I'm Leaving, But!

[hackey lad]

16 minutes ago, Gormenghast said:

 

You need flute lessons to show you where to put your fingers to stop it leaking then.

I'm fluent on a recorder .

[Gormenghast]

Íf that was at school you'll have forgotten it. 

[hackey lad]

11 minutes ago, Gormenghast said:

Íf that was at school you'll have forgotten it. 

Three Blind Mice 

[echo beach]

3 hours ago, hackey lad said:

Had bigger injuries on mi owd man .

That is his Owd Man!😆

 

echo.

[Draggletail]

On 27/09/2024 at 01:30, Padders said:

I'm back, I've survived, but only just!

Things took a dramatic turn for the worst on the last day when the unthinkable happened, I knew that one day, at my age it would happen, after a hospital visit I'm still in recovery mode at the moment, and hopefully it was a one off.

Anyway, me and the two know alls set off at 7am last Wednesday morning bound for East Midlands Airport.

Know all number one was driving, straight down to Wincobank, on the Tinsley viaduct to the M1. simple.

Nope, out comes the mobile, and it sends her through Page Hall, Owler lane, on Brightside Lane, Weedon st, round Meadowhall, on to Attercliffe rd, then the Motorway, that was 10 minutes wasted, never mind I thought, she can't help being daft..

 

So we get on the M1 and its a bit of a slow crawl, not the know alls fault, but did she really have to leave the Motorway a junction early?

Was she taking the scenic route? I really don't know but it added another 15 minutes on the journey..

On a good day I can do East Midlands Airport in under an hour, we'd set off early and had plenty of time to spare, but come on, 1hour and 55 minutes, but, hey ho, never mind were on our Jollys..

 

Arrived at the Airport car park, electronic car recognition barriers, the car in front can't get them to open, it's a woman, sigh.

She faffs about, presses the green help button, and we have to reverse, she then tells us that their not working and tells us we've got to use gate no, 2.

So we follow her to gate no. 2 where she drives through. not us! they won't open, Know all presses the green help button, were at the wrong gate, we should be at gate no.1.

So we then go back to the first gate and gain admission.

By this time I'm starting to get a little bit grumpy, last time I parked at an airport I drove in, parked my car and paid at the kiosk. chuffin technology..

 

We eventually managed to get into the terminal building, check in, dump our baggage all done by mobile phone, I have'nt a clue what's going on, and I daren't ask cus the know alls just think I'm thick.

And it gets worse, the airports gone cashless!

You want a beer or a coffee, you have to use a machine, type in your order, scan it with your mobile then watch the screen till its ready to pick up. It's barmy.

 

Now it's time to go through passport control, what a farce, you have to place your passport on a machine, place your feet on footprints, arms outstretched and look at a screen, if it's satisfied it's really you it lets you in..

Getting on a plane is basically like catching a bus or a train, you turn up 5 minutes early and wait for it arrive.

It's no use complaining to the authorities, because all they say is "Its security sir"

I suppose this is the problem, as long as there is one man out there with a grudge and a stick of dynamite, it gives them the perfect excuse to stick their fingers in your bottom, look at pictures of you naked and rummage around in your bag, you can complain as much as you like, but it will make absolutely no difference.

If you abuse the staff, they won't let you on the plane,

If you refuse to let them look in your underpants, they won't let you on the plane,

If you ask them not to take photographs of your breasts they won't let you on the plane, it makes my teeth itch with rage.

It's not my fault that my eldest daughter is a dead ringer for Abu Hamza.

 

It's crazy init,

Them X-ray machines have been set to such a a level that they can detect tiny fragments of zinc in a ladies vajazzle, or bits of nickel in those hard bits at the end of a mans shoelaces, and we know what the response will be, you'll be sent back to take off yet another item of clothing until your naked, and even then, thanks to the cardamom in your chicken casserole you ate the night before, a man will want to rub his wand over your genitals, it's humiliating and disgusting...

I used to love airports, but I now loath em...

 

So, after a bumpy landing we arrived at Alicante airport, caught a bus to Benidorm for 8 euros apiece , a pleasant 45 minute drive, sod the 65 euro's taxi's.

The holiday had finally started.

Little did I know what fate had in store for me.

Fantastic weather 27 degrees, apart from a couple of isolated showers, it was beautiful.

And cheap, compared to the UK, it was unbelievable cheap, pints of continental and English beers at 1-50 euros.

Same with eating out.

 

The know all's had their silly moments, when I decided to show em what having a good time was really about.

I was boogie woogien all night long, I showed em how to move in the groove, I'd got my mojo back and didn't they know it, I felt 40 years younger,.

As the week progressed, things just got better, I could go on and on, but I can't elaborate any more, because what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm... Sorry!

 

Anyway, on our last day, fate decided to deal me a bad hand (or should I say arm)

The know all's were exhausted by now, after trying to compete with me, and the youngest know all, being a bit of an history buff wanted to visit a proper Spanish village away from the tourist hot spots, so we chose to visit Altea, which boasts a magnificent 600 year old church at the top of a mountain. (Our lady of Solace)

We jumped on a bus to take us there, when it happened, the unthinkable, the moment I've dreaded, a horrific happening, I always knew that one day it would happen, but surely not yet!

The bus was full, mainly elderly people and we had to stand.

Then it happened, the shock.

A middle aged obese ugly woman sat wallowing in a seat stood up, took my arm and said " Here you are love, you can have my seat"

I've just spent a week partying, swimming in the sea, drinking into the early hours, walking the length and breadth of Benidorm and some looney offers me her seat on a bus, I was gobsmacked.

If anyone needed the seat, it was her, the fat git!

The bus ride took about about 40 minutes and I was fuming after politely telling her what she can do with her seat.

It took 2 jugs of Sangria in Altea before I calmed down..

Naturally the 2 know all's thought it was funny.

 

Things were about to get even worse.. (Mad dog and a Englishman)

Last night of our holiday, taxi ordered for 8am the following morning.

So we decided to pack our cases, go out for a nice meal, a few drinks and a comparatively early night.

I'd got a few Euros left, so I treated my 2 know all daughters to a not cheap, but shall I say inexpensive meal.

Then of to my favourite well priced bar "Uncle Peds" for a few for the road.

That didn't go to plan, cus some mad hungry dog took a fancy to have a bite of my arm!

It just leapt up on me and had a bite, blood everywhere, it looked a reight old mess.

Luckily "Uncle Peds" bar had a first aid kit, daughters cleaned up my arm and the eldest, who is a bit of a drama queen started to phone for a ambulance..

I said "no way am I going to hospital, it's only a bite"  you need a tetanus injection she said..

I need nothing, it will get better, I'm a hard man and my reputation has to be kept intact.

I can't let the "Padders Bar" crowd know I go crying to the hospital cus of a dog bite.

Anyway, back to the apartment, stuck a plaster on, and went to bed..

 

Next morning, packed and ready to go,

Get into the lift, doors close, lights go out and were stuck in total darkness, ey up. these cursed mobiles have lights on em.

So drama queen can see the emergency button, presses it, and sirens start sounding.

Nowt happens,

Presses it again,

Nowt happens,

If you have ever been stuck in a lift, you'll know its pretty terrifying, especially when you've a plane to catch.

So she presses it a third time, this time the lights come back on, and the lift operates as normal, Phew!

 

We arrive at Alicante airport, unlike UK airports, in Spain they do things rather differently, someone walks through that detector thing and it beeps, the security guard notes that it is a businessman or an old lady and simply waves them through, I beeped, he looked at me, saw no beard, saw I had hands rather than hooks, and that was that, he waved me through.

In the UK I think their taught that every single airliner is likely to explode at at any moment, but Pedro uses his nous, and he as obviously worked out that if a terrorist organization is going to go all the bother of blowing up a plane, it probably won't be the 11-15am holiday flight from Alicante to East Midlands.

So why is Pedro allowed to use the power of reason, when Mr. Patel at East Midlands is not?

 

So we eventually arrive back at East Midlands about half past two, and I just want to get home.

Back down the M1, drama queen is driving, but when we near home, she turns off on the parkway.

Your going the wrong way I remarked, "No I'm not, your going for your tetanus injection"

Bluddy hell, we finish up at the walk in centre on Broad Lane, I'm cold and hungry. and its raining.

I've given in, just jab me, and let me escape them..

Not an earthly, the walk in centre dunt do em, next stop Hallamshire Hospital.

At last, success, after waiting 3 hours it's done. finally got home at 8pm. ruddy daughters.

Wednesday to Tuesday I had the time of my life in Benidorm, felt 40 years younger, then aged 50 years on the last day. 

I just can't win!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tetanus, fair enough, but what about rabies? Not that I want to worry you... 😂

[Draggletail]

1 hour ago, Draggletail said:

Tetanus, fair enough, but what about rabies? Not that I want to worry you... 😂

Sorry about the dog bite though.

[hackey lad]

Hope the dogs ok .

[Padders]

And I managed to pull a dolly bird.

 

 

[Padders]

Not bad for an old fella.

 

[RollingJ]

3 minutes ago, Padders said:

Not bad for an old fella.

 

Yer trousers have shrunk - who  washed 'em? 😉

Edited September 28 by RollingJ