Story: 'The letter.'

[sauerkraut]

After a few technical difficulties (thanks Joe, for the support!) I'm trying again to submit my April contribution. I'll have a lot of reading to do afterwards, because I haven't looked at anyone else's letters yet as I didn't want to be influenced and pinch someone else's ideas

 

Here goes:

 

Link deleted by author

[pattricia]

I like your style of writing. The story holds the readers attention from the start. Is this something you have been through yourself.? I was surprised that you live in Germany.How did you hear of SF.?

[sauerkraut]

Thank you Pattricia! I knew I could rely on you to say something nice! Yes, this is based on experience - many years ago now, but I can still vividly remember standing all bewildered with that piece of paper in my hands. if the examiners had seen how dense I was they might have changed their minds!

 

And I'm sure you've asked before how I landed on this forum - perhaps you never saw the reply? Can't remember where or when it was, now. Anyway I was a student in Sheffield in the 80's, and a few years ago our family was pondering moving back. Nothing came of it but I've been stuck on the forum ever since.

[pattricia]

Thank you Pattricia! I knew I could rely on you to say something nice! Yes, this is based on experience - many years ago now, but I can still vividly remember standing all bewildered with that piece of paper in my hands. if the examiners had seen how dense I was they might have changed their minds!

 

And I'm sure you've asked before how I landed on this forum - perhaps you never saw the reply? Can't remember where or when it was, now. Anyway I was a student in Sheffield in the 80's, and a few years ago our family was pondering moving back. Nothing came of it but I've been stuck on the forum ever since.

 

Oh, yes sorry, you did tell me, but I had forgotten. We are very glad to have you on here.

[sauerkraut]

Thank you! It's good to be here

[shoeshine]

That time of year is approaching again, sauerkraut.

 

I felt the same in 1958. I remember the days before, the day itself, and the pure joy of telling my mum too. That feeling revisited me in 1961 and 1963.

 

You've sent me down Memory Lane again now!

[sauerkraut]

That time of year is approaching again, sauerkraut.

 

So it is! Perhaps that was in my sub-conscious when I wrote the story. Because I didn't know what I was going to write about until I started. I just had the first sentence in my head and didn't know what was coming next until I put pen to paper!

[coyleys]

Good one SauerKraut, I like it.

As shoeshine says “That time of year is approaching again” never been there myself, although there was talk that someone at my school got one of them A level thingies but I suspect a rumour put about by the head.

Keep up the good work.

[Mantaspook]

This story fell a bit flat for me, the central “device” in this story was the confusion between the three A levels and the three A grades, the reader see this twice (1) When she opens the letter in the bathroom and (2) when she tells her mother.

 

It may have been better to just put this in the story once, very close to the end as the main punch line.

 

The initial part of the story could have concentrated more on her anxiety, how she think she ‘blew it’ in the exam, how she desperately needs to get three Bs to get to university, the alternative being more months stuck in the house with her taunting brother.

 

The central part of the story would have been the opening of the letter, the shock, the tears etc but it would be better to keep the reader in the dark about what grades she achieved.

 

In you story the final section just trails away with the brother skulking off to his room with no real explanation why. The last section may have been better if it had concentrated upon the revealing of the grades and maybe there is a fundamental shift between the girl and her brother.

 

Something like:

 

“Jeez, the way you went off I thought you’d failed!” He smiled at her with new respect, then, with a cheeky grin said “Hey! Now that you’re a high flyer can you lend me two hundred quid?”

 

Indeed, do you need all three characters at all? Both the mother and the brother are bit players, would it be worthwhile to lose one of them and concentrate on the relationship that’s left?

 

Another ending:

 

“As she ran down the path to tell her mother the news he caught sight of his reflection in the kitchen widow, he looked defeated and close to tears. “It could have been me.” he whispered bitterly.”

 

Notice how powerful that last word is and how it has the ability to transform the story and make the reader see the ‘happy’ story in a new light.

 

Of course this is a deviations from your original text but I think these are good examples of how to improve the story to give it more impact.

 

Hope you find this constructive.

[sauerkraut]

Wow, you've gone to a lot of trouble with this critique -thank you! I'm not sure I agree with all the comments but it's certainly given me food for thought.