School nightmare

[halevan]

There is only one soution to your problem, and that is to fetch the police to your son when he gets violent and have him prosecuted.

 

He is at an age when he knows what he is doing is wrong and should be made to face his responsibilities.

 

As regards him refusing to go to school, report him first to the headmaster and also to the attendance officers and tell them he will not listen to reason and he is out of your control.

[John]

I saw an article in the Today Star about a young lady who didn't go to school but things turned out differently a year later when she went to collage to study nursing.

 

I didn't fully read it but it may be of some interest.

[Cycleracer]

Thankyou for your replies i have read them with great interest and all of you have hit the right note on the problem i am having.

This reply will be lengthy so you will be forgiven to skip some out.

Today I returned home after my night shift and the Education officer turned up around 9.30 and i was out but returned when she was here.

My wife was again crying and the officer was upstairs trying to persuid my boy to get out of bed, something i tried to do at 7.30 but could'nt.

She got the abuse that we get for the first time and saw what he can be really like, and due to frustration issued me with a warning that i will recieve papers to be tried in Court and had the gaul to tell me that i may go to prison.

I composed myself and explained that i need help and this is not helping matters taking me to Court and the real issue is my sons attitude and anger.

I then tried to bring him out of bed through desperation and landed two massive blows to my stomach with his right foot.

yes i then retaliated and thumped him and hard.

That is the second time i have retaliated after countless attacks.

I'd lost it yet again and then my wife phoned the police.

That visitor got a glimpse into the real problem i have with him.

to cut other detail short she is arranging a police officer to escort him to school from tomorrow.

Now Someone mentioned to find the real problem into his behaviour and i have known some of it for a couple of weeks.

I have a genetic disorder called Hereditary multiple exostosis, Diaphysia Aclasia.

All my kids have the same and hopefully my younger two have missed out as its to early to tell.

Rather than me go into the disorder , its a bone disorder and its available to read at http://www.ox1.co.uk and look for the above named.

My eldest two have had numerous operations throughout the years and so has my middle son.

3 weeks ago he went in to have the biggest of them all to lenghten his leg and its going to take 2 years of surgery and now he has a fixator on which has to be ajusted 4 times a day.

He/we have been to see a Phyco today and he blames me for his condition and this has been expressed in his anger by name calling and he keeps saying its my fault he is like this.

I suppose it is but i did not go round blaming my mum when i went through the same.

The Doctor has said that he was getting bullied at school due to the state of his ankle and that might be a major factor.

I have also explained that i got bullied at school a great deal and the condition shows more on me than it does on him i also would'nt do P.E due to constant ridicule and sometimes violance towards me as i was always smaller than everyone else even the girls and i am ashamed to say they were no better.

If i could go back to then things would be oh so different.

I did not have the information on this condition then all i knew is i walked different from anyone else and had to put up with kids constantly attacking me for laughs and i did not know the reason.

I have explained everything about this condition to all my family and how to handle it and make good of themselves, something i have managed to do and do sport don't be affraid to wear shorts or learn to swim, all things i could not face until i was an adult.

I had the decency to explain my disorder to my girlfriend who went on to become my wife and we are still together 24 years later and happy but i guess my son as taken it hard and he certainly lets me know.

The good news to come out today is the orphapedic surgeon at the Childrens hospital has intervened and is going to contact the Education people and tell them he is not in the right frame of mind to return to school, so hopefully that should re route the Court appearance.

That does not solve the problem though because he is determined never to return to school and his exams are due in May, his mock exams now and he will leave with nothing.

The school has offered him mornings only and to organise transport to and fro so they have been helpfull but i do fear for his future and maybe the hate he has for me will not be the same for him when he has children and you never know maybe one day this dreadfull disease will one day be eradicated and end the misery that this can cause familys and end the ridicule and cruel comments we have all put up with by people who just don't understand the real problem.

[mslotus]

I have every sympathy for you. Sometimes it feels like you are banging your head against a brick wall and you just cannot do anything right, but most of the time you feel you are not in control of your life. As the mother of an extremely volatile and strong 12 year old girl I am in a similar situation. She has been this way since around 16 months old having been the most pleasant baby you could wish for. She has been permanently excluded from 2 schools mainly because of the violence and aggression. Three weeks ago she assaulted me for the 4th time. She was arrested spent 14 hours (overnight) in a police cell and charged with assault and affray. She was bailed from court and had 3 weeks to think about it. I cannot believe the difference in her. She is putting a lot of effort into trying to change. Now there is co-operation and control. It seems like we may have finally broke the cycle and be able to move on and have a better relationship. At the same time we are getting a lot of input from several agencies including Family Support who have been extremely helpful (I can give you their number if you pm me as they may be able to help you). There is every chance that you will resolve your differences even if it means doing some things that you think you ought not to do, and that your son will come to terms with his problems. Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon.

[Moon Maiden]

Always here mate if you need a shoulder to scream at. I may only be able to wave a wand and look wierd but sometimes it helps

 

Glad to see you are finally getting through to someone.

 

Moon Maiden

[robh]

Originally posted by The Cycleracer

Yes i then retaliated and thumped him and hard.

That is the second time i have retaliated after countless attacks.

I was going to say "while everyone understands your frustration" and realised that generalisation to be simplistic. To really understand how someone feels you have to have been in a similar situation.

So ... while I acknowledge that you were under extreme provocation, responding to violence with violence never resolves issues, usually makes the problem worse and puts you in the wrong. You have shown a lot of strength of character overcoming the problem of the illness yourself and making a success of your life, you need to show a bit more and contain your urge to retaliate.

Now Someone mentioned to find the real problem into his behaviour and i have known some of it for a couple of weeks ... a genetic disorder ...

OK that puts the whole thing in a different light. Far more important to focus on the approaches that look to re-establishing his self confidence and keep the harsher options in reserve. You should be getting support from "the authorities" and it sounds as if you are starting to get some. Keep pushing and with the right help there's a good chance of a good outcome. It would be so much harder if he was basically just "a bad 'un".

And genetics can work in your favour. I'm always one step ahead of my lad because we are so similar, he tries the same tricks as I tried at the same age - but I'm expecting them, he thinks I'm psychic! You developed coping strategies, you need to help him discover the same strategies - probably best not to tell him because at 15 he's a rebellious youth and at that age parents know nothing.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. (Mark Twain?)

he blames me for his condition and this has been expressed in his anger by name calling and he keeps saying its my fault he is like this.

We are all born with a different genetic mix, if we aborted all but the perfect specimens the population of UK would be in single figures - and how would I ever get to find where the others were? (joke). Life is about focusing on our positive aspects and making the best of them while accepting our limitations and developing strategies to cope with them.

[DaBouncer]

Originally posted by mslotus

At the same time we are getting a lot of input from several agencies including Family Support who have been extremely helpful (I can give you their number if you pm me as they may be able to help you.

Hello MsLotus, I am sorry to hear you have been through similar things to Cycleracer and am happy that you are finding help and maybe breaking the cycle of things.

I was just thinking (re: the above quote) that if people read this site, without posting because they are too worried about reaction or are not up to it yet... that publically posting the telephone numbers of any help agencies you know would be a great benefit to everyone.

 

I'm sure the agencies wouldn't mind having their number broadcasted like this, as it's all word of mouth.

 

Just my 2penneth!

[sammie]

hi i dont really know what to say to you but.. as you know i was bullied at school..i have mild dispraxia (i think thats how you spell it!) and it basically means that i am clumsyand when it comes to written work, i know what i need to write down on paper, but i dont know how to write it so it makes sense and sounds o.k. (thats the simplest way i can think of describing it)When i started school, i diddnt this would be a problem for me but when i tried to explain to people why i struggled with the written side of things, they misunderstood and assumed i was thick! this progressed to all sorts of bullying (non-violent) and threats and all sorts. (the teachers were great about my dispraxia and helped me out a lot) it got to the point where i was scared to go to school but i felt i couldnt talk to my parents so i told them i was sick, to get a few days off school.

 

(i never told anyone this before by the way!)

 

im not saying this is happening with your son, but the fact he may be seen as "different" at school (like me) may, as youve said have a effect on him.DONT BEAT YOPURSELF UP ABOUT IT.

therer are proberbly lots of things going through his mind right now and these can all be very confusing.

 

itsd iobvious for us all to see that you are doing the best you can and you cant do anymore than that.

 

if your son-or you or your wife or anyone for that matter wants to talk to me, id be willing to listen and do what i canm to help!

 

smile and the whole world will smile with you!!!

 

sammie

[sammie]

just a thought.... Has your son got a girlfriend? or a really close mate? you could try talking to them and seeing what they think and see if theuy can get him to see things from a different perspective?

[waxy chuff]

You have to watch your own temper. Under NO circumstances is it permissible for you to hit your own son. Trust me, if you start off by throwing a few punces it won't be long before something far more serious occurs.