Story: 'Alien Abduction.'

[jenniflower]

Hope this works, not exactly a childhood memory, but a long time ago.

I enjoyed reading all of yours.

 

Alien Abduction.

 

Let me know what you think, it's my first attempt so go easy!

[pattricia]

A completely different style of writing to other members, but a refreshing change. Sometimes jumps too quickly from one event to another, but I think this member can only get better with each story.

[shoeshine]

You have made a good start with this debut, jenniflower.

 

The concept of "alien" abduction, but using earthly "aliens", rather than unearthly ones is a good twist to one's initial expectations.

 

You may consider introducing each character to us a little more, and whilst you name Erin as one of the three aliens, perhaps the other two companions involved in the "abduction" could be fleshed out somewhat.

 

I enjoyed reading your contribution.

[jenniflower]

Initially I was thinking of making it all sounds like an actual abduction and only revealing I was on earth at the end, but thought it might really lose people. I probably lost people anyway! Do you think that might have worked better?

[darren_sco]

Hi Jenniflower.

 

I really enjoyed this short piece, despite it not being my "type". There was an easy "strangeness" to the prose that suited the alien abduction metaphor.

 

I loved the line about breaking the reflection with splashing - that was nice writing.

 

Really, though, I'd like to see a longer piece of work from you, to see if your use of structure etc is as good as your use of words.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Jenniflower,

 

Nice story, but a little bit strange & confusing at first, a bit like an Iain M.Banks novel, but the strangeness adds to the atmostphere.

 

I can see how the alternative ending you mentioned may have worked although it may have come across as a disappointing after the ‘excitement’ of the ‘alien abduction.’

 

Another way of approaching the story is to maybe integrate some of the following ideas:

 

Get the readers attention on line one with: “This wasn’t your standard alien abduction, firstly I was the alien and secondly it happened when I had wandered from my vehicle and was just beginning to enjoy this big bright world with the blue skies”

 

Suggest a military angle with: “Back home we don’t have guns, all the other occupants of the green jeep I was huddled in had guns, some of them showed me their weapons as we rode along, my inexperience made me curious and scared.”

 

And the twist at the end could be: “I was an alien in this beautiful country, carried along by these three irrepressible Americans that wouldn’t take no for an answer, I looked at the stars that shimmered in the heat and thought of my home town of Sheffield with its low, leaden skies - I wonder if it is raining there now…”

 

Anyway, that’s just one approach, you’d end up with a slightly different story but it stands up as the English girl is essentially an alien in a foreign country.

 

Welcome to the writers group Jenniflower, I hope you find all our comments constructive and I look forward to seeing some more of your work.

[redrobbo]

I found "....through mountains looming in and out of the ghostly smoke" particularly evocative.

[jenniflower]

Thanks everyone for your support and ideas. Can't wait for April's theme now, to get working on a longer piece.