chloelouise Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 This-is-just-a-quickie, Decisions, Decisions. A-bit-of-fun-really,.....can't-write-anything-else-until-I-get-this-fixed-so-I-thought-I-would-share-this-for-now. Any-comments/criticism-more-than-welcome. Chloe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopman Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Quite a twist at the end. I'll look forward to reading more of your stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 chloelouise, it's a delighful debut piece and I liked it It is very cleverly constructed and, as Hopman says, it has a great surprise awaiting the reader in its last line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scribe Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 So are you gonna take the money ? .Please let us know preferably before Christmas . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 What a surprise ending. I never expected that, so re read it.Very clever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chloelouise Posted December 19, 2006 Author Share Posted December 19, 2006 Hi everyone, managed to get on a keyboard that works! Thanks for your comments, I haven't written anything for so long I thought a short one would get me in the mood. I think it probably works best re-read as pattricia says. I think I will work on another short one over xmas and build up in new year! Thanks again for reading, Chloe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 Hi Chloelouise, I liked this story very much, the first three paragraphs were fine, however the story would flow better if they were broken into smaller, more manageable sentences. The only thing I would have altered is this paragraph. I close my eyes. And then it stops ringing. But someone has answered it! I slowly open my eyes and see a familiar man. He looks happier than he has in years. I heard he had a bad time a few years ago but he looks great now. Maybe I will ask him how to feel better? How to make life decisions? (The bold text is an unanswered question, a loose end.) To something like this: I closed my eyes..... IT STOPPED RINGING! A mans concerned voice says “Yes, I understand” and the receiver is carefully replaced. Had I blown it? Should I have answered the phone instead? When I open my eyes I realise the man I am looking at grew up with me, our relationship stretched right back to my childhood years when he kept me company on my lonely Saturday mornings, he is a trusted familiar friend. But ironically, we’d only met for the first time just three short weeks ago. “Ask me the question please” I begged of him. “Julie….” And I’ll stop there, for obvious reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 Hi Chloelouise, I liked this story very much, the first three paragraphs were fine, however the story would flow better if they were broken into smaller, more manageable sentences. The only thing I would have altered is this paragraph. (The bold text is an unanswered question, a loose end.) To something like this: I closed my eyes..... IT STOPPED RINGING! A mans concerned voice says “Yes, I understand” and the receiver is carefully replaced. Had I blown it? Should I have answered the phone instead? When I open my eyes I realise the man I am looking at grew up with me, our relationship stretched right back to my childhood years when he kept me company on my lonely Saturday mornings, he is a trusted familiar friend. But ironically, we’d only met for the first time just three short weeks ago. “Ask me the question please” I begged of him. “Julie….” And I’ll stop there, for obvious reasons. Oh, innit nice when there clever like Mantaspook. !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brisbane Posted December 24, 2006 Share Posted December 24, 2006 Good story and like the everyone else didn't expect the twist. Nicely done! Yes Pattrica, Mantaspook definately knows his stuff doesn't he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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