School Reports.

[Padders]

For most people, childhood memories are dominated by cloudless summer days  and lashings of Robinson's barley water...

Not mine though, mine are dominated by the mornings when I'd come downstairs to find my school report had arrived.

Throughout the term I'd assured my parents that I'd been working hard, and that the small fire in the library had been nothing to do with me..But there in the report, was solid irrefutable proof that I hadn't been working hard at all.

Even today, 60years later, I can recall the verbatim comments from my history teacher claiming that the mock exam looked like it had been written by someone who was trying to be deliberately stupid, or who was 4year old..

I can also recall too, the way my parents looked as they thumbed through page after page of abuse and home truths, and the look of utter bewilderment when the general studies teacher said I'd been a "Quite" member of the class.

This might have had something to do with the fact that I hadn't been to a single one of his lessons, because I was in the library playing with petrol...

 

My father would point out calmly that I'd let the school down, the family down and that I'd let myself down. My mother would would throw frying pans at me, and I'd sit there, unable to conceive of a more horrible experience.

I often wonder how todays parents cope with school reports.

In the early years of a child's schooling, reports are fairly meaningless, you learn that your pride and joy has made a lovely paper plate without cutting her head off and that she has grown some watercress, and you swoon with joy..

But then comes along the 11plus  (Or whatever it is now) 

For 12 years you've known, with no question or shadow of doubt, that your child is the greatest, most brilliant and most popular human being in the whole of human history....

Her paper plates were magnificent and her watercress divine.

You have visions of her, on stage, thanking the Nobel academy, But then, suddenly, along comes a report that says that actually she's a bit thick..

 

Teachers, of course, are very good at softening the blow, they use words such as "pleasing" and "encouraging" no matter how many members of staff your child has stabbed that term.

Johnny is becoming very adept with his knife, perhaps he would do well if he were to think about a career in a slaughterhouse.

 

My headmaster was brilliant at this, in my final report he said: "We like Padders very much, when he is sent to borstal, we hope it is not to far away so that we come and visit him from time to time"

The trouble is that no matter how hard it is to mask the truth, you will never accept it, everyone has been nice about your kids, they have been since they were in a pram.

But criticism: that's a whole new area, it leaps of the page and hits you straight in the heart, "Karen needs to concentrate more" is no different from saying "Karen has a face like a ducks arse" it hurts..

 

Take Zidane, who was sent off while playing football for France: he was showered with sympathy when he explained that the Italian player had insulted his mother.

So why can't you headbutt your child's teacher in the chest when he writes to say that Johnny daydreams to much?

I know what it's like to get a poor report, I know how much it stings, I'm a pensioner, so imagine how much it must hurt when your only 11.

 

Can you imagine if your boss wrote a report on how you were doing at work...... and then sent it to your children?

"Padders has made pleasing progress this year, and we're encouraged with his efforts to stop looking up the secretaries skirts, but he must learn to stop pilfering the Company's stationary, or he won't be getting promotion anytime soon"

It's not the the done thing to present others with an honest appraisal of their performance, I'm useless at nearly everything I do, but I don't need people telling me.

And yet that's exactly what a school report does.

I once got my daughters report, and it revealed the class average time for a 100-metre race, and then how many hours it took my daughter to cover the same distance, and the point of this is........ what exactly? to make me feel guilty for breeding a mutant?

Well it hasn't worked! because those who can run fast are, in my experience, apes..

I can, however, end with a crumb of comfort for those of you whose children receive poor reports.

Nobody who is successful in life ever had a good one......

 

 

 

[YorkieontheTyne]

My geography report said “he does well to find his way home”.

[hackey lad]

3 hours ago, Padders said:

For most people, childhood memories are dominated by cloudless summer days  and lashings of Robinson's barley water...

Not mine though, mine are dominated by the mornings when I'd come downstairs to find my school report had arrived.

Throughout the term I'd assured my parents that I'd been working hard, and that the small fire in the library had been nothing to do with me..But there in the report, was solid irrefutable proof that I hadn't been working hard at all.

Even today, 60years later, I can recall the verbatim comments from my history teacher claiming that the mock exam looked like it had been written by someone who was trying to be deliberately stupid, or who was 4year old..

I can also recall too, the way my parents looked as they thumbed through page after page of abuse and home truths, and the look of utter bewilderment when the general studies teacher said I'd been a "Quite" member of the class.

This might have had something to do with the fact that I hadn't been to a single one of his lessons, because I was in the library playing with petrol...

 

My father would point out calmly that I'd let the school down, the family down and that I'd let myself down. My mother would would throw frying pans at me, and I'd sit there, unable to conceive of a more horrible experience.

I often wonder how todays parents cope with school reports.

In the early years of a child's schooling, reports are fairly meaningless, you learn that your pride and joy has made a lovely paper plate without cutting her head off and that she has grown some watercress, and you swoon with joy..

But then comes along the 11plus  (Or whatever it is now) 

For 12 years you've known, with no question or shadow of doubt, that your child is the greatest, most brilliant and most popular human being in the whole of human history....

Her paper plates were magnificent and her watercress divine.

You have visions of her, on stage, thanking the Nobel academy, But then, suddenly, along comes a report that says that actually she's a bit thick..

 

Teachers, of course, are very good at softening the blow, they use words such as "pleasing" and "encouraging" no matter how many members of staff your child has stabbed that term.

Johnny is becoming very adept with his knife, perhaps he would do well if he were to think about a career in a slaughterhouse.

 

My headmaster was brilliant at this, in my final report he said: "We like Padders very much, when he is sent to borstal, we hope it is not to far away so that we come and visit him from time to time"

The trouble is that no matter how hard it is to mask the truth, you will never accept it, everyone has been nice about your kids, they have been since they were in a pram.

But criticism: that's a whole new area, it leaps of the page and hits you straight in the heart, "Karen needs to concentrate more" is no different from saying "Karen has a face like a ducks arse" it hurts..

 

Take Zidane, who was sent off while playing football for France: he was showered with sympathy when he explained that the Italian player had insulted his mother.

So why can't you headbutt your child's teacher in the chest when he writes to say that Johnny daydreams to much?

I know what it's like to get a poor report, I know how much it stings, I'm a pensioner, so imagine how much it must hurt when your only 11.

 

Can you imagine if your boss wrote a report on how you were doing at work...... and then sent it to your children?

"Padders has made pleasing progress this year, and we're encouraged with his efforts to stop looking up the secretaries skirts, but he must learn to stop pilfering the Company's stationary, or he won't be getting promotion anytime soon"

It's not the the done thing to present others with an honest appraisal of their performance, I'm useless at nearly everything I do, but I don't need people telling me.

And yet that's exactly what a school report does.

I once got my daughters report, and it revealed the class average time for a 100-metre race, and then how many hours it took my daughter to cover the same distance, and the point of this is........ what exactly? to make me feel guilty for breeding a mutant?

Well it hasn't worked! because those who can run fast are, in my experience, apes..

I can, however, end with a crumb of comfort for those of you whose children receive poor reports.

Nobody who is successful in life ever had a good one......

 

 

 

I can remember the teacher telling mi Mam , my handwriting looks like a spider had fell in the ink well and crawled over the page . 😃

[Palomar]

Surely you got a good mark for creative writing?

[hackey lad]

6 minutes ago, Palomar said:

Surely you got a good mark for creative writing?

It was the closest I got to joined up hand writing  😃. 

[Palomar]

37 minutes ago, hackey lad said:

It was the closest I got to joined up hand writing  😃. 

I meant Padders, I'm not sure you've ever written a paragraph. No offence meant.

[hackey lad]

1 minute ago, Palomar said:

I meant Padders, I'm not sure you've ever written a paragraph. No offence meant.

Non taken . Brevity is my forte  😃

[gaz678]

47 minutes ago, hackey lad said:

Non taken . Brevity is my forte  😃

Science report Earl marshal school Mr Millar ....I have never seen Gary 😇

[Padders]

2 hours ago, Palomar said:

Surely you got a good mark for creative writing?

Toilet doors was my forte....

[Palomar]

46 minutes ago, Padders said:

Toilet doors was my forte....

Enough about your job as a top architect, how did you do in English?