Loneliness

[cosywolf]

My mother always said that if you NEED someone in your life (a partner) then you're not ready for one. A partner should be a happy addition, not the be all and end all. How can you have a whole relationship when you're both incomplete? 1 and 1 make 2, not 1.

Just her little piece of advice.

And of course, being a good daughter, I agree:lol:

 

Please, someone shut me up....I'm really not as self-righteous as I sound... I've so got nothing to be self-righteous about!

 

Good for you, Hiya, for washing your hands of him. There's no point in mourning too long for someone who was clearly not who he was supposed to be8).

[DaBouncer]

Some good advice there CosyWolf... you ever thought of becomming a counsellor?

 

I have and it's something I would love to do, but the course work and time to qualify daunt me somewhat!

[cosywolf]

Counselling:

and then some poor person would be stuck in a room with my philosophising instead of on a forum where they can escape:lol:

 

Still, I do think of it sometimes. I've a friend at the moment whose terribly lonely - her mother's dying, and people are doing their best to be supportive, but mostly they don't say anything about it to her. She said to me the other day that everyone knows, and no-one says anything. Somehow that just doesn't seem right. What a horribly lonely place to be. So I always ask her or her partner (I work with them both) how things are and whats the latest news, and listen for as long as they need to talk about it.

 

Is there anyone here whose been in a similar position? Is that the right thing to do? So far it seems to have been a relief for them to talk about it, but you don't like to think you're causing people to get upset unnecessarily. That's where a counselling course would be useful, I reckon, to answer life's sticky questions.

 

 

Your chance to tell me 'how it is'

 

oh my grammar...

[halevan]

I often thank God for my life, as when I listen to others stories it makes me so humble, to realise how fortunate I am and have been, to have got through intact to this age without any permanent damage to my body or my brain.

 

When I was growing up at home, my Mother always told me, and I quote ( no one can help you but yourself ) these trick cyclists ( psychiatrists ) will take your money, but they cannot help you.

 

What a woman, what common sense, someone once said to me, my Mother has died and left me a lot of money, I said, my Mother has died and left me something that is priceless, oh. what is that?

So I said, lots and lots of common sense. :lol:

[robh]

Originally posted by cosywolf

Is there anyone here whose been in a similar position? Is that the right thing to do? So far it seems to have been a relief for them to talk about it, but you don't like to think you're causing people to get upset unnecessarily. That's where a counselling course would be useful, I reckon, to answer life's sticky questions.

If you've not "been there" it's hard to know what to do/say and as a result many (most?) people avoid the person and the issue. Modern society is less familiar with death than people were 50 years ago with the war and before that before modern medicines leading to a much lower life expectancy and high infant mortality. The fact is death is part of life, it will happen to us all, we need to get used to the idea and learn to cope with it. As you get older you inevitably will.

 

Death is not to be feared, it often really is the best thing for someone with a terminal illness or losing their mental faculties through age and sometimes it really is welcome. Premature death is hardest to handle - neonatal is emotive of course but we know that getting born is a high risk activity. Death of a person who has a fully developed character and sense of individuality and personality is worst.

 

So what should you do? That's the problem, there probably is no "right" answer, you have to be sensitive to whoever you are talking to, listen very carefully to what they say and how they react. But here's mine, pick and choose according to the personality of the person you are talking to and the circumstances:

 

I know the question was about someone terminally ill and I have been writing of death - well that is because terminally ill will lead to death and it can help to acknowledge that. The relatives need to be mentally prepared for the inevitable.

 

Don't avoid those relatives because of any sense of embarrassment.

 

This is the relatives' last chance to tell the ill person things they never managed to say before, the emotional close personal stuff - even if they are in a coma.

 

Don't be morose all the time - life goes on. If you can do it without sounding "I'm all right, Jack" talk about the good things, share some of your good news & happiness - My football team won 3-0! (improbable if you live in Sheffield!). Help them find some respite from the subject uppermost in their mind.

 

Try to be subtle, don't tell people what to do but you can help them make the right decisions for themselves - maybe by example, talking about a similar issue faced by a friend or relative, maybe by asking the right questions. For example they will need to construct a list of people who will need to be advised of the funeral, phone numbers, addresses. A direct approach may seem callous but asking whether all the person's friends and family know she is very poorly will get them doing that task. Otherwise there is a risk of people putting their foot in it, phoning or visiting unaware of the circumstances.

 

Listening is most important. And you might spot opportunities to provide real help.

 

List all the cliche's appropriate to the circumstances and try your hardest to avoid them. "...If there's anything I can do to help" is useless - recognising an opportunity to do something helpful and offering to do it is much harder, and much more helpful. Even something seemingly trivial - "Shall I take the kids off you for the day" is great.

 

After death people will whip out the cliches and say things like "at least it was quick/painless" or if it wasn't quick/painless "at least s/hes not suffering any more" - opposites and equally hopeless cop-outs for real conversation. As far as I'm concerned I haven't "suffered the loss of..." or "been bereaved", people I loved died. Using other words is cowardice - like Politically Correct speech, it is an unwillingness to confront reality, some kind of misguided belief that changing the words changes reality. It doesn't. I hold on to the memories of better times and am grateful for them. I am glad when someone else mentions them and reminds me of their idiosyncracies, of something good or funny they did or said.

 

You can be a help by gathering the knowledge of what needs to be done after death and having all the information at your fingertips - the best funeral directors, the likely costs, who pays what, the circumstances around post-mortems, inquests, where the will is, who the executors are, how it gets handled, whether a solicitor is necessary (and some recommendations for a good one), what is "a grant of probate". What kind of funeral - religious - which sort, what church, who's the minister, what hymns, the minister will want a potted biography (you can ask the questions to get the stories out now) does anyone want to take an active part or just the basics at the crematorium. etc. (Obviously "Where's the will, who are the executors" isn't a good question to be asking directly!).

[cosywolf]

Very insightful, thank you.

 

Pretty much backed up my feeling that avoiding the subject like it isn't happening isn't the thing to do.

 

Apart from anything else, I know how lonely it is to suffer something and people either don't know or don't bring it up so that it hangs there between you like some invisible wall. What actually happens I think is that you end up feeling horribly isolated and actually rather resentful that you feel you shouldn't mention it (when it's your problem) and crap and useless when it's someone elses and you'd like to help really.

 

So I'll keep bimbling along with this sad little story the way I have been doing, and at least not be afraid to mention it, if that's the best I can do to help.

[si@guisborough]

I`m lonely right now, but I have got to like my own company over the years. When I was a student in Sheffield, around 1990, I was so lonely that I went home to the North East every weekend to be with my friends. I carried on living in Sheffield, got married, and lost touch with my friends back home. Then, in 1995 when I we moved back to Guisborough, I found myself homesick for Sheffield! I still read other parts of this forum, and hear of places in Sheffield I liked, and I miss the place!

I can cope with loneliness, but I am worried about my son, who is nearly 2 and has Down Syndrome. I don`t think his condition will allow him to suffer from depression like most people, but his inability to express himself in the future means we may never really know if he`s lonely.

[adaline]

Yeah i think i might be well "conditioned" too , may aswell start space travel....

"Happiness seems to Loneliness

And loneliness killed my world...."

[kblade]

Its rather late right now yet I have a lot to add to this thread at a later date...

 

I have the luck of a partner and daughter, a job with colleagues and friends here and there. Not so much your 'out every night' or even in touch with so many but supposedly lucky loneliness wise. Yet its unbelievably lonley sometimes, I have death of family so close it hurts and the closest I have to 'immediate' family doesn't care less (luckily I have family a plenty outside my sibling) its hard, the lonliness bites and can be hard to explain. depression yet I can be so happy go lucky.

 

anyhow, what I have now I am thankful for, I yearn more yet feel selfish...

[Guest rosie]

You make your own happiness, no one can make you happy but yourself.

 

I have a family, but not immediate apart from my mum. My brothers don`t want to talk to me cause they have a problem with something I did 18 years ago. So blood is definately not thicker than water for me.

 

I like my own company, I like friends company as well but sometimes you can be surrounded by lots of people yet no one can solve the feeling you are all by yourself.

I can`t forgive myself for everything I have done, I have friends that help me try but, you feel even more lonely when you make mistakes and can`t put them right.Thats made worse when you make yourself isolated and lonely because you don`t know who can solve the problem.

 

I am happier in some ways than I have ever been, but more alone than I have ever known.