted, spent, used-up. Children are mad about the taste of Hovis wheat germ bread.”

 

Moments Later

 

Zakes: “Mum, I’m hungry, can I have some breakfast please”

 

Mum Zakes: “Yes son, would you like a bowl of shredded wheat. I think it’s got germ in it?” “I’ve got fresh milk too. Start your day the healthful way.”

 

Zakes (smirking) “Yoik!! No Mum, I’d like to have a germless bowl of wheatearbix instead.”

 

Mum Zakes: WALLOP

 

Zakes: “Ouch!!”

 

 

 

 

2 hours later

 

Zakes was trotting along Birley Moor Road, heading towards the Rex Flicks, in Intake. His red left ear was still hearing the bells of St Martin, but he wore the smile of a cheeky Cheshire cat.

 

Zakes was so pleased with himself, having sown the wheat to deliberately wind up his parents ….Once again! Ha-Ha-Ha

 

 

 

Zakes’ party went down a treat the following Sunday

 

The food was heavenly

 

The girls were willing

 

The Yardbirds played their heart(s) full of soul, on the two-tone grey and red Dansette record player.

[stephen 7]

All i can say to this thread is get a life, what a waste of space

[Padders]

All i can say to this thread is get a life, what a waste of space

 

no, what you mean is. get a sense of humour.