Tipstaff Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 You have a friendly couple who you socialised with and enjoyed their company, it was a fairly good friendship. One of them dies and you are there for the remaining one, giving your time and support as good friends should. Time passes and throughout the ups and downs of living with the loss of a loved one you stick by them, as good friends should. In the following years you regularly invite the now single friend to all manner of shows, meals and holidays, making all the arrangements and sacrificing some of your partner's and your own enjoyment, comfort and privacy for the sake of a friend. Suddenly, you find that you are feeling guilty for even thinking that you ought, just once to have time alone with your partner for a change and then after some discussion, decide to break the news to your friend. You wish to spend the next holiday period with family. Your friend takes this very badly and accuses you of letting them down. They behave irrationally and it is clear they are resentful. You feel that your friend had behaved very badly reacting in this way, especially after all your loyalty and kindness. You and your partner are rightly upset about the situation, but both parties do not speak to each other or meet again. In the following weeks and months you and your partner begin to feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and that your 'friend' was indeed a burden, however sad, needy and demanding they were. You feel that you didn't deserve to be treated in this way. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cuttsie Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, Tipstaff said: You have a friendly couple who you socialised with and enjoyed their company, it was a fairly good friendship. One of them dies and you are there for the remaining one, giving your time and support as good friends should. Time passes and throughout the ups and downs of living with the loss of a loved one you stick by them, as good friends should. In the following years you regularly invite the now single friend to all manner of shows, meals and holidays, making all the arrangements and sacrificing some of your partner's and your own enjoyment, comfort and privacy for the sake of a friend. Suddenly, you find that you are feeling guilty for even thinking that you ought, just once to have time alone with your partner for a change and then after some discussion, decide to break the news to your friend. You wish to spend the next holiday period with family. Your friend takes this very badly and accuses you of letting them down. They behave irrationally and it is clear they are resentful. You feel that your friend had behaved very badly reacting in this way, especially after all your loyalty and kindness. You and your partner are rightly upset about the situation, but both parties do not speak to each other or meet again. In the following weeks and months you and your partner begin to feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and that your 'friend' was indeed a burden, however sad, needy and demanding they were. You feel that you didn't deserve to be treated in this way. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? Man or woman , I my self have life time friends , not always seen eye to to eye , but these days realise that it is daft to fall out with people un less it interferes with your closest Burning bridges can be costly both physically and mentally Edited January 17, 2023 by cuttsie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Bundy Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 Not experienced that situation but your friend is the one who needs to grow up and realize you have other responsibilities, especially if you have a partner. Depending how long you have you been with your partner would maybe be a cause for some mitigation on your friends side. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waldo Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 Sometimes people need to respect their own boundaries and priorities... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cressida Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, Tipstaff said: You have a friendly couple who you socialised with and enjoyed their company, it was a fairly good friendship. One of them dies and you are there for the remaining one, giving your time and support as good friends should. Time passes and throughout the ups and downs of living with the loss of a loved one you stick by them, as good friends should. In the following years you regularly invite the now single friend to all manner of shows, meals and holidays, making all the arrangements and sacrificing some of your partner's and your own enjoyment, comfort and privacy for the sake of a friend. Suddenly, you find that you are feeling guilty for even thinking that you ought, just once to have time alone with your partner for a change and then after some discussion, decide to break the news to your friend. You wish to spend the next holiday period with family. Your friend takes this very badly and accuses you of letting them down. They behave irrationally and it is clear they are resentful. You feel that your friend had behaved very badly reacting in this way, especially after all your loyalty and kindness. You and your partner are rightly upset about the situation, but both parties do not speak to each other or meet again. In the following weeks and months you and your partner begin to feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and that your 'friend' was indeed a burden, however sad, needy and demanding they were. You feel that you didn't deserve to be treated in this way. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? Wouldn't it have worked out if you had let your wife help your friend? Edited January 17, 2023 by cressida Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silverglade5 Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 I'm right behind you Tipstaff, you don't need to feel guilty in my opinion. I'm on the opposite side to you in that I'm now on my own, but I am very careful not to be needy and hang onto the coat tails of friends who have been, and still are, generous enough to support me in my hour of need as they say. There is nothing more guaranteed to lose friends than for you to make them to feel guilty about your predicament. When you find yourself on your own for whatever reason , you have to reach out for new frontiers as well as those enjoyed in the past. Sometimes it's not easy, but if you try hard enough you can recover from the dip many of us find ourselves in due to events. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassett one Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 a friend in need is a bloody problem i say and can be costly,but a good mate cannot be replaced 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Cid Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 I assume you have enjoyed your friends company, I assume the friend is female? Better to have friends, especially when you are older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anna B Posted January 17, 2023 Share Posted January 17, 2023 (edited) The problem is that through your kindness in helping them, your friend came to depend on you utterly, rather than developing their own interests and relationships. So I imagine their anger is really hurt mingled with panic, they no doubt didn't realise what a strain they were putting on you. Yes, they should have realised, and been grateful for the help you gave them, but we sometimes can't see what's under our noses. If you are truly relieved to be rid of them then so be it. The jolt will maybe have made them realise that they have to forge a new more independent path by themselves. But if you want to continue the friendship at all, you have to wean them off you. You could offer an olive branch (even though you've done nothing wrong) on the understanding that it will be more on your terms, (and make sure it is.) Edited January 17, 2023 by Anna B 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipstaff Posted January 21, 2023 Author Share Posted January 21, 2023 (edited) Thank you all for your replies. I think our 'friend' has decided for themselves that the 'friendship' has come to an end, which is sad but we have moved on and have no regrets., Edited January 21, 2023 by Tipstaff missed word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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