Imposter Syndrome

[Weazel2006]

Woke up as usual very disorientated and in a panic. Spent the morning studying adhd and a variety of aspects around it. Hoovered my flat.

 

I don't seem able to relax at all, it's like part of my brain is waking up and in doing so is showing me the horror of my life.

 

I cannot help but feel I'm lazy or at the very least been very mentally ill for a long time. I know I spent years thinking I'd missed my chance at everything and nobody would hire me due to heart attack, fibro  anxiety to name a few. I suffered with full body psoriasis which in itself was robbing me of self esteem.

 

I'm not at all used to "out there" to the point I think I have deep seated paranoia. I hate the feeling that never leaves me, that my mind and body are not my own. 

 

I had a life....it was being with my family, going on trips. Helping out in the house. Playing games and talking with friends.....now I have none of that...i don't know how to love myself  I'm a very broken man.

[Weazel2006]

Twas in winters icy grasp did I feel warmth

Forgone expectations cloud's aloft

Hailstones on broken bones  o grant me a moment free of pain

The blinded beholder sunken in an ocean of tears

Cackle ye jesters of scorn , thy snares upon my mind.

Forsaken are my once cared memories of the moments in the meadow dancing through the daisies.

 

[cressida]

Did you write the above?

If so poetry could be your outlet,  stop hitting on yourself,  there's a line in a song,

 

'Even if you're old and gray you still have something to say'

 

I don't know or want to know your age but all I can say is you are a good person,  look for the light.

[Padders]

1 hour ago, Weazel2006 said:

Twas in winters icy grasp did I feel warmth

Forgone expectations cloud's aloft

Hailstones on broken bones  o grant me a moment free of pain

The blinded beholder sunken in an ocean of tears

Cackle ye jesters of scorn , thy snares upon my mind.

Forsaken are my once cared memories of the moments in the meadow dancing through the daisies.

 

Hurt and pain,

There's much to gain,

Peace and love,

It's all the same,

Confusion and doubt,

We're not without,

We weep, we cry,

We plead, we try,

We laugh, we smile,

Only to be hurt,

By one last trial,

Life is a lesson,

So learn it well,

And maybe one day you will excel...

 

Stop trying to be perfect Weazel,

Even the moon is not perfect, it's full of craters,

The sea is very beautiful, but salty and dark in the depths..

The most beautiful things are not perfect, but they are special, and every human being chooses what's special in life.

Stop trying to be "Perfect" try to be free and and love doing what you like without trying to please  others..

Best wishes Weazel.

 

 

[francypants]

Well said Padders    

Nobody is perfect  ...........  but it's the ones who think they are that need to alter.

[Weazel2006]

I am very far from perfect.

 

Did my first day volunteering yesterday, body really wasn't happy near the end.

 

I was sorting and placing prices on items on the sale floor, made the odd mistake but didn't let it get to me.

 

Opened my eyes a little on how anxiety has gripped me for so long. Going down again tommorow as my body needs some rest.

 

One small step for Dan, one giant leap for dankind

[Padders]

1 hour ago, Weazel2006 said:

I am very far from perfect.

 

Did my first day volunteering yesterday, body really wasn't happy near the end.

 

I was sorting and placing prices on items on the sale floor, made the odd mistake but didn't let it get to me.

 

Opened my eyes a little on how anxiety has gripped me for so long. Going down again tommorow as my body needs some rest.

 

One small step for Dan, one giant leap for dankind

Well done "Dan" its a start,

Keep it up and don't push yourself too hard.

Remember it's not about winning in life, is about taking part.

You can do it pal 

[Weazel2006]

Spent the afternoon just listening to emotional intelligence on audible.

 

Memory popped up on Facebook of my little girl playing in a police car in town. I burst out crying.

 

I feel like I've had my heart ripped out and everybody I cared for no longer gives a damn about me.

 

Her dad for many years would never have thought about harming himself..

 

I somehow have to become a real man before this gets the better of me

 

 

 

 

[Weazel2006]

Today got to spend time with my daughter. Took her to kfc and shopping. Popped into sue ryder and going to start volunteering there too from next week.

 

So studying, keeping flat going, volunteering, writing, blogging even considering a podcast for local people with mental health issues. Trying to Bury the anxious me. I've had my mirtazipine upped and been put on propranolol to take the edge off the anxiety.

 

Got myself a new top....ex might never look in my direction again but I got to put things right with my little best mate.

 

Someday someone will surely offer me a job but in the meantime rest assured your taxes are helping someone to get their life sorted.....thank you 

[Weazel2006]

Finding it really hard to keep motivated today. I'm very isolated and in a constant state of paranoia.

 

I can't help but feel my ex was lying to me. I don't feel secure at all and definitely not enjoying my free time. People keep telling me to enjoy myself. Focus on hobbies etc but I can't do that without feeling guilt.

 

I've gone from stay home parent to single middle aged loner struggling to keep going. The volunteering is a life line for sure but even that is bringing me nothing but fear of being caught out by a deeply cynical benefits system.

 

I've applied for an apprenticeship shortterm intervention team with council. I just feel like I'm grasping at straws the entire time, it's demoralising.

 

I wish poetry payed the bills