Story: 'An Urban Voice.'

[coyleys]

as Disraeli said of Gladstone -- intoxicated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

 

Ha-ha, a battle of words, is it?

 

Disraeli = Coyleys

Gladstone = Shoeshine

[Mantaspook]

Ahem, sorry to interupt the banter chaps. back on topic -

 

What a terrific story, I figured out quite early on who the narrator was going to be, the first line contains a ‘little cloud’ that gives the game away.

 

”Thank you for coming. No, I won’t shake hands, thanks. This is it. I used to live here.”

 

You could have redirected the readers in a subtle way by introducing the character that the narrator was talking to, for instance

 

So you’re the local historian? Thank you for coming, I don’t get many visitors these days, let me show you around the old place, We’ll start over here, this is where I was born - I used to live here.

 

It’s not clear whether the narrator is a woman or a man, to be honest it doesn’t really matter to the story, I think its implied that it’s a woman because the narrator seems to know the family histories and the local gossip, It may have been a good idea to introduce the narrator more overtly as an elderly woman, perhaps one that is a little forgetful and set in her ways and that’s why she keeps repeating the mantra ‘I used to live here’

 

I agree with Pattricia that this line builds a rhythm into the story, this is important as the final line of the story is a ‘blue note’ that disrupts the rhythm and leaves the poignant message that the narrator is trying to tell. An excellent ending, I don’t think that could be improved upon.

 

I’m not too keen on these lines:

 

"Not like Emily Roberts

 

That was where Emily Roberts used to live. She was always being called on to lay people out.

 

I expect she would have done… No, maybe not. She needed a body to work with."

 

Suggested alternative:

 

“Unlike Emily Roberts.

 

That was where Emily Roberts used to live, during the war she was often called upon to lay people out, someone called her out for me once but I’d disappeared”

 

A bit more subtle? Perhaps. But both versions give the big finale away, you have to consider whether the story has more impact by deleting those lines.

 

I really liked this story, particularly the ending which was first class.

[sauerkraut]

I agree. An excellent story. The not shaking hands at the beginning does give it away a bit (though perhaps only if you already know what kind of story you're reading), but you're still left wondering how it's going to come to a conclusion and when you get to that conclusion it's just...brilliant!

[Hopman]

Did everyone assume the bombs were WW2?

[Malanimal]

Did everyone assume the bombs were WW2?

 

I think I associated the Hun with WW2 but realise now I was mistaken! Was a really good story, got a good sense of listening to someone talk about their neighbourhood. The twist was well delivered.

 

I didn't get what "lay people out" meant until after reading, maybe a clarification would've helped like "lay people out, did a better job than the funeral parlour. It was cheaper as well of course."