Story: 'Trapped at the dam.'

[Falls]

Back on April 3rd, I posted a story entitled: 'Journey to Pelican, Alaska'.

 

This tale is about one of the incidents that occured while I was at Pelican.

 

Trapped at the dam.

[Mantaspook]

Nice story Falls, told in your usual dry laconic style, I think the story could be improved slightly in two ways:

 

(1) The story comes across very casually, (“met a bear, pointed a gun, it went away”) what it needs is a bit more emphasis on the emotions you were feeling when confronted by the bear – personally I’d be a little bit terrified! –mind you, we don’t get many bears in Sheffield, apart from the one in the Weston Park museum. Maybe you’re made of sterner stuff!

 

(2) The size of the bear isn’t really stated (apart from “ It was big, dark brown and it was A BEAR!”) – now I know these critters can be enormous when they rear up, so I would have put something like “It was a fully grown male, I estimated that if it reared up it would be at least 9 or 10ft tall”

 

I loved the ironic touch of humour about it been OK to shoot humans but everything else requires a permit.

[Falls]

Nice story Falls, told in your usual dry laconic style, I think the story could be improved slightly in two ways:

 

(1) The story comes across very casually, (“met a bear, pointed a gun, it went away”) what it needs is a bit more emphasis on the emotions you were feeling when confronted by the bear – personally I’d be a little bit terrified! –mind you, we don’t get many bears in Sheffield, apart from the one in the Weston Park museum. Maybe you’re made of sterner stuff!

 

(2) The size of the bear isn’t really stated (apart from “ It was big, dark brown and it was A BEAR!”) – now I know these critters can be enormous when they rear up, so I would have put something like “It was a fully grown male, I estimated that if it reared up it would be at least 9 or 10ft tall”

 

I loved the ironic touch of humour about it been OK to shoot humans but everything else requires a permit.

 

Hi,

 

Points taken. Yes I was scared particularly once I picked up the rifle. My palms were sweating so much I was loosing my grip.. Perspiration was also running down my face during the final stand-off.

 

Regarding the bear. It was a young male grizzly. While the bear was standing there on the walkway, it defecated. The wildlife boys examined the droppings and estimated the weight to be 250-300lbs. Certainly wasn't fully grown, which of course can be 8ft high, as you point out.

 

I understand that a full size male did once get onto the rickety walkway above the flume but the whole thing collapsed, due to the weight and the bear went into the water. Dont know how they got it out.

 

Regards

[Falls]

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is 'Kosher' but I have reworked the original piece, at the suggestion of my good friend, Mantaspook. I have also included some of the details that I had previously removed from the first version before I submitted it. In addition, there is now a footnote which you may find entertaining.

 

Regards

 

Trapped at the dam. - Version 2

[scribe]

Nice story falls ,glad you didn't have to shoot the bear .I have a brother who lives in Canada he told me once , you don't mess with them they can be really mean .

[coyleys]

Nice one Falls.

So what happened to the hermaphroditic penguin? did it marry the three-toed sloth? (Coyleys been on the Famous Grouse again)

Seriously Falls, I’m envious, not only of your exploits but also of how your writing is coming on, (Bah! More competition)

Good Man

[redrobbo]

An encounter with a bear! Wow! Pretty scarey - but unfortunately your story comes over as quite matter of fact. It's a missed opportunity to have to told this tale in a more gripping fashion. You could have had this reader sitting on the edge of my seat biting my nails to the quick in fear and anxiety atwhat happened next!

 

I see that you appear to have posted another verson of this story. I'm going to have a read of that next.

[redrobbo]

VERSION 2 is a much better version. You now convey a sense of fear, and my palms were sweating as well. I particularly liked the ending.... . "He picked up the rifle and said, “I know it’s early but I think we should go up to Rosie’s for a drink”. " That was a masterstroke!

 

The lead-up paragraphs are still too matter of fact though. Your story would have benefitted in this earlier part by building up some tension. For example, when explaining the H&S rules about a carrying a rifle, you might have added something like "I was shortly to learn an important lesson about always keeping a rifle with you".

 

Overall, a much improved version of a frightening encounter. I could swear that I could smell a bear in my room as I read it!

[pattricia]

Very exciting adventure story, with a sense of urgency about it. With it being true makes it all the more convincing. Terrific.

[Falls]

Hello,

 

Thanks to Redrobbo, Coyleys, Mantaspook and other group members for your comments.

 

I might say that these are the sort of comments/observations I joined the forum to hear. Before that, I was writing in isolation -you might even call it a vacuum.

 

Regarding the matter-of-fact introduction to the story, I have become more aware of this of late and will try to add a little more spice in the next tale. That is, if spice is appropriate.

 

As I mentioned in my introduction when I joined the group, I spent the last thirty years of my working life writing technical specifications. Not all the time but I did write quite a few. As you will appreciate, there is not too much scope in a specification for drama, etc. when you are describing, say, a sewage treatment plant.

 

Once again, many thanks.