mikomi Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 "LINK DELETED BY AUTHOR.")/url] I thought i would try somthing a bit different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 This story has a lot of potential, but then, I always like a good chess story. The following are points that I thought could be improved. It was unrealistic that the police did not attempt to trace the owner of the internet site immediately. The criminal was taken too seriously, too soon. It might have been better to disclose that he "had form", was known to the police and had blown up half of Rome or Paris already. The narrator assumed the role of the chess player despite admitting that he is not very good at the game; the police had enough time and would have undoubtedly consulted a grandmaster to install in the hot seat if necessary. The story would have benefited from a discussion by behavioural psychologist (“Cracker”) to examine the motives of the criminal. The sentence : “Forbs had seen and done it all, his social life was believed to be somewhat chequered” was a bit corny when you consider they then go on to talk about a chess board. Suggestions for a title The Knights bridge gambit. The Pawn* The Semtex Fianchetto.* * Anybody willing to bet Jabberwocky gets the wrong end of the stick with these two titles? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikomi Posted November 25, 2006 Author Share Posted November 25, 2006 Thanks for raising those points Mantaspook,appreciated .That's why i tend to write for children. A mans got to know his limitations , and i got in to deep but the thing is i know where it's going and as you say it would make a good novel perhaps i need a twosome .Thanks mikomi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I’m intrigued, Can’t wait for part two. As for the name, what about “Fouls mate in four” or whatever number applies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brisbane Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 For some reason it wont let me view the story I'll try again later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I enjoyed this because the story lead you on until the end.Look forward to part two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brisbane Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Finally catching up with stories, good one, enjoyed it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chloelouise Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Hi I-enjoyed-this-too. Agree-with-some-of-Mantaspooks-comments-about-the-criminal-being-taken-seriously-etc. Looking-forward-to-part-2! Chloe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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